The 54+ Best Kilometer Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Ukrainian Jew to another: "Would you share this imported bottle of Scotch with me?"

The other: "Of course I would. But we barely have money for food. Where did you get Scotch?"

First: "I traded some Russian caviar for it."

Second: "But how did you get Russian caviar?"

First: "I traded some calamari to them for it."

Second: "But we're hundreds of kilomete...

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually indentify as kilometers per second

Because I want to km/s

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

My friend just had a baby and named him Miles. I told him I'm going to call him kilometer for short.

True story.
Actually he said he was going to call him half mile. Idk who won.

If the nearest gas station is 15 kilometers away and the standard walking speed is 5.7 mph,

then why did it take my dad 30 years to buy some milk?

Statistically there are

Statistically there are 2 popes per square kilometer in the Vatican

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a student named Miles in my 5th grade class who moved to JAPAN. Had to change his name to Kilometers.

Slight adjustment to an originally hilarious joke that was shunned on a technicality. #IwasOnlyJoking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a man using a prostitute has to run 42 kilometers away from the police...

Is that a Johnathon?

Hey let me tell you an IT joke: how many meters is there in a kilometer?

1024

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island that is 10 kilometers from shore...

They all agree that there is no point waiting to die on the island, so they decide to swim for shore.

The brunette goes first, swims three kilometers and drowns.

The redhead goes next, swims five kilometers and drowns.

The blonde goes last. She swims NINE miles...

...ge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traditional piece of 20th century Jewish humour from Odesa, Ukraine

Early in the morning at the Pryvoz market, Benya meets Izya with a suitcase and three rubles in his hand. Benya asks, "Izya, where are you headed?"
Izya replies, "Ah, Benya, I'm going to the port. Finally decided to go to America, gonna buy some cable!"
"Well, good luck!" Benya responds, while...

The secret to a long life.

Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: “I’ll tell you you a secret.
I’ve been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I’ve been walking 5 kilometers everyday for...

Eminem's "8 Mile" wasn't very well received in Canada

I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wante...

Heisenberg and Schrodinger

Werner Heisenberg and Ernst Schrodinger are driving down the road late one night, and they are stopped by a cop.

Heisenberg rolls down the window and says, “evening officer”.

The cop asked, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg says, “No, but I knew exactly where I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper from a kilometer away.

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.

Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<...

I am so tired of jokes about Americans being stupid and not understanding the metric system.

At least we don’t panic when the temperature hits 40 kilometers!

Wife from hell.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I
clocked you at 80 kilometers per hour, sir. This is a 60KPH zone!"

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the...

Teacher asked some students, what's the fastest thing in universe;

First student said, that the light is fastest, because light can reach 290000+ kilometers per second.

Second student argued that thinking is faster than light, because our brain can send thoughts within milliseconds.

Last student simply stated, that diarrhea is faster than speed of tho...

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?

Kilometer Cyrus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

Do you know what Miles Davis is called in Europe?

1.60934 Kilometers Davis

joke courtesy of Stephen Wright

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

A British ship is sinking.

The radio operator is sending out a distress call saying "Mayday, mayday we are sinking. Please help."

A few kilometers away, a German ship hears the call, and the radio operator, who doesn't speak English very well and is new on the job, answers

"uh hello, we hear you. Um, what are y...

The Chinese Premier, along with the South Korean and Indonesia President Went to See God

In 1975, Zhou Enlai, Park Chung-hee, and Suharto came before God to ask a question.

Zhou Enlai went first: "God, when will my country become prosperous?"

God replied: "30 more years".

Zhou Enlai wept because he knew he will never see it in his lifetime. Indeed, he would pass awa...

A dad takes his children on a trip outside the US for the first time...

He looks at his kids and says "remember this moment. It is a huge kilometer-stone in your lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke was recently voted best in Finland.

It's a pretty new and modern one, but it's still funny:

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with teams of 8. Both teams trained hard and long. On the day of the competition, both teams thought themselves to be in top condition, but the Japanese wo...

A couple got into an argument...

A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.

As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:

"Relatives of yours?"
<...

