What did one funeral attendee say to the other?

Good mourning

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The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, "Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet...

"As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing.

"One in six of them likes it."

My memorial service for all the trees burnt down in the Amazon Rainforest didn't have any female attendees

It was full of guys mourning wood.

Redditor r/jokes repost convention

So you may not have heard, but there was a convention for r/jokes reposters recently. In advance of the convention, to save time, the attendees developed a numbered list of oft-repeated jokes, from 1-500. Although I am a relative noob, a friend invited me as a guest. Everyone seemed to be enjoyin...

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

2 masochists went to a BDSM convention

The convention was doing a special showcase of some dominatrixes who were considered the best at their job, they were all on separate booths where they would give out free samples and show off their techniques.

On the first day the more experienced masochist wanted to go to the woman with th...

I volunteer in a support group for people inflicted with ennui. I mainly ensure that there are enough seats for the attendees.

Basically, I'm the chairman for the bored.

An Irish priest has a rat problem...

He tries everything to get rid of them. Traps, poison, setting cats loose in his church. Nothing works, and they are starting to deter some of his regular attendees because they see the rats during communion.


One day a Bishop is visiting and the priest tells him his woes.


"Hav...

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It was the first session of a packed literary festival.

As was his wont, one particular writer hogged the mic and was refusing to let go.

A seasoned festival-attendee, who had borne the torture of said writer nobly over several festivals, had come prepared this time: with a dozen rotten eggs.

When the writer took a deep breath to launch int...

A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet

Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"

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The Unlucky Wife

A very religious 30 year-old Catholic virgin who profusely protested using birth control, wanted a large family. She finally finds the perfect man who accepts and whole-heartedly agrees with her religious values. They marry 3 months later and are overjoyed to be blessed with healthy triplets. Sad...

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A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

This year’s Tease & Denial Convention will be held virtually

Attendees will be told not to come

Oldie

The UN organised a 30 minutes meeting where they asked one question to all attendees:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

It was a huge failure.

The Africans didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern...

Stalin is giving a speech.

And someone sneezes.

Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: First row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: Second row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Attendee, crying: "I SNEEZED!"
Stalin: Bless you!

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The Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argue...

A man goes to the comedian's banquet . . .

A man goes to the local comedian's annual banquet with a friend who is a professional comic. The dinner begins and pretty soon a man rises to his feet, gets everyone's attention and says "32."
The room erupts in laughter and the man sits back down. A while later, another comic rises at anothe...

[Long] A rodeo clown and his brother are working a show.

It's the little brother's first time working the rodeo and is quite nervous. Once it's his turn to round the bull up back to the pen for the next bull ride, he slips while giving chase; allowing the bull to maul him brutally in front of the attendees.

The older rodeo clown jumps the barricade...

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Guide to pooping at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2013 Survival Guide for taking a du...

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill?

A miracle.

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A man drives his Lada to a mechanic and asks, "Can I have a spare hubcap for my Lada?" The mechanic says, "Sounds like a fair trade."

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A Russian man enters a car raffle. Dropping the tic...

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A man is out tilling his field behind his mule...

It’s a very hot day and the man is toiling away, sweating as he follows his mule controlling the plow up and down his field. His wife comes out to talk and says “When you get done with this field and return home tonight don’t forget about the leak under the kitchen sink, the window in the bathroom i...

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The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab

Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.

When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will co...

The world's philosophers and theologians have gathered for a summit...

...held, dramatically enough, on the summit of an actual mountain. Everyone was having a great time, mingling together, discussing the great philosophical questions of the day.

Rumors started to swirl around about one particular holy man who had joined the day's festivities. This particularly...

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True Story, conference speakers tale.

3 day conference wednesday to friday, 9-6pm, 60 speakers, several hundred in attendance. Our guy draws the 5pm friday slot.
Walks in 5 mins before as the crowd is emptying out from the previous talk. Starts setting up the computer, looks up, just one guy left sitting in the front, rest of the ha...

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