UPJOKE
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Beatles Jokes

Beatles meeting:

Paul: Any ideas on the ending for Hey Jude?

John: Nah.
George: Nah.
Ringo: Nah.

How did Redbull break up The Beatles?

It gave McCartney Wings.

What did the other Beatles say when John married again?

Oh no.

A Danish person will not be nostalgic about old Beatles songs.

But a Norwegian wood.

What did the octopus say to his girlfriend at the Beatles concert?

I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand...




Courtesy of my dad when I was 5.

What did people say when the Beatles broke up?

Ono

Son: Dad can you tell me your favorite Beatles lyric?

Son, son, son, here it comes:

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have every Beatles album except one.

I need Help.

What do you call the Russian version of The Beatles "Let It Be"?

So Be It.

What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?

Penne Lane

What would The Beatles have been called if Ringo never joined?

The Beatless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a big fan of the Beatles, in particular Paul McCartney.

I made an account on the official Beatles website and made my profile picture an album of Paul McCartney throughout the years. However an admin told me I was going to be banned, I asked why and was shown the list of rules and the first was "Users are not allowed multipaul accounts."

What do you call the Beatles' drummer when in Mexico?

Gringo Starr

It's a shame The Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green.

That would've been sublime.

Why do Flat Earthers hate The Beatles?

Because the Earth is round, it turns them off.

I have become obsessed with collecting Beatles albums!

So far I've got 17 Revolvers, 8 Rubber Souls, 25 Sergeant Peppers, 6 Hard Days Nights, 12 White Albums, 14 Abbey Roads, 7 Yellow Submarines, 5 Let It Be's, 9 Please Please Me's, a couple of With The Beatles, 3 Beatles For Sales, and even a Magical Mystery Tour, BUT IT'S NEVER ENOUGH!

I NEED ...

What’s a pirate’s favorite Beatles song?

“Blackbeard singing in the dead of night…”

Who is the drummer for the Austrialian Beatles cover band?

ɹɐʇs oƃuᴉp

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Really disappointed with the new Beatles album

It's all drum & bass

"Beatles or Stones?" I asked my son.

"Why can't we have something normal for dinner?" He said

What is the Beatles' favourite social media site?

REDDIT BE

What's Putin's favorite Beatles song?

Back in the USSR

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would one of the Beatles say during an orgy?

Cum together, right now, over me.

I found out about this cool underground band called The Beatles.

Well actually only about half of them are underground at the moment.

Does a Swede listen to The Beatles?

No, but a Norwegian Would.

I met a chicken who was a fan of The Beatles today

He told me his number one thing on his bucket list was to meet someone named Abby.

When I asked him why, he said "I've always wanted to cross that road"

The Beatles are sitting around a table in a diner...

And all of them are happily sat there with their arms around their wives, all except for poor old Ringo.

“Guys? I’m really getting the blues being all lonely here. How do you suggest going about getting a woman?” He asks, drumming his fingers on the table.

John is the first to speak up...

I feel sorry for the first drummer of the Beatles.

All he got was a stupid street named after him, while Ringo Starr got the love and affection of tens of women.

I'm obsessed with buying beatles albums

I need help!

What's a cow's favourite Beatles song?

Hay Chewed

Did you know that Ringo Starr (drummer for The Beatles) had two daughters?

He named them, Anna One, Anna Two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when a beatles takes viagra?

It’s been a hard days night. I’ll be sleeping with a log

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend isn't speaking to me after I gave him a Beatles suggestion.

He asked me what Beatles album he should pick up, and I told him "Dude, you need to get Help."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried buy only some of the songs off of a Beatles album

But the store owner said they all come together

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the Beatles at a group sex party

Fabfournicators

What music didn't the Beatles invent?

Hip Hop, the weren't grasshoppers after all

Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub...

...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".

Did you hear that The Beatles once judged a singing competition?

They were the Hey-Judeicators.

