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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry

A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by a Chinese man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt. "How did you come to have a name like that?" inquired the stranger. The man explained in very...

During history class at a German school, Little Hans raises his hand.

"Teacher, is it true that Russia has the longest streets in the world?"

"No, why do you ask?" the teacher asks.

"Well," Little Hans says, "my grandpa told me how he and his buddies crawled one street in Stalingrad for days and never reached the end of it."

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer.

Hans is literally the wurst.

Hey, Hans!

During World War I, the Germans and the Americans are engaged in trench warfare. There's a lull in the fighting due to lack of supplies on both sides.

One of the Americans, bored with the lack of action, turns to his buddy and says, "hey, what's a common German name?"

His buddy replies...

A little boy is sitting with his grandfather (Hans) on a hill overlooking their small town.

The grandfather points out a church in the middle of town and says, "you see that church? I built it, but do they call me "Hans the Church Builder"? No."

A couple minutes later, Hans points out a long brick wall along the outskirts of town. He says to his grandson, "you see that brick wall? I...

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During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

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A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex wit you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprin...

Hans, Is That You?

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.
In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his...

How did the captain of the Millennium Falcon satisfy himself before he met Leia?

With his Hans, Solo

Hans Olaffsen

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.

He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the s...

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

How do you cook german composers?

Just let Hans simmer for about 2 hours.

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Fritz and his grandpa Hans sit atop a hill overlooking their cozy little village.

Hans points at one of the houses and says "See that house over there? I built that. But do the people of our village call me 'Hans the house builder'? No."

Then he points at a bridge crossing a small stream and says "And see that bridge over there? I built that as well. But do the people of o...

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Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

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[long] John McClane and Hans Gruber sat next to each other in Spanish class as kids at Nakatomi Plaza Junior High School...

One day the *Profesora* said, "we're going to have a vocab quiz, but we're going to do it as a game, make a competition out of it. I'm going to say a word in English, and you and the person sitting next to you compete to see who can give me the Spanish equivalent faster." She turned to the first pai...

It's the 1920s. A German tourist while walking around in New York city's Chinatown, notices a restaurant named "Hans Baumhauer's authentic chop suey"...

He gets curious, and wants to find out more about this German man who has set up a restaurant in the heart of china town.
He asks a very old Chinese man squatting in front of the restaurant, "Do you know this Hans Baumhauer who owns this restaurant?"
"Yes", says the old man, "I am Hans Baumhau...

A German tourist driving through France gets pulled over for speeding, and the French police officer starts questioning him.

FPO: Name?

GT: Hans Schmidt.

FPO: Age?

GT: 36

FPO: Occupation?

GT: No! No! I’m only here on vacation!

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Many. Because many Hans make light work.

Hans Grapje was raised

in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.


 
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplai...

Hans, how was your first day at the Coast Guard Station?

Not so good... Very boring it was. Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking.

He was sinking?

Yes, so I asked him about what he was sinking, and he never replied. How rude!

Hans the Norwegian

Hans was arrested for speeding... driving 66 miles an hour in a 50 mph zone. However, he explained to the officer,

"I saw a big sign vit 66 on it."

"That's Highway 66," the officer said disgustedly.

"Goodness sakes," replied Hans, "you should have seen me yesterday on highway 11...

Hans turns up for his first day with the German Coast Guard. He's shown round the building, then taken to his new position as radio operator.

"Gut Mornink, Hans," says the old hand. "As you are ze new guy, I am off to ze bier keller. Just remember, all international radio traffic must be in ze English", and leaves.

Hans sits listening to the radio for a while, when he hears a call.
"Mayday, Mayday - help us, can anyone hear us?"...

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Hans Wolfgang

A man, (lets call him Adam) is walking through his new city neighborhood looking for a dry-cleaners. He goes on to find one cleaners called "Hals Wolfgang's Express Clean." Curious, he walks in the building to find it almost empty, exept for the manager, a small, old, asian man. Adam walks up to the...

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

A German was going to a trip in France...

He reached passport control and the officer asked:

"Name?"

"Hans Kleiner"

"Age?"

"31"

"Occupation?"

"No no, just visiting"

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A tourist in Chinatown sees a sign advertising "Hans Olafsen's Laundry"

He goes inside to check it out, and there's an old Asian man in the corner.
"How did this place get named 'Hans Olafsen's Laundry'?" he asks.
"It's named after me, Hans Olafsen." said the man.
"That's an unusual name for a Chinese man" observed the tourist.
"When I wa...

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I had to break up with my girlfriend because she didn't like my German shepherd

I don't like that Hans gets sheep shit all over the house as well but I think she overreacted

The best Christmas movie is...

Die Hard, a Hans down winner.

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