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Banned Jokes

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

Just been banned from a Christian dating website.

Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name!

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital?

He kept watering the vegetables.

President Trump just banned shredded cheeses.

He wants to Make America Grate Again

I got banned from the local swimming pool today

They banned me for "peeing in the pool".

I tried defending myself by saying *everybody* pees in the pool, but according to them no one does it from the diving board

What is the difference between BTS and Logan Paul?

BTS is a boy band from Asia; Logan Paul is a boy banned from Asia.

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

You get banned from SeaWorld.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

What did all the abortion doctors do after abortion was banned?

They went to plan b.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Did you hear they banned all porn from the internet?

I don't know what this world is cumming to.

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

I was banned from r/anarchism

For breaking the subreddit rules...

Why was the bodybuilder banned from Walmart?

Shoplifting.

I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

I just got banned from /r/fashion

Apparently they didn't like my threads

I just got banned from IKEA.

I asked the assistant: “how much for a one night stand”?

Say what you will about r/incels being banned

But at least someone finally got them off.

I was banned from my local butcher store today.

I asked which steak has the best texture and flavor. When he said "strip loin" I thought it was a command.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Viagra was banned in China by the government.

They don’t want to admit they have election ploblems.

(Bad but OC)

People who say ketamine should be banned.

Should get down off their high horse..

My son was just thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

what's the fastest way to get banned from r/conservative?

source?

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

Why are elephants banned from the swimming pool?

They can't keep their trunks up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy

I told her I was more into anal and feet

Now I’m banned from KFC

A joke most likely to get me banned by Ellen Pao

So, a man walks into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

The flattered woman replies, "You really think so?"

The guy says, "Oh of course! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Why is baseball banned in China?

We all know what happened the last time someone ate the bat.

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.

Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was asked whether I prefer breasts or thighs.

I said "Well, both are nice, but I really like is a nice wet pussy". Apparently that was the wrong reply, as I'm now banned from KFC.

Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan??

Apparently there’s a Tally Ban.

I was banned from the airport last week.

Security doesn't really like it when you call "shotgun" on the plane.

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

They would steal all the boos.

Abortion clinics should be banned

Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

Banned

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD-40.

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

I had a nightmare that my TikTok account got banned

For a second, i was really scared that i had TikTok

The world banned Russian gas

but Russians say with all the fibre in their beings they can’t stop pootin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that Alabama banned sex in the Doggystyle position?

They said that you should never turn your back on your family.

I am banned from my church livestream

Apparently dunking a pizza crust into a full glass of wine and then chugging it is not acceptable for holy communion.

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub was just banned in Arkansas, but there's a catch. Before you can gain access, you have to watch at least one video of dwarf MILF content.

That's the bare mini mum.

I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

Why was the cat banned from running the race?

Because he was a cheetah.

An Arthur episode was banned in Alabama

In the episode the kids learn that their favorite teacher is about to get married and follow him around they see him meet a woman who they assume is his wife. They don’t like her so they try to stop the wedding. In the end it turns out that the woman was his sister and that their teacher was marryin...

Why was google translate banned in North-Korea?

The speech option was free

Why is Alexander Hamilton banned from all-you-can-eat buffets?

because he will never be satisfied, oh he will never be satisfied.

Why is gambling banned in South Africa?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

I was banned from playing soccer due to my two-foot tackle

Though it did wonders for my career in adult films.

If you get banned from a furry convention

You will be fursona non grata

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I'm banned from Subway

Why were the Kardashians banned from the beach?

Because there is already too much plastic in the ocean

Germany has banned the word good

Apparently they're going Guten free.

I heard China recently banned plastic waste

They better not let Kim Kardashian in this week.

Another pesticide got banned

Apparently it was making the corn go deaf

Why are surgeons banned from karaoke bars?

Things tend to get messy on "Open Mic" night.

Why is fruit squash banned in Germany?

They have a bad history with concentrated juice

I finally realize why authoritarian governments banned blank pieces of A4 paper in protests

It’s not Legal

OC: How did the pirate announce he'd banned Kanye from the treasure hunt?

“There be no gold for Ye here.“

I’ve heard it’s impressive to keep your Reddit account more than a year without being banned.

To me it’s a piece of cake.

I got banned from donating clothes to the local orphanage

Apparently they don't appreciate Batman costumes......

If Reddit gets banned it will ruin everyone's life,

Including Redditors.

Why US politicians are banned from plastic surgeries?

Can’t find any tools to cut open their skins

A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films.

He's going to call it Nyetflix.

I got banned from /r/explainlikeimfive

I answered "Shut up and go to your room because I said so."

Am I shadow-banned from r/astronomy?

No one is replying to my comets.

Why was the referee banned from the arena?

For their foul language.

Why were kids banned from watching a pirate film

Because it was rated rrrrrrrrr

Nintendo has explicitly banned Chris Pratt from using method acting for the Mario movie

They have warned him that eating shrooms on set is both unprofessional and illegal.

Soviet Russia would've banned Minecraft

Until it was called "Ourcraft"

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames

and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

I got banned from yet ANOTHER gas station!

What is so wrong with wanting to try on the condoms before buying?!

I wondered why I was banned from dating sites for paying with Monopoly money.

But apparently that's not legal Tinder.

Did you hear about tandem camping being banned in all national parks?

Turned out it was two in tents to be allowed.

Banned oranges...

It's 2021 and I went to the supermarket to buy some oranges but couldn't find any. I went to another one but there were no oranges again...

I asked the store manager what's the matter

He said "Trump banned all the Muslims for what some of them did so the new president banned all the o...

TIFU by misinterpreting the meaning of shower thoughts and getting banned from the sub

I still think "I like when people get me hot and come inside me" is something a shower would think though.

Did you hear Karen was banned from the zoo?

She took a fence.

Why was the red blood cell banned from church today?

Because he said God's name in vein.

Why was Pingu banned from Instagram?

He was posting noots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was banned from a largest cock competition

Apparently I misunderstood the objective

If Trump banned Tik Tok because it's made in China

Why doesn’t he just ban the Corona Virus?

Turkey has just banned cheese...

It seems they have issues with the curds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a conservative prostitute that gets banned from twitter?

A Parler trick

Banned from the Holy City

Apparently, it is frowned upon to visit the Wailing Wall dressed as Captain Ahab.

The Chinese banned E for a day

For 24 hours everything was Mad in China

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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