Calories Jokes - 64 Hilarious Calories Jokes

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How many calories does poop have?

A shitload

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!

Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

I am on a strict diet of 1200 calories per day

Luckily, the doctor didn't say anything about the nights.

I've been counting calories.

I'm trying to beat my high score.

I just burned 81,500 calories

Now to hide the remains and the flamethrower

Just burnt 2,000 calories...

That'll be the last time I bake a pizza while I'm asleep!

1400 calories a day?

Pfft, piece of cake.

I like my uterus how I like my calories…

empty.

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They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

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You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation...

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

You burn 26 calories a minute kissing.

That's probably why I'm overweight.

How many calories are in a communion bread?

Nun!

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It's said that you can burn up to a 150 calories during sex.

That's a very impressive amount to burn in 2 seconds.

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

The thing with people who are bad at counting calories..

..is that they have the figures to prove it

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How many calories are in eating pussy?

It depends which way she wipes.

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What's the difference between a calorie and a dick?

Your mom can tell you how many calories she eats per day.

My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

What’s the best way to burn 1,000 calories?

Leave the pizza in the oven.

I just burnt 400 calories.

I left the popcorn in the microwave for too long.

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Sex burns 3.6 calories a minute.

On average, I burn 1.8 calories everytime I have sex

My doctor told me to reduce my calories.

So I went home, raided the cupboards, and ate half of eight muffins.

The next time I saw him, he looked me up and down, and said, "Have you been reducing your calories?"

I said, "Yes. Just the other day I ate half of eight muffins."

"What! You haven't lis...

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Lady: How many calories are there is Semen?

Doctor: Trust me.

If you swallow he won't give a fuck how fat you are.

How does a tech savvy cannibal count his calories?

In kill-o-bites.

How do you burn a lot of calories quickly?

Set a fat kid on fire

Calories are just like the Viet Cong

Even if you burn them, they come back

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Sex burns 300 calories an hour.

After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.

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Bondage sex can burn 200 calories an hour.

Oh boy, can it burn.

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My wife and I just discovered an easy way to burn 2000 calories an hour during sex

Note to self: Leave bedroom door open so we can hear the oven timer next time.

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Did you know peanut butter has 124 calories per spoonful?

That's nuts

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

It also gets you removed from your local gym.

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As a sex education teacher, I know that the semen in the average male ejaculation has about 20 calories.

But I tell my daughter that there are 350 calories in it.

I track my calories religiously every day.

First they are on my plate and then I put them in my mouth

I wonder how many calories women burn by...

... jumping to conclusions.

Does the body burn fewer calories in a day in amputees?

Yes. By an arm and a leg.

How to burn 3500 calories ( a pound of fat) in your sleep!

Sleep for 55 hours.

What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used?

Weird flax but 0k

“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“

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How many calories does the average ejaculated semen has?

Apparently not enough to keep my baby alive

How do you burn a lot of calories at once?

Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match

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Did you hear about the new device that counts how many calories you burn during sex?

It's called the ClitBit.

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Run.

Scientists say that making love use's the same amount of calories as running a mile, I think that is bullshit, who the fuck can run a mile in fifteen seconds.?

3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

A Russian, British, and American soldier are talking...

...about rations.

The Russian says, "Glorious motherland send her best soldiers 2,000 calories a day! Is feast for grateful soldiers!"

The Brit chuckles and says "Well old chap, the dear Queen does send her finest fighting men 3,000 calories a day, so I'm quite afraid we have you beat...

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My favourite Russian joke.

3 soldiers are all sitting around bragging about their armies. A Russian, an Israeli and an American.

The Russian boasts, "In our army we get 500 calories of field ration per day."

The Israeli says, "We get 1000 calories a day for field ration."

The American says, "Well we get a...

A Chinese and a USA general debate on who's army is better taken care of..

"Our army is well fed. They're getting 1000 calories in meals every day!", says the Chinese general.

The USA general thinks for a second and replies: "Our soldiers receive over 4000 calories daily!"

"That's impossible," the Chinese general scoffs, "Who could possibly eat half a...

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

What’s the difference between an Israelite and an Israeli?

About thirty calories.

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calor...

The Russian and American generals are talking about their troops..(Old Joke)

The Russian general says, "we feed our troops 1,500 calories a day." The American general says "that's nothing. We feed our troops 5,000 calories a day, at least." "Impossible!" says the Russian general. "No man can eat an entire sack of potatoes in 24 hours."

What's a light year?

Same thing as a regular year, just with less calories.

“Why shouldn’t I eat cinderblocks, Doc?”

“Because they’re just empty calories”

A Soviet Corporal meets an American Corporal.

The American Corporal says,, American troops eat over 2000 calories every day!"
The Soviet Corporal takes out a calculator and after a while he responds:
,, That's impossible! No one can consume 25 pounds of potatoes daily!"

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I just masturbated while wearing my new Apple Watch.

Apparently I burned as many calories as if I walked 8 steps.

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Doctor walks into a restaurant to try some new dishes

"Hello, what do you like to have today?" Asked the waitress

"Just give anything" said the doctor.

The waitress brings out a double cheese burger with fries.

The doctor took a bite and dislikes it.

"The burger is full of grease, too much fat and fries are just extra carbs...

At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."

A Soviet general, upon hearing ...

What do Bulimia and Coke Zero have in common?

Twice the taste, zero calories.

Two girls are in a bar having a chat...

The first says to her friend, "I am going to ask my doctor how many calories there are in sperm". To which the friend replies "If you're swallowing that much nobody's going to care if you're a little bit chubby!"

Obesity is no laughing matter.

Because laughing burns calories.

An American and a Soviet general are at the UN and are bragging about who has the best soldiers.

The American says: "We train our men hard; our boys march 100 miles a day in basic training". The Russian says "Da, so what? Our soldiers march 200 miles a day and double on weekends".

The American retorts "Well... when our GIs march they do it carrying 90lb packs without so much as a complai...

What an interesting discussion to start

Hey guys, I wanted to ask if you eat the middle of the donut. I've heard that it has a lot of calories so I don't eat it, I don't throw it out either it just dissapears.

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