What do you they call Spider-Man in Europe?

Kilometers Morales

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a string of murders recently in Madrid

Every week, on a Sunday, a body of a prostitute would be found disemboweled in an alley way. After a few weeks, the local investigators determined it was indeed a serial murder. Further investigation showed that each murder occurred exactly a kilometer away from a seedy inn, known for having an abra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oh, Little Johnny

Little Johnny's teacher began the school year by announcing a new contest. Every Friday, 30 minutes before the final bell, she would ask the class a question. The first student to answer it right could leave early, and the rest of the class would take a quiz.

The first Friday, the teacher a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gus the Accountant

Gus has been doing accountancy for like 35 years and he's sick of it.

So Gus decides he wants some adventure in his life, so he's going to become a prospector.

Everyday he studies geology, he learns how to drive a big truck and operate an excavator and he starts selling up everything h...

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

If you ever want to feel powerful

Remember that you are effecting the velocity of planets billions of kilometers away

And if you want to feel weak then calculate it

I have a Request for European Redditors, When my cousin Miles visits next year...

Please don't call him Kilometers.

It just doesn't translate.

A group of Nuns opened a Flower Shop.

The Nuns started selling small bouquets, and after some success moved on to larger arrangements. Their business grew enough that they were eventually the only place in a ten kilometer radius to sell flowers; and gathered a monopoly on the market.
One day, a couple of Friars opened another green...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

America could never switch to the metric system.

Kilometers Davis, how does that sound?

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan.

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan, eager for just a single drink of water. As he's roaming through the country's rugged terrain, he spots in the distance what appears to be a vendor running a small stand. Figuring that there is no one else in the vicinity, he decides to go to...

My friend Miles went to visit Europe...

When he got there, Miles had to change his name to Kilometers

An Englishman And An Irishman

*Chances are this has been posted before, but as an Irishman with English roots I've always found it hilarious. Enjoy! :D*

An Englishman and an Irishman in two separate cars were driving down a lonely country road on a cold, misty night at 100 kilometers per hour. Neither men were being parti...

Important safety warning:

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nazi plane is shot down somewhere over a North African desert; the pilot survives.

He wanders for nearly two days. Having quickly run out of water, he is crazed with thirst when he crawls over a sand dune and sees an elderly Jewish man standing in front of a table covered in neck ties.

"Water, water..." croaks the Nazi pilot.

"I don't have any water, unfortunately," ...

3 woman are stuck on a desert island, 50km for the mainland

The first one a Brunette decides to swim for it, she gets 5 kilometers before getting tiered and drowning. The second woman a redhead decides to swim as well, she gets 15 kilometers before getting tired and drowning. The last woman a blond also decides to swim, she decides to be smart and not go out...

A group of friends went deer hunting.

They decided to separate into pairs for the day to cover more ground. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. The rest of the group helped him as he dropped the buck, before looking around.

“Where’s Harry?” asked one of the other hunters.

“He fainted a coup...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Americans spy in Soviet Union

1960's. CIA decided to send the most advanced spy into Soviet Union. They trained him for 15 years in how Soviets Lived, 10 years in Russian, so he was completely fluent, another 5 years in Russian customs traditions. According to everyone in CIA, this guy was UNDETECTABLE. After US president wishes...

Walmart Interview

A manager at walmart was interviewing 4 candidates in a group interview. He asked the 4 candidates "What the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man said "A THOUGHT. It
just pops into your head!"

The second man said "Hmm... let me THINK." after a couple of minutes to prove...

Man with his blonde wife on a road trip and then a police officer stops them...

"License and registration please!" Says the police officer.

"But why did you stop us," says the husband.

"You've been running over 100 kilometers which is the limit," replies the officer.

"Did you make a mistake?" Says the husband, "I am sure i wasn't going over the limit".
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Red Shitt

The captain of a Spanish ship is walking around the deck inspecting the rigging and checking for damage when he hears from the crow's nest "Pirate ship to port, 2 kilometers." Upon receiving the news the captain tells his new first mate "Fetch me my red shirt at once."

The first mate brings t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.