Hollers Jokes - 58 Hilarious Hollers Jokes

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the...

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" ...

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A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.

.
Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke.
She said sure, so he went to the restroom.
The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the ...

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

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A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Trembling, the teller stammers, “D...d...don’t y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?”

The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!”

Kevin the town idiot.

A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"

He then hollers at the other guy

" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"

Kevin happily ...

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A little boy goes walking by the old man’s house...(NSFW)

...carrying a roll of duct tape. The old man hollers from his porch, “Hey, young man! Where you walking to with that duct tape?” The boy responds, “I’m gonna catch me some ducks!” The old man laughs and yells back, “Boy, don’t you know you can’t catch ducks with duct tape?” The little boy just smil...

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A young couple is outside doing yard work..

They’ve been working hard all morning and the wife says “boy I’m cooked, I’m gonna go inside and clean up.” The husband tells her he’s going to stay outside and keep working for a while.

She goes inside the house, up the stairs into the bathroom, gets the water running, and gets completely un...

A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan.
The bartender looks at the man and says,
"You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxi...

A man is standing in his front yard, drinking a beer in his boxer shorts…

His wife is mowing the lawn while he stands there doing nothing. The neighbor catches a sight of this and yells out, “you’re standing there drinking a beer while your wife mows the lawn?! You should be hung!!”
The man hollers back, “I Am!”

King

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The ...

Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

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Pumpkin patch surprise

A guy gets invited to a Halloween party at a farm just a mile outside town. He has a little too much to drink, and being responsible, decides to walk home and come back to get his car later.

On the walk home, he suddenly has a rumble in his stomach. He has to take a shit immediately. He ...

At a boat rental concession the manager spots a boat out on a lake and yells through his megaphone,"Number 99,come in please. Your time is up."

Several minutes pass but the boat doesn't return.

"Boat number 99," He again hollers, "Return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you over time."

"Something's wrong!We only have 75 boats."the manager pauses then raises his megaphone,"Boat number 66,are you okay?"

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Finally proves all blondes aren't dumb

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she strips naked from her neck down, and...

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Jackass

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hollers at the bartender "Hey Jackass...gimme a beer!"
The bartender obliges without comment.
After the patron downs his beer he hollers at the bartender again "Hey Jackass...gimme another beer".
Again, the bartender gets the guy another beer and say...

Satchmo: "My trumpet is very handy. It tells me what time it is." Sanborn: "Seriously?" Satchmo launches into a jazzy riff.

Immediately, the occupant of the apartment next door bangs on the wall and hollers, "Hey, pipe down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

Two blondes are walking down either side of a river...

One hollers over to the other, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"

The other one yells back, "You are on the other side of the river!"

4 men entered a plane...

...an Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and a Texan and were flying across the country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of yo...

A Jewish father calls his son in New York and tells him...

“I hate to tell you, but your mother and I can't stand each other anymore and we are divorcing. That's it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I am telling you now so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."

The father hangs up and David immediately c...

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

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A fur trapper walks into a bar

A fur trapper walks into a small town bar. He tells the guys at the bar "I bet you a drink that I can identify any animal pelt, and what it was killed with, by touch alone." Amused, one man went out to his truck and got a pelt out. The trapper was blindfolded and handed the pelt. "Ah, gray squirrel,...

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Vegas Vacation

Three male work buddies decided to take their wives on a gambling vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The gambling vacation week flew by and they all had a great time in the casinos gambling. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break time on their first day back...

This will take awhile

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede, but there's no answer from the box.
A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he holl...

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "

The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "

" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "

To which the lookout replies "...

Two strings walk into a bar.

The bartender yells " Get out we don't serve strings" and has the bouncer throw them out.
The first string is dejected and sadly heads home.

The second string stands up, dusts himself off and decides he is gonna try again. He bends over backwards turns to the side and pushes his head and ...

Some cavalry soldiers are pinned down by a bunch of Indians.

The Major yells to the Sergeant, "Sergeant, I don't like the sound of those drums!" one of the Indians hollers, "He's not our regular drummer!"

Old man Haskins was caught fahv stories high in a burning building...

Waren't no ladder tall enough to rescue im'!

With mah quick thinkin', Ah saved the day!

"Old man Haskins!" I hollers up to 'im "tie this rope 'round yer waist!"

So I throwed the rope up to him, he tied it tight 'round his waist, and I pulled him down!

Hillbilly Ma says to her son,

"Jethro, I need you to fix the outhouse."

"What fer ma?"

"Jis go 'n hava look."

So Jethro walks out to the outhouse, opens the door, and looks, "I don't see nothin wrong here ma," he says.

"Look closer," says Ma. Jethro moves into the outhouse.

"Still don't see nu...

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey...

"Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.
...

I got the clearance from a Newfie

So this Newfie goes ice fishing.

He drills the hole, sits down, and puts his line in. Now he’s sitting there and he hears this ominous voice,
“There’s no fish down there”

Puzzled, the Newfie gets up, carries his things a ways away. He drills the hole, sits down, and puts his line i...

Ned and Fred Go Fishing

Ned and Fred rent a row boat to go fishing. It costs $20 for five hours to rent the boat. For the first four hours, they row around the lake but find no fish. Finally, at the last hour, they find the prefect spot and catch a lot of fish. Fred tells Ned "Mark this spot so that next time we don't...

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A man begins to suspect he has a tapeworm, so he goes to the doctor...