Where are all the old Beatles records stored?

The Lennon closet.

Did you hear The Beatles were dead?

It's halfway true.

What is r/AskOuija's favorite Beatles song?

H E L L O Goodbye

Did you hear about The Beatles song used to get people to wash their hands?

Na na na na na na na na na na na Hi Jean

I've never been a fan of the song 'Hey Jude' by the Beatles.

The ending is just too salty.

I'd like to see a group of Wilfred Brimley impersonators form a Beatles cover band.

They would be called The Diabeatles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Tork of the Monkees has died, leaving just 2 surviving members.

Still copying the fucking Beatles.

Pope John Paul II...

...was on a tour of the United States some years ago. During a stop in Atlanta, an admirer presented him with a beautiful handmade ring. But somehow, in the hectic confusion of the tour, the ring was misplaced.

"Don't worry, Your Holiness," said the pope's aide. "I'm sure it will turn up b...

If The Beatles were from Hawaii...

What would they have called their song, "Hello Goodbye?"

Why won't hipsters listen to the Beatles until Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney die?

Because they only want to listen to the Beatles when they're underground

(Taken from Cyanide and Happiness comics)

Before the internet, things still went viral...

For example, The Beatles, among others, spread all over the world.

I guess you could say there were a few bugs going around.

My Dad was a Musician who played with the Beatles all the time.

He had all their albums but that was his favorite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do dung beatles like on their hotdogs?

Mus-turd

Did you hear what happened to Jude from the Beatles song?

He died of a Sodium overdose.

Fun fact: taking a can of bug spray to my phone will delete half my music library

by killing all of The Beatles

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?

Two more bullets.

(I heard this one a while back, sorry) Why can't you use a the restroom at a Beatles reunion concert?

Because there is no John.

Jim Morrison, The Beatles, and Monica Lewinsky walk into a room...

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.

Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him th...

My sister asked me who sings the 'Black Beatles' song [OC]

I told her probably John Melanin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is in a bathroom stall having a shit when he hears the guy in the next cubicle singing.

"Hey," he says. "I know that tune. That's The Beatles."

"Very good," says the guy in the next stall.

"Would you like to hear some of The Stones?" he says.

The guy pauses, and says, "Yes, go on then."

"OK," he grunts. "Let me just push a bit harder."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People keep talking shit about Ringo Starr's drumming.

But let's be honest: at his time in The Beatles, he certainly was in the drumming Top 4 of The Beatles!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tin Man's Record Collection

I was in Oz visiting the Tin Woodsman' and I discovered his large record collection, I asked if I could flip through it. Awkwardly he said I could but warned me that he was ashamed of it. I shrugged it off and began flipping through, he had an album by every band I could think of, Stones, yup. Skyny...

Yo mama so stupid

She sprayed Raid on The Beatles

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of aging Rockstars are hanging out and comparing who has received the most impressive gift…

They are in Roger Daltrey’s house and he is showing off an exquisite pinball machine.
“This Custom Tommy Pinball Machine was given to me by the Prime Minister of Sweden. He loved Tommy so much he had it specially made. The balls and all the metal fixtures are made of real Sterling Silver!”
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Lennon at the pearly gates...

St Michael looks at him and says, “I know you don’t I?”
Lennon shrugs and says that it’s possible, yes. St Michael nods and asks where he would know him from. Lennon drawls, “Well, I used to be in a band, you know?”
St Michael asks the name of the band and Lennon replies, “It was a little beat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

I'm such a hipster...

I'm such a hipster that I won't listen to the Beatles until they're all dead. That way I can say I was a fan when they were underground.

I hear The Beatles influenced the COVID19 treatment policy at Italian hospitals...

Live... Let Die... Live... Let Die...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

---------------

The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album. It’s mostly drum and bass.

What do Linda McCarthy and a spider web the in common?

They hang out with dead Beatles.

What's yellow and lives off dead beatles?

Yoko Ono

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