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Craigslist Jokes

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a desperate woman puts an ad on craigslist.

she writes: "all i want is a man who won't hit me, won't abandon me, and has a large penis. if these conditions apply to you here's my address"

a few days later she hears a loud knock on the door

man: hello i saw your personal ad and i think we're perfect for each other, as you can see...

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I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist…

That’s the last time my neighbor is going to wake me up on a Saturday morning!

Does Craigslist have friends for sale?

Asking for a friend

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I saw a post on Craigslist that said: Radio for sale, $1. Volume knob stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down!

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A woman put an ad in on Craigslist

"Want: a man who won't run around on me, a man who won't abuse me, and a man who is great in bed. Please apply in person."

She submitted it and waited a few weeks, but no one came to apply.

Finally, the door bell ran one morning. She went to answer the doorbell and there was a man in a...

A man was browsing Craigslist one day...

...when he comes across this insane deal. A good-as-new Porsche, for 20 bucks. "It's a prank," he thinks. "Like that Hooters girl and the Toyota/'toy Yoda' thing." Still, he's not really in need of $20, so he decides to be a good sport and humor the seller.

He drives out to the address in the...

I posted my bike for sale on Craigslist the other day for $50.

Guy messaged me and asked me what’s the lowest you’ll go on it?

2mph, anything less and you’ll tip over!

Craigslist

A man placed an ad on his local craigslist: "Wife wanted".

Next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

What was the triceratops looking for on Craigslist?

A tricerabottom.

I just bought a used time machine on craigslist.

They sure don't make them like they're going to anymore.

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A man offers $200 for sex on Craigslist.

A financially struggling woman responds and accepts the arrangement. However, after the act is completed, the man refuses to pay her the full amount and only gives her $100. She threatens to sue him in small claims but the man laughs at her and leaves.

A few weeks later, he's summoned to co...

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Bored from the quarantine I started browsing Craigslist

I found a radio on sale for 99¢, the only catch was that the volume knob was stuck on the highest level.

I thought to myself “can’t turn that down!”

When I put up my artificial Christmas tree every year I hate bending all the branches back in to shape. This year I advertised on Craigslist for a "fluffer."

Boy, did I get a lot of weird responses.

A man was selling the bumper of a pick-up on Craigslist...

A potential buyer calls and asks where it came from. The man replies, "Let's just say it fell off a truck."

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Craigslist Personals and Backpage are gone.

Congressional Cockblock

I found a cheap prosthetic arm on Craigslist

Secondhand

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A woman on Craigslist said she wanted a man who prematurely ejaculates.

I came as quick as I could.

The police station installed "Safe Spots" for Craigslist sales...

Which is great because I always met in a park under a tree but it always seemed so shady.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

Praise the lord!!!

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse’s owner said “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘praise the Lord’ to make him go, and ‘amen’ to make him stop.”
Bill got on the horse and s...

I ordered a chicken and an egg off Craigslist

The chicken was dead and the egg was cracked

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Looking for new roommates on Craigslist...

...is it too anal to ask whether or not they're into it?

Why couldn't Pinocchio get a date on craigslist

because everyone wanted "no strings attatched"

The Christian Horse (long)

A man who owned a farm was looking to buy a horse. Wanting to get one for relatively cheap, the man began looking on Craigslist, and soon found a really inexpensive horse only a few miles away from him.

When he arrived, he was astonished by the horse. It looked noble and strong, like out of ...

I found a very lucrative deal on the firearms section on Craigslist.

A French MAS36 rifle. Never fired, dropped once.

Gustavo was a mad scientist

Gustavo, called “Gus” by his friends and nemeses, was a mad scientist with very peculiar tastes. In particular, he was fond of the flavor of human flesh.

However, he was an ethical mad scientist, so he got his meat via cloning willing subjects.

Over time the number of subjects went dow...

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I was so pissed off when I had to buy a $400 plane ticket for my child.

The craigslist ad said the price included postage.

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So I decided to order a hooker.

I browsed through Craigslist and found the perfect one. An African American BBW named Ebony.

She arrived at my house just after 8pm, I invited her in.

"Where do you want me, Sugar?" She asked.

"Ok, please get undressed, sit over there on the carpet in the corner, and open your l...

A horse learns the guitar

So there once was a horse that wanted to learn how to play the guitar. So he goes around looking for someone to teach him, and soon he finds someone to teach him. After a white, the horse get REALLY good at playing the guitar so he tells his friend Duck about how he learned the guitar.

So the...

New England Patriots to bring OJ Simpson on staff...

In an interview, Simpson stated he got the job after responding to a Craigslist ad. He added, "They were looking for a defensive coordinator, and I just though to myself... nobody has more success at building a strong defense than I do."

Have fun reading. This one's a long one.

There's this guy in Florida, and he finds out that his uncle died. He inherits a zoo and he gets money to run it. So he goes to the zoo and it's so dilapidated. So he has a month to renovate, and he gets a big aviary, a big lion cage, and an aquarium. He uses all of his money on that stuff. It's a w...

I needed some paddles for my canoe

So I found someone selling some on Craigslist. I went over, but his directions were all screwed up and there wasn't any cell coverage so it took me three hours to find the place. And then when I got there he tried to charge me four times what he'd posted on the site! So I argued with him for wha...

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A CIA superspy assasin retires...

... So the agency posts an ad on Craigslist to fill the position. After a while, the field is narrowed down to just three well qualified applicants. They're flown to Langley to interview.

The first candidate is Major Ron L Lubbold: Army Ranger, a 15 year veteran of 6 combat deployments and ov...

The $50 Cruise

A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist. Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad. He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind.



He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean....

Quasimodo's had it.

Sixty years climbing the steps. Sixty years ringing the bell. He's ready to retire, get a little house in the country for him and the little lady. Puts an ad on Craigslist "Bell ringer wanted. Inquire Quasimodo, Notre Dame."

Next day, there's a knock at the door. Quasi opens it, looks ou...

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