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Unprotected Jokes

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Why is it okay to have unprotected sex with an Uvalde police officer?

Because they never come inside.

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An alligator decided to have unprotected sex...

Now he has Gatorades.

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I had unprotected phone sex last night.

Now I have hearing aids.

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My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

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What does a blue-green genie get from unprotected sex?

Genieteal warts

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What's difference between the United States and unprotected sex?

With the US, it doesn't matter if it pulls out or not. You are screwed anyways.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate unprotected sex?

It's fucking raw

If you have unprotected six

You might get eights

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College is like unprotected sex...

Good until you get tested

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Unprotected Friending

The act of hanging out with a friend and not maintaining social distancing or wearing a mask.

Kind of like unprotected sex. It’s fun while you’re doing it but feels dirty afterward and leaves you worrying for weeks.

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Why is it safe to have unprotected sex with a vampire?

Because vampires can't come inside unless invited.

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What's the difference between Global Warming and unprotected sex?

Nothing; they both feel great and scare the fuck outta me.

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What do birds get if they have unprotected sex?

Cherppies!

Do you know why that's really bad?

Their un-tweetable!

What comes from unprotected casual hook-ups?

Netflix & chilldren

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I was recently in a play about unprotected sex.

It was hell, every night I got the clap.

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Having unprotected sex is like having a 401(k)...

You have to know when to pull out

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Why would Gordan Ramsey never have unprotected sex with a man?

Because it's fucking raw!

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Two promiscuous citrus fruits have unprotected sex

They get lemon-aids

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Darth Vader takes a trip to the clinic after having unprotected sex. What did his test results come back positive for?

Sithilis

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What do you contract from unprotected sex with a cowgirl?

Gonor*yeeeeehaaaa!*

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Studies show unprotected sex has over an 8 percent chance of causing Cancer.

The same study found a near equal chance of causing Gemini or Sagittarius.

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A tourist returns back home

A tourist travels all over Asia and has unprotected sex wherever he goes. A few days after he returns back to America he notices that his penis is covered with green and purple spots. Alarmed, he immediately visits a doctor.

'Oh boy, that's obviously the infamous 'Mongolian Spotty Dick Syndro...

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the paper bag. (old but pretty funny!).

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.
 
The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.
 
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he has Hepatitis B....

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Wireless Internet is like Sex

You still want it, even if it's unprotected and in a public place.

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My son has taught me many things.

The main one is that you should never have unprotected sex.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

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A paper bag walks into the doctors because he's feeling a little down

Has some tests and come back a week later.

Doctor says, "I'm sorry son, but you're HIV positive"

The bag is in disbelief "How can this happen, I'm a paper bag?"

"Have you ever had unprotected sex?"

"We'll no, I'm a paper bag"

"What about sharing needles"

"No...

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As a man: never raise your hand to a child.

It leaves your balls unprotected.

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

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Doctor my dick has turned orange..

A man walks into a doctors office and says "doc my dicks turned orange!" So the doctor says "well have you had unprotected sex? Or done any illicit drugs?" The man replies "no doc I've been home all week watching movies and eatin cheetos."

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A 30 year old guy goes to the doctor for a check up

After running some labs and checking vitals, the doctor asks the patient some questions.

Doctor: How often do you drink?

Patient: I've never touched the stuff.

Doctor: What about tobacco use?

Patient: Never tried it. Never will.

Doctor: Do you use any recreation...

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Quality assurance joke about sex (NSFW)

There was a quality assurance bug tester who was interested in getting pregnant. She read on a factual website that having sex without a condom will make you pregnant, so that's what she did. However, a month later, she was not pregnant.

Frustrated, she submitted a complaint to the website th...

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A guy goes to see the doctor . . .

. . . and pulls down his pants to reveal his penis is bright orange.

"Hmmm," the doctor says, "have you had any unprotected sex in the last 6 months?"

"No!" the man grumbled.

"Well, have you been to any 3rd-world countries lately?"

No, I *haven't*," the man said nastily.<...

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An American Guy goes to China

while in China he has unprotected sex. He then returns to the States after two weeks, he noticed bright green and purple freckles. He immediately goes to see a doctor.
Doc says this is a rare disease called Mongolian VD I'm sorry but the only cure is to amputate your tool.
Horrified he goes t...

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The Bravest Football Fan

Three football fans, an Arsenal fan, a Chelsea fan, and a Manchester United fan, are caught gambling in a country in which gambling is illegal. They are brought before a judge and sentenced to be whipped 50 times each. Right before the judge releases the men, he tells them they each can have one req...

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hangs his head in disappointment and shame, knowing he's contracted an STD,

A old man who's been in a nursing home for many years starts bugging the administrator to let him have a weekend pass, to 'sow his last wild oats', he says, before he finally passes on. Every week he asks the same question and every week he's turned down.
Months later there's a change of staff, w...

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