The doctor examines him and confirms that yes, he does have a tapeworm. "And it's a pretty wily one, too. Every time I try to yank it out, it just darts away. I'm gonna have to resort to more unorthodox methods..."

The man doesn't like the sound of that, but he's desperate to get rid of the p...

Contractors don't go to Hell...

They go to purgatory.

Once a week Satan comes down, waves, and hollers, "Guys, don't worry. You'll be out of here next week. I promise!"

A father is yelling at his son for running in the house,

And of course, the boy talks back. Dad says "go to your room!"
His son replies with "Jim Morrison was overrated!"
"Dammit it boy" dad hollers,"what did I tell you about slamming the Doors?! "

A blond is driving down a California highway and sees a semi pulled over on the side of the road broken down. She asks the driver "do you need a ride." The semi driver says "no I'll fix the truck but I have 2 chimps that need to get to the San Diego zoo, I'll give you $100 if you take them there."

"Sure" says the lady. He helps her get them strapped in and she was on her way. A few hours later the semi driver got into San Diego and sees this woman walking down the street with the chimps. He pulls over and hollers "What the hell? I gave you $100 to take these chimps to the San Diego zoo." Look...

Drunk driver

A preacher was driving home late one night.

A little ways down the road he noticed the car in front of him was swerving a lot. Must be a drunk driver he thought.

The preacher went to pass him and the drunk swerved over.

Trying to avoid an accident, the preacher swerves out o...

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Little Johnny goes hunting (long)

One day little Johnny is walking down the street past the Old mans house carrying a roll of chicken wire.

The old man calls out from the rocking chair on his porch "What'ya got there boy?".

Little Johnny says back "I got me chicken wire! I'ma gonna catch me some chickens!".

The ...

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Alabama Wedding

Deep in the heart of Alabama, a son arrives to his father's house with exciting news.

"Paw, I met the best girl in the world, and we're about to get married!"

The father seems excited, and urges his son to describe her.

"Well, she's quick as a whip, funny as a bone, most gorg...

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

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Man Raises a Toast at the Bar

He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.

Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"

"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"

"Here...

Bring me my red shirt!

The lookout sees a pirate ship sailing their way. The captain shouts to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings the red shirt and the captain puts it on, and when the pirates try to board, the brave captain leads his men to victory. A few days later, the lookout screams, "Two ...

A Drunk is Walking Down the Street

he walks up to a cop and says, "Man, somebody stole my car."

The cop asks, "well where was it?"

The drunk goes, "it was on the end of this key here."

The cop replies, "I dunno man. Why don't you go down to the station and file a report down there. You fill out all the proper fo...

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The Tax Poem

Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.

Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teac...

A German, a Polak, and a Chinaman all get hired at a coal mine.

The foreman takes them down to show them what they need to do. "OK, German, take that pick and start knocking coal out of the wall. Polak, shovel the coal and put it in the railcar. Chinaman, you will be in charge of supplies. I'll be back later to check on you guys." So about an hour later, the ...

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A married people joke

A man and a woman saved up money to buy a boat and the wife comes home and says "honey I need a hearing aides and it's expensive " The husband asks "is it ok if we hold off a little while and go ahead and get the boat?" She happily agrees.
They go out on the river in their fancy new boat and come...

So this cowboy buys a new horse...

As he's saddling him up to leave the ranch, the previous owner tells him, "There's only one thing different about this here horse. He was raised by a preacher since he was a pony. If you want him to stop, you say Amen. If you want him to go, you say praise the Lord."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" the c...

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Two hunters bag a deer...

Dave starts butchering, and Bob says he'll be right back after he takes a dump. He walks into the trees, and hangs his butt over a log. About twenty minutes later, Dave realizes Bob is napping on his crapper, and decides to play a joke. He slips around his friend, and dumps some bloody deer intestin...

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Of Harleys and Horses (a joke that reads like a fable)

One day, it rained mighty fierce down on the farm. And when the weather let up, all the barn animals decided to come out and play. As they did so, Mr. Horse decided he wanted to go take a romp out in Mr. Farmers field, and splash in all the muck puddles.

After a while, however, Mr. Horse foun...

The teacher was quizzing the bible students...

and she asked "Who parted the Red Sea?"
Just then, rotten little Johnny poked Suzy with a pin, causing her to exclaim "Holy Moses!"
The teacher said "Very good, Suzy!"
Then the teacher asked "Who turned water into wine?"
Johnny pokes Suzy with the pin again, who hollers "...

Car breaks down in front of an insane asylum... [Long]

So a guy’s car breaks down in front of an insane asylum in the dead of the night in the pouring rain. The guy gets out of the car and sees he has a flat tire on his front drivers side. He goes to his trunk to grab the spare, the jack, and his wrench.

As he takes the lug nuts off, he places t...

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A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure wh...

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A wise old man walks out his door one morning to sip his coffee and take in the dawn of a new day.

As he adjusts his view towards the street he sees a boy pulling a wagon with something in it in the direction of town.

He addresses the boy and asks "young man, what do you have in your wagon this morning?".

The boy replies "it's chicken wire sir."

Man "well what are you going t...

A man Walk in to a Bar

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additi...

A woman settles down on the veranda of a restraunt to eat some lunch and enjoy the sunshine with...

Her dog. She scoops the little old dog out of her purse and holds him in her lap while she reads the menu. A man, a few seats away sitting at a table littered with empty beer bottles, turns around, looks and the woman and her dog and scoffs, "THAT is the ugliest thing I have ever seen." The woman fl...

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