UPJOKE
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When a gangster put out a hit on Daffy Duck, what was their one condition?

Just send me the bill.

I had to stop going to school after being hit on by my teacher.

The bad news is I’m homeschooled so my teacher just followed me.

What did the woman say after she was hit on by the Pillsbury Doughboy?

"No thanks. I'm not into roll play."

Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?

Because she was thicc

Thor gets a hit on his tinder profile...

After a night of wild, unrestrained god-level passion he notices his date looks a little knackered.
Sorry, but I’m Thor. He says
The girl looks up and says, You’re Thor? I’m tho thor I can’t thpeak

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The four horsemen were riding across the world, when Death decided to hit on Pestilence.

He looks over at Pestilence, and with a tip of his cloak, says "M'alady."

My Friend: How did you get hit on the head by a book?

Me: I only have myshelf to blame

I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball..

It was a lovely service..

This lyft driver hit on me at the bar..

He had the worst pick-up lines.

I saw this guy trying to hit on a Cheetah

Just then I thought “He’s trying to pull a fast one”

How do you hit on a Jewish girl?

Tell her that she israeli hot!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy goes to church to hit on fat chicks...

He said he really enjoys Catholic mass.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit on the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife if I caught her fucking The Grateful Dead again, I'd order a mob hit on her.

Now she's sleeping with the Phish.

Some guy hit on me at the keyboard store today

I told him he wasn't my type.

Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions?

Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.

I was hit on by a linguist the other day

She asked me to conjugate, but I had to decline.

I wanted to hit on the girl serving in Starbucks, so I looked at her name badge and said: "That's a beautiful name...

...Trainee"

I hate it when my teachers hit on me.

It sucks being homeschooled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got hit on by a cute girl wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat...

She asked me to fuck her brains out but apparently someone beat me to it.

What happened to the tree when the lumber jack hit on it?

It got all sappy

So a deaf girl hit on me today...

It was a sign

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

A guy tries to commit suicide infront of a train.

News reporters descend on the village to see the destruction caused by a train that went off tracks. Train is found several farms away from the tracks.

100s injured. Many deaths. Farms and livestock obliterated.

News reporters get ahold of the train driver. He is asked about what happ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check ...

There a 502 bricks in a plane, one falls out, how many bricks are left?

501

Hoe do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in, shut the door

How do put a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door

The lion king invites all the animals to a party, but ones missi...

Would you like to hear a Welsh joke?

What’s the difference between a sheep and a piñata?
Your only supposed to hit on piñatas and not sheep.

Clubbing

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was the club last night?" the bartender asks. "Horrible, there wasn't a single girl in the place," the guy replies. "So what did you do?" the bartender asks. "Oh, I hit on a married one," the guy replies.

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