Hooker Jokes - 109 Hilarious Hooker Jokes

Golf

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in ...

: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”

: “You’re a man of class :)”

Man: “Class my , I want it five times on grass”

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What's the difference between having with a , your girlfriend and your wife?

says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

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I went to a , and she kept telling me "small no problem, small no problem"

I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no at all

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A young lady becomes a , and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a . He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a . He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

Irish

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all o...

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Whats the difference between a politician and a ?

A will stop you once you run out of money.

Edit: As somebody observed below, this joke is as old as the sun, yet never gets old.

Considering all the comments, it's a fair conclusion that hookers would make honest politicians, if there is such a thing.

What do you call a 25 cent ?

A quarter pounder.

I was lost in the woods and I found a dead ..

At that moment I knew I'd been walking in circles.

My wife is a ?

My wife woke me this morning after being out all night I asked her where she was and she told me that because we were going through some money problems she decided that she was going to go on the game and after a lot of arguing I asked how much money she made and she said 4 thousand 6 hundred 40 eur...

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

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Whats the difference between a politician and a ?

A will stop you once you run out of money.

What's the difference between an actress and a .

That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

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A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the , "How much do you charge?" replies, "It starts at $500 for a ." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a ! Jesus Christ! No i...

What goes down longer than a dirty street ?

Reddit's servers.

What's the difference between an Immortal Goddess and a ?

The letter 't'

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the became a daily occurrence. She’d...

How does a castle describe her job?

I work most knights

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A man goes with a …

“How much is it to do it at my place?” “It’s 500, but you come to my place instead.”

The man agrees. When they arrive, the shows him the entire apartment complex and tells him: “See all these apartments? I bought them with this mouth!”

The man is amazed, and as they pass by to...

I've heard that hookers don't fart.

They do little prosti-toots.

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New in town.

Bill and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis. Bill suggested Julie to become a .

Julie was not sure how to start that, so Bill said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".
...

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Saw a on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

EDIT: Holy this blew up (no pun intended). Front page! RIP to my inbox.

Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold!

My city's hookers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters.

They're calling it pound-for-pound!

if a has a small chest,

does that mean she charges a flat rate?

There was a young from Crewe

There was a young from Crewe
Who said as the bishop withdrew
"The vicar is quicker,
and slicker and thicker
And three inches longer than you".

I thank you.

Man hires a to try 69 for the first time

A man hires a and they go back to his hotel.

Man: "I have never had a 69 before".

: "okay lets try that."

They get into position and she farts.

: "o i'm sorry, i don't know whats gotten into me."

she goes into the bathroom to freshen up. she...

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I asked a for a

She said it would cost $50

I said I only have have $5 what can I get for that?

She said a bus pass

I said what am I supposed to do with a bus pass?

She said I don't know but you're not getting off here

A goes to the doctor

She tells the doctor she feels nauseous, after few tests the doctor comes back to tell her that she's pregnant

"Congratulations, so do you know who's the father?"

"If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one caused the fart?"

A Senator spent all night with a .

As he was leaving, the Senator put $2000 on her bedside table.

She said, “Thanks, but I only charge $200.”

“$200 for the whole night? How can you make a living on that?”

“Oh, don’t worry,” she purred. “I do a little blackmail, too.”

Met a who said she'd do anything for $5

So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week

What's the best part about having a die on you?

The second hour is free.

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A man found his all red and swollen after banging a .

In a panick he rushed to his family doctor to get it checked. The doc told him there was no cure and the only way was to have it amputated.

Refusing to accept his fate, he stomped out of the clinic and went to the best urologist in his country. But even there he was told that there was no cur...

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What do a bungee jumper and have in common?

They are fast, cheap and if the rubber snaps your fucked.

What do you call a with no legs?

A lazy Susan.

What's a hookers spirit animal?

Crabs

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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not three because my basement is still dark.

Mariachi bands are like hookers.

Bottom line, you're really paying for them to just go away

What do you call a 's fart?

A prostitoot

What do you call a wearing knee pads.

Prepared.

Whats the difference between an onion and a ?

I dont cry when I cut up a

A Nun and

What is the difference between a nun in church and a in the bath?

The nun has a soul full of hope.

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My wife and the ...

My wife of 5 years had put on just a little bit of weight recently and I wanted to encourage her to become fitter. I took up jogging hoping she’d join me on my runs but she didn’t take to it immediately. Nevertheless, I continued doing it every evening and like clockwork,I would run past this extrem...

A man brings a up to his room.

