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Induced Jokes

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Two pregnant women are in the hospital waiting to be induced.

One woman says to the other: "For our first child, my husband bought us a brand new car!"

The other woman says: "That's nice."

The first woman says: "For our second child, my husband bought us a new house!"

The other woman again says: "That's nice"

The first woman looking...

What do you call a marijuana induced tragedy?

Blunt Trauma

What do you call it when a physician corrects your punctuation?

A medically induced comma.

They say a batch of Indian food would cure what ails you…

That was the first case of medically induced Korma.

Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...

"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.

Dad joke while in labor and delivery

Wife is getting induced so we are currently at the hospital and while talking to the nurse she asked how many kids she had. To which she replied 3 as any seasoned Dad would do I decided to introduce a joke that had me cracking up in my head so I turn and look and say 3 kids with a frown that’s an od...

Short lived

A man wakes up from induced coma after a surgery and finds the doctor sitting by his bed.

"Doctor, was the surgery a success? " - He asks.

"Well there's been a bit of a complication" answers the doctor, "you only have 5 to live".

Panicked, the man asks: "Five what? Years? Months...

A pirate walks into a bar...

...and requests a grog of ale.

"Sure thing pal," says the bartender. But he sees the pirate has his ship's wheel stuck in his pants. "Mr. Pirate," he says, "you do realize your wheel is in your pants?"

The pirate looks at the bartender with a fury-induced bloodshot eye that held years...

Are you ready kids? AYE AYE CAPTAIN! I can't hear youuuu! AYE AYE CAPTAIN! Ohhhhhh, who lives with a GPA under a C?

CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS

Who's living with stress induced anxiety? CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS!

If wanting to drop out is something you wish...CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS

Then take a long nap and watch some Netflix!

COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEEEEGGEEEEE STUUUDEEEE...

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EA to donate 50% of profits from future titles to starving children around the world.

After they make them purchase the postage, packing materials, fuel for the planes, silverware, plates, drinking cups, seasonings, construct hand out facilities, eating establishments, refuse disposal, environmental studies on said refuse disposal, labor costs and finally any and all expenses from F...

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Where are You from?

At a bar, a guy seats next to a asian. The asian drinks a bottle of beer. He asked

“Hey. Where are you from? China? Japen? Or korea?

“Guess what. I’m gonna drop hints. “

“Okay. Gimme. “

“In my country, there is internet censorship. And Making a porn is illegal. Also Pros...

Drunk...

A drunk lurches out of a pub at lunchtime.

After getting his alcohol-induced double vision together, he notices a car parked by the kerb with its bonnet up and a man leaning against the car with his arms folded and looking very grumpy.

He staggers over and manages to slur, "What's the...

The pregnant woman

So a pregnant woman is walking towards the hospital to get induced into labor when a gunman walks out of an ally and demands all of her money. She hands it all over shakily and he shoots her three times in the stomach and she blacks out.
The woman wakes up in the hospital a couple days later...

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Going to be a father in April and remembered this classic:

A new machine had come out in the medicine field and a doctor was working with a pregnant couple that wanted to participate in the clinical trials.

"This machine," he says, "once hooked up to the mother will make it so she feels none of the pain, but the father will have to endure all of it."...

What to say while drunk!

A husband wakes up with a hangover. He opens his eyes n sees aspirins and water.

He sits down & sees his clothes all clean & pressed....

He takes the aspirin & finds a note "Honey, breakfast is on table, I left to buy groceries. Love you"

Totally shocked,

He g...

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Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered her...

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Man wanting to commit suicide

So a man in his mid 40's just got fired from his job as a watch salesman. He goes home in his broken down car to break the news to his wife only to find out that she's been cheating on him with his extremely successful best friend. "Thats it" he thinks and jumps out his window. Unfortunately he land...

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An old business tycoon marries a young supermodel but knows his jealousy will eventually, get the better of him…

So everyday, the tycoon; Mr Green, rings up his new wife from his office on the top floor of his international corporation headquarters in the city to their penthouse apartment in the suburbs. And everyday, regular as clockwork the wife answers, slightly out of breath and always surprised to hear hi...

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

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