By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

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Why do some men call breasts headlights?

Because when they see them they brighten up their day.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

Husband Wife and Audi A8

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.

Inspector: What is her Height?

Husband: I never checked

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not Slim, can be healthy.

Inspector: Color of her eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Inspector...

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

Have you heard about the new law that has passed?

They passed a law saying you have to have your headlights on when it’s raining in Denmark.

Problem is, when I get in the car, how am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Denmark?

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

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Two drunks are talking in a bar..

Man 1: "No matter what I do, my wife always seems to know when I get home. I'll have the cab turn his headlights off before I get home and park on the street, I take my shoes off before I get inside, don't turn on any lights, I change for bed in the kitchen then creep upstairs and she's ALWAYS waiti...

Why did the car have bags under its headlights?

It was tired

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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

Johnny's dad wanted Johnny to take a shower

Johnny's dad told Johnny to take a shower. "I'm scared, can I take a shower with you?" Johnny said. "No, son, that would be weird," his father replied. "Pleeeasee?" he cried. "Okay, okay, but just don't look down.."

Johnny, being the curious boy he was, looked down. "Dad, what's that?" he ask...

I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your children live here"

...so I turned off my headlights and pulled a stealthy u-turn right the hell out of there.

I ran into an old friend the other evening.

Should have had the headlights fixed.

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

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A blonde and a trucker get into an accident on the highway

A blonde is taking her new sports car out for a drive on the highway. She cuts off a trucker and causes him to almost crash. The trucker angrily yells at her and motions for her to pull over.

They both pull over and get out of their vehicles. The truck driver takes a piece of chalk and draws...

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Two nuns are driving down a dark, winding road in rural Romania. . .

when they turn a corner to see a vampire hovering over what appears to be a body in the middle of the road. It looks up and hisses as the headlights illuminate blood-covered fangs.

Sister Mary looks at Sister Elizabeth and says, "What should I do?"

Sister Elizabeth answers, "Show him y...

The man who invented cats’ eyes...

The man who invented cats’ eyes to make the roads safer at night got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights.

If the cat had been going the other way, he would’ve invented the pencil sharpener.

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A dirty joke my dad told me

There was a little boy named Timmy. He was too young to shower by himself so he had to shower with his Mom.

One day he was showering with his mom as usual. He noticed her boobs and realized he didn't know what they were called.

"Mommy," he asked

"What are those?" he finished, p...

Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."

A man stumbles out of the bar...

A near by cop patiently waits and watches as the man fumbles in his pockets and drops his keys. The man proceeds to spend 5 minutes trying to unlock the door, another 10 turning on and off the headlights, a few more turning the window wipers on and off. About an hour passes and the lot empties. When...

An old couple celebrate their 50th anniversary at a restaurant...

...that they used to regularly go on dates to. It was a particularly fancy establishment and a few drinks into their visit, the elderly husband stood from his seat, looks around and asks his wife, "Do you think we should go behind this place and relive our first time here, like against the fences?"<...

A kid and his mom are home during the summer

The boy asks his mom if he can go the neighbors house to play and she says yes. Thinking she has some time, the mom gets comfortable and starts walking around the house topless. The little boy comes home shortly after and see his mom topless.

"What are those?" He asks.
"These are my headl...

Olie walks into the diner and sits down next to Sven at the counter, a huge grin on his face...

Sven says, "Hey, Olie! Whatcha grinnin' about?"

Olie says, "I had a very nice date with Leena last night."

"Oh? Do tell!"

"Well, she picked me up in that new pick-up of hers and we went for a drive through the woods. After a spell, she pulled off the main road down this little p...

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe

.. and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
tires, a pair of headlights...

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The Haunted Car

The hour is late, the streetlights have gone out, and it isn't the safest part of town on the best of nights. Jim the hitchhiker wants nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights appears through the misty gloom, and begin approaching him, silently...

I remember how my uncle died..

Driving an 18 wheeler rig down a long, icy road in the pitch black with no working headlights. He swerved and suddenly BAM!

Cancer.

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Dishes

Wanting a more adventurous life, Frank decides to buy a Harley Davidson. So he goes to a local Harley dealer to have him informed about the different types.

When he get's to the dealer he immediately spots a beautiful Fat Boy with everything he could ever hoped for, beautiful chrome tailpipes...

Repost of true comment from r/AskReddit

About 8 years old...
My next door neighbour, Glen Hamilton, and I are playing in the street, and turned off the water to the only Asian house in the street. Don't know if it was 'cause we were racists, or it was just easiest to do, or what...
Anyway, the owner caught us, and took us inside wit...

The man and his new car.

A man is driving his new car home. He is spotted by a police officer who thought that the car was stolen. He pulls the man over. He draws a circle in the ground with a piece of chalk and tells the man to stand in that circle until he was told to come out. The cop smashes the windscreen and turns aro...

Truck Driver school

The Navy anchor joke reminded me of this one.

On the last day of truck driving school Charlie is taking his test, and the examiner is asking him all kinds of questions. The examiner asks "What would you do if your headlights went out?" and Charlie says "I'd have old Joe, my co-driver, shine...

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New-age alcohol test

A driver gets stopped by a cop.

Cop: "I'm gonna have to give you an alcohol test, but I forgot to bring the piss testers, so we'll just try something different."

Driver: "Fine by me."

Cop: "Imagine you're driving at night and you're seeing one headlight coming your way. What is ...

Henry ford meets god

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the Assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and sa...

One for the team

An officer is parked across from a crowded bar at 3am and sees a man stumble out of the door. The man weaves around the lot looking for his car. He fumbles with his keys, dropping them and trying to put them in the wrong car several times. Finally he finds his car, sits a few minutes, then drives...

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