John Lennon Jokes - 32 Hilarious John Lennon Jokes

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon...

History shows if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.

I heard that beans were John Lennon's favourite vegetable....

.....up until he decided to give peas a chance.

Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.

Imagine all the people

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John Lennon at the pearly gates...

St Michael looks at him and says, “I know you don’t I?”
Lennon shrugs and says that it’s possible, yes. St Michael nods and asks where he would know him from. Lennon drawls, “Well, I used to be in a band, you know?”
St Michael asks the name of the band and Lennon replies, “It was a little beat...

What was John Lennons final hit?

The pavement

What do JFK, John Lennon and Donald Trump have in common?

Nothing. But a man can dream.

When John Lennon was a boy,

his best friend was a chubby lad named Winston - but because of Winston’s penchant for stuffing his face with Stilton, Red Leicester, Cheddar or Brie, naturally he was nicknamed “Cheese”.
One hot summer day, a gang of friends decided to head off to the local quarry to cool off in the water. The...

What did John Lennons parents say to him to get him to eat his veggies when he was a kid?

All we are saying is, give peas a chance

John Lennon walks into his wife:

Oh no!

In an insane asylum one night, someone cried "I am John Lennon!"

His caretaker said, "How do you know?" The patient said, "God told me!" Just then, his roommate shouted,
"I did not!"

How did John Lennon like his Pop-Tarts?

Strawberry Filled Forever

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What did John Lennon say at the bukkake?

Cum together, right now, over me

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...

I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

Did you know John Lennon wrote a song for kids who avoid green vegetables?

Give Peas a Chance!

How does John Lennon practice playing in front of large crowds?

He imagines all the people.

What was John Lennon's favorite fruit & place to eat it?

A wee olive in a yellow submarine.

A woman goes to a tattoo parlor to get her two favorite musicians on her inner thighs...

The tattoo artist finishes up and she is ELATED to see a picture-perfect tattoo of John Lennon on her left inner-thigh and Paul McCartney on her right.

As she walks out, she is so excited to share her new artwork that she goes up to the first person she sees; an old, homeless, wino sitting in...

It's been scientifically proven that John Lennon did some much LSD in the 60s.....

That he fell in love with Yoko Ono.

"Love me do" was written by John Lennon...

After he got a really nice haircut

The assassination of John Lennon is one of the biggest tragedies in music

Not even one of the five bullets hit Yoko Ono

Why was John Lennon shocked when he got his wife's gynecologist bill?

He had misunderstood the doctor when he said "I do probe Ono."

I’ve decided to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay

Imagine all the PayPal!

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My claim to fame is that I once met John Lennon on a train when we were both young men.

"John," I said. "Can you imagine all the people sharing all the world?"
He thought about it for a minute, then shook my hand. "Thank you," he said, "one day I might just write a song about this moment."
And he did, the rarely heard album track "Some Random Cunt I Met On A Train One Day".

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A Woman goes to a tattoo Artist

“On my right inner thigh, I want a tattoo of John Lennon,”she says. “On my left inner thigh I want a tattoo of Paul McCartney.” The tattoo artist agrees to it and they settle on a price and a day to do the piece.

The day finally comes and the woman arrives early. Although she’s super excit...

The 1960s started with beetle mania The 2020s have started with bat fever...

Well I’m hoping Covid-19 is just a one-hit wonder, you know, like “Come on Eileen” or John Lennon’s first wife

I like music by underground artists

Like Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson, John Lennon, Bob Marley and Prince.

What did John Lennon say when he got egg shells in his cake?

Yolko Oh-no

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A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billi...

Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player

Rock and Roll Joke

Kurt Cobain dies and when he opens his eyes, he's in a big practice hall. Looking around he sees Cliff Burton tuning up, Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon warming up on microphones and adjusting their guitar straps to fit, and Jerry Garcia messing with his pedal steel guitar.
Kurt ambles over to Jerry...

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Tattoo Artist

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo John Lennon and Paul McCartney on each of her inner thighs... The artist did his work, bandaged her up and told her to remove them the next week. The lady came back into the store angry as she felt neither tattoo looked like John or Pau...

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