Man: How much will this cost me.
: $400
Man: OK. Hands her the money.

The man gets on the bed and starts jacking off.
looks at him.

: What the hell are you doing?
Man: For $400 you think I'm going to give you t...

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a ?

A can wash her crack and use it again.

What's the difference between a 20 year old and a 70 year old ?

One uses Vaseline, the other Poligrip.

What do a giant squid and a paid have in common

They both eat seamen

What did the alligator get after sleeping with a

Gatoraids

A guy goes to a and asks "What will you do for fifty bucks?"

She replies "Anything."
"Anything?"
"An-y-thing."
"Great" he says. "Here's fifty bucks. Paint my house."

How many people does an Amish do?

Ten Mennonite

what's the difference between my hand and a ?

A doesn't write bad jokes

How do you compliment a ?

Thank you for your cervix.

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What's the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

What's the difference between a highly paid lawyer doing meth in a penthouse and a cheap doing meth in a motel?

About 6 months.

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I went to see a ...

I asked a : i only have have $0.25 what can I get?

She told me to off and go fist myself.

15 minutes later i went back to the .

She said wtf you again? what do you want this time?

I said well duh, i came to pay the 25¢

Last night I had a date with a dyslexic ...

She offered to cook my socks for $50.

Who is the botanist’s favorite Irish ?

Angie O’Sperm!

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What is the differences in what a mistress, a , and a housewife think about during ?

The whole time, the mistress is thinking, ”I wish this would last forever!”

The is thinking, “Ten more minutes and this will all be over.”

And the housewife is thinking, “Beige. I think I’ll paint the kitchen beige.”

joke #1

So a man get $5 .

The next day he realizes he has crabs ..

furious, the man goes back to the and tells her " hey you gave me crabs wtf"

The replies ...." It was $5 what u expect? Lobsters? .....

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A walked up to me....

And said "I'll your for $20."

I said "Let me see the $20 first."

A rings a doorbell and asks for John

The man walks away momentarily, comes back and hands the some candy.

The looks confused and says what's this for?

The man says I don't have enough money for a trick.

Why do you hire a psychic ?

So you can have your mind blown.

and the Cab Driver

A hails a cab in NYC.

The cabbie says "where to mam"?

The says "going home" gives him the address and they speed off.

After fighting through traffic for an hour, he finally gets her home; turns to her

and says "that'll be $80 please".

The say...

What do a and a coal miner have in common?

They both work the shafts for pay.

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in a cab...

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a and I charge $20 for ." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

A...

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Another from Crewe limerick

There was a young from Crewe
Who filled her with glue
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in -
they can pay to get out again too".

I'm here all week.

What’s the difference between a and Jesus?

The look on their face when you’re nailing them.

Why do hookers like Christmas morning?

Because that's when Santa finally comes.

What do you call an Italian ?

A PASTA-tute!

I am so sorry.

What did the leper say to the ?

Keep the tip.

What did Donald Trump say to the Russian ?

You’re an 8

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Transvestite (Very )

A transvestite is getting ready for his night out. He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out, "How much for ?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month,...

Two potatoes are sitting in a field. Which one is the ?

It's the one with the stamp that says "Idaho."

What are Christian hookers good at?

Missionary work.

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So I picked up a last week

I was playing with her and she said "Hey! Take your ring off" and I said "That's not my ring it's my watch".

Hookers were prepared for the pandemic

because they’ve always offered curbside pickup.

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Parrot

An old John likes to buy a on payday. Every second Thursday he walks down to the strip and picks one up and then he pops into the pet store to rent a female parrot for his parrot so they can both have some fun. One Thursday the pet store didn’t have any parrots left, but this old John didn’t ...

What do you call a with a runny nose?

Full.

What's something you can say to a and a vampire?

Why didn't Gandalf bring hookers to Bilbo's birthday party?

Because he is not a conjurer of cheap tricks.

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

What do a and a furniture salesman have in common?

They’ll both take $200 off your dresser.

I heard hookers are now offering the "Romney" for $1,000.

It includes every position.

Why do hookers make great dentists?

They’re pros at drilling, filling and billing.

A guy picks up a

She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.”

The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.

“Paint…my….house.”

I read in the paper about a starting her own business....

They said that she had a good soft-opening.

Why was the lawyer so effective as a ?

She mastered the art of getting her clients off on technicalities.

I paid a $400 to get “the girlfriend experience”.

We just argued for an hour over Roe v Wade

What do a and Little Caesars have in common?

They're Hot and Ready.