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Insurance Company Jokes

Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company.

When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?"
The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I...

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I got an internship for an insurance company.

My job was to review applications, I would receive a notification that a position was open, receive a stack of applications every day, and be expected to vet them and send the up the line for review.

My first day on the job my boss stepped to the desk I was working at, looked at my stack of a...

Which insurance company offers full coverage to frat houses?

Brogessive

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What's the difference between a necrophile and an insurance company?

Necrophiles fuck you after you died, and insurance companies fuck your family after you died.

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."


The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."


Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."


The fourth insurance company re...

My insurance company sent me a gift for my Reddit anniversary.

It was cake from State Farm.

I called my home insurance company today. I asked them to insure my antique rubber band collection.

They said “that’ll be a stretch”

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

When lightnings struck the church, the insurance company refused to pay

Reason: Act of God, in other words, deliberate destruction by owner.

Whats a communists favorite insurance company?

Allstate

What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?

A friend with benefits



I'll leave now

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre existing condition.

What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company?

Progressive

*this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance*

A wife files an accidental death claim for her husband. It gets denied. She calls the insurance company demanding to know why the policy wasn't honored. The agent reviewed the notes and informed her the policy wasn't covered because he'd died from a heart attack, to which she replied:

"My husband didn't have a heart attack on purpose!"

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

What did the insurance company say to the applicant?

THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!

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What's the difference between an insurance company and an asshole?

If you shove money into an asshole at least you can expect to get shit back

A poor man was looking for a job

For weeks he couldn't find one, and he barely had any money left when he found a job at a company as a bathroom cleaner. He went to the office, and after discussing with the boss, he got the job "One thing," said the boss, "I'll need to send you our policy to sign via email". The man looked at him ...

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

An oceanarium took out an insurance policy on their trained seals.

One day one of their seals got injured and needed treatment. However, the insurance company rejected their claim.
The reason was: "Warranty void if seal is broken."

Two cars crashed close to a bar at noon...

One driver died instantly. The other was thrown out of the windscreen, hit the ground, and broke several bones. He screams and shouts for help.

A man that was drinking at the bar leaves and sees the scene. He goes close to the screaming man and asks:

\- No one has arrived yet?

\...

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A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way...

A cigar smoker bought several hundred expensive cigars

And had them insured against fire. After he'd smoked them all, he filed a claim, pointing out that the cigars had been destroyed by fire. The company refused to pay, and the man sued. A judge ruled that because the insurance company had agreed to insure against fire, it was legally responsible. The ...

vacationing in the caribbean

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.

The attorney said, “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

"That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. “I’m here because my house...

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A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck...

He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

'I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?' said the counsel for the insurance company. 'Yes, that's right,' replied the farmer. 'You claim you were injured in the accident, yet i have a...

A man walks into a bank with a 100 dollar check he wants cashed.

The banker asks him if he wouldn't rather invest it?

"No." says the man. "I don't trust these banks more than I have too. If I give you my 100 dollars, what happens if the investment goes south? I'll lose everything."

"Well," says the banker with a paternal smile, "If that happens, all...

American healthcare is so bad...

that after a doctor's visit the insurance company has to send you an *explanation of benefits*.

An old man wants to get life insurance

The employee working at the insurance company asks:

'How old are you, sir?'

'I'm 102.'

'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'

'Your dad's birthday?! H...

How do you become rich in Asian countries?

Open a car insurance company

A construction worker lost his hand in an workplace accident.

The insurance company is trying to figure out how it happened but they can't quite put their finger on it

A man approached what was certainly a bad vehicle accident.

It seemed that a bus had been hit by a truck belonging to a major company. Strewn about on the ground were a dozen bus passengers. The man asked one of the passengers, “Has anybody from the insurance company been here yet?” The passenger shook his head from side to side. The man continued, “Good, th...

You've had a bad day but...

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.


The flesh eating virus barely touched your other arm.


Imagine what would have happened if your ex-wife had a *good* lawyer.


The fertility drugs worked 4 times better than expected.


The insurance company ...

The phone rings...

...and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello."

"May I speak with Mrs. Smith please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor Kent at Metro Labs.

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, we also received a biopsy from another Mr. Smith as w...

Insurance...

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascerta...

George and Lou are enjoying a leisurely round of golf at their luxury retirement resort in Florida.

George says, "Lou, I've got to come clean. You know when I moved to this resort I told everyone I was a successful restaurateur in New Jersey? Well, the fact is, I ran a lunch cart for the last 50 years, never made any money, and it burned down. Insurance company settled with me for $500,000. I so...

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A man gets in a car accident that completely rips off his penis.

The doctor says, “Sir, we are going to have to rebuild your penis from scratch. Now, the way we do this operation is to charge you $1,000 for every inch in length. Your insurance company has given you $12,000, and that’s yours to keep, so maybe you want to use all of it, or maybe only 5 or even 4 th...

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A Serious Accident

A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident. He looks around and sees the doctor coming up to him. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you will be able to walk again without rehabilitation. The bad news is that due to the severity of the accide...

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A man dies in an accident

He never drank, nor smoked. He never had sex and never indulged in anything unhealthy.

The Life Insurance Company refused the claim on the note that 'How can someone have died if he had never lived in the first place?'

So, the 7 year-old daughter is talking with her mom...

"Mom, today at school during break, Jason and I played doctor!" she says excitedly.
"Oh dear" the mother answers, fearing the worst "what did you two do?"
"Oh, not much, he made me wait forty-five minutes and then double billed the insurance company."

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The Baguette Joke

A man that works for a large insurance company was sent to see the company's therapist. The therapist asked the man why he was sent to see her.
"I am told I have a speech impediment, but I think the really reason I was sent down here is because I hate baguettes," said the man in a crisp and flui...

A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears ripped off...

Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing rugby for good.

His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way.

One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business.

He bought the company outright ...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

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A guy wakes up in a hospital

A guy wakes up in a hospital and doesn't know where he is for a second, and then he remembers he was in a huge traffic accident. He franticly looks around panicked and is then comforted by a doctor. "It's okay, you are fine. But I have some bad news for you", says the doctor. The man say, "What....

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