Kitchen Table Jokes - 47 Hilarious Kitchen Table Jokes

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open..

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their50th wedding anniversary.”You know,” she said, “We were probably sitting in the kitchen across fromeach other 50 years ago.”

“Yeah,” he said, “But we were probably naked.”

"So let’s get naked now,” she suggested.So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know,” she said smiling lovingly, “My nipples feel just as hot lookingat you today as they did 50 years ago.”
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A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table

The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?"
The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."
The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"
The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with th...

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

A father and son are sitting at the kitchen table together

Son: "Dad, I'm cold."

Dad:"Go stand in the corner. I hear it's ninety degrees."

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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A Four-year-old boy and his dad sit at the kitchen table.

It's Sunday morning and mom just made breakfast. On the table is french toast covered in butter and doused with their favorite maple syrup. There are four slices of bacon on each plate and an overwhelming amount of scrambled eggs. A tall glass of orange juice demands their attention. The boy and his...

I was listening to my son do his math homework at the kitchen table

And then all of sudden he said 3+6 the son of a b !tch is 9, and then he said 2+5 the son of a b!tch is 7, so I said, what are you saying, son?! He said, but my teacher she showed us how to do Math and that's what she said...so just to make sure I was like, OK go on. He said 2+2 the son of a b!tch i...

A wife finds a bathtub on her kitchen table.

A wife comes home and finds her husband sitting next to a new bathtub on the kitchen table. Shocked, she asks him where it came from.

“Well,” he says. “I went out today to pick up some tiles for our bathroom. So, I walked around the store, looking for the perfect color, when I saw the perfec...

Guy comes home from work, finds his blonde haired wife sitting at the kitchen table.

Shes looking at the table, and concentrating super hard. She is visibly frustrated.

Husband asks "What's wrong honey?"

She replies, "I've been working on this puzzle all day. Its supposed to be a tiger, I can't get any of these puzzle pieces to match."

Husband sighs, "Honey... P...

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

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I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it’s at about this time...

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter,...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all ...

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I stumbled out of bed from a one night stand to find my dad at the kitchen table.

"I'm proud of you son" he winked, "now tell me, did you use protection?"

"You know what they say, dad" I grinned, "up the bum no babies."

"Ha ha, that's my boy" he laughed, "what's her name?"

"Patrick" I replied.

The local police chief always said "It could be worse."

Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."

One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they f...

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely ...

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A woman went into a pet shop

to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.

"Well,"said the clerk, 'I have a huge bullfrog i...

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table...

My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table, when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, “She’s going through change.”

My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

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A man says to his doctor "Doctor, I have an embarrassing sexual problem"

The doctor says "Tell me about your sex life,"

The man says "Well, first thing in the morning, the wife and I have a quick 'morning glory'. Then I go to work and about eleven o'clock my secretary gives me a BJ at my desk. I nip home at lunchtime and do the wife over the kitchen table, then af...

My cousin Donald Godwin went to get his Social Security started. But he forgot his papers on the kitchen table.

The lady at the Social Security office told him he needed proof of birth before they could get things started. He pulled down his shirt and said, “Don’t these grey hairs on my chest prove I’m 65?”

She said, “All right sir, I believe you. But we have to have definitive proof. You’ll need to br...

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there...

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Mortician.

A mortician was going about his typical day of embalming and what not, when he came across a client that had the biggest male member he had ever seen. Even by porn standards his hog was huge. So the mortician decides he needs to preserve this monstrosity of man meat because this definitely has to be...

Seen this one in the paper... gave me a giggle

An elderly Irish man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of ...

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A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover

He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note.

The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". <...

Three kids ask their mom about their unusual names.

The first kid asks, “Why am I named Kitchen Table?” His mom says, “Well sweetie, when you were born the car was out of gas and we couldn’t get to the hospital, so you were born on the kitchen table.”

The second kid asks, “Why am I named Backseat?” Her mom says, “Well honey, when *you* were bo...

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

Little boy asks Mommy.

Little boy comes down for breakfast before school and sits down at the kitchen table.

Mom is at the stove making breakfast. Little boy asks, “Mommy? Were you sick last night?”

Mom answers, turning her head looking at her little son, “No, why do you ask that?”

Little boy says, “B...

4 construction workers are parched from working under the hot sun all day.

They have run out of bottled water and decide to knock on the door of the 1 house on the block that is finished and occupied. An old lady answers , they tell their story and she invited them in.

They sit at her kitchen table to ensure the sofa stays clean. She goes to the kitchen to gath...

My wife went to work and left her phone at home.

I found it on the kitchen table.

I tried to call and tell her, but she didn’t answer.

What’s worse is someone kept calling.

Wait ‘til I find out who Honey is.

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Not so fast

One Friday morning, Bill was quietly sipping his coffee and reading the newspaper at the kitchen table when his wife came up from the basement and without warning, smacked him on the side of his head…

"What the Hell was that for?" Bill asked, covering his head with both hands, anticipating a ...

50th Wedding Anniversary

It's the morning of a couple's 50th wedding anniversary. They're sitting at the kitchen table having breakfast and reading the newspaper.

The wife looks at the husband and says "you know, if this was 50 years ago, we'd be sitting at this table naked".

The husband replies "you know what...

A Special Table

A man went to an old furniture shop to buy an antique kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted to buy and asked the price.

“£2,000 sir.”

“Never!” exclaimed the man, “That’s unbelievably expensive.”

“That’s true,” replied the assistant, but this is not just any a...

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Sometimes it DOES hurt to ask!

An 8 year old and a 6 year old sit down at the kitchen table to await breakfast, the older child has heard people swearing on t.v. and decides he wants to try it. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks him what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Can I have some god damn Cheerios?" SMACK! ...

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Two young brothers are having a conversation one morning.

The 6 year old says to the four year old, "When we go down to breakfast, I'll say a sentence with the word 'hell' and you say a sentence with the word 'ass'". The four year old nods his head in agreement and they excitedly go downstairs and sit at the kitchen table.
Mom kisses each boy on the for...

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True Golf Buddies

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f__king mess and the d...

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There are certain lines you don't cross.

One morning a few days ago, my wife and I were sitting at our kitchen table, enjoying a bit of verbal sparring while we ate. During one particular exchange I made the comment that if she kept up with her smart mouth, I was going to give her a "Rick James Special". She looked at me quizzically, pausi...

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Where did you last have sex?

A man calls into a radio station contest to win two tickets to Hawaii. He gets through and the DJs tell him the rules. The DJs are going to ask him a question and then call his wife and ask her the same question. If their answers match then the couple win the tickets. The man acknowledges the rules ...

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar with an iguana under his arm. The bartender says what can I get you. The man orders scotch and a beer. Upon noticing the man's drinks getting low the bartender approaches him and just gad to ask what's with the Iguana. The nan says this thing gives the best b.j's.
The bart...

A Chinese guy calls his wife from work and tells her that when he gets home he wants 69.

As he walks in the door, sitting on the kitchen table is beef and broccoli.

Wife wakes up in middle of night and husband is not in bed.

So she goes downstairs to find him sitting at the kitchen table crying.

She asked him what is wrong.

He says do you remember that moment ten years ago when your dad caught us in the back seat of his police car and told me that I was gonna marry you or he would make sure I did ten year...

You are like my pinky toe!

Cute, tiny and tonight I will bang you against the kitchen table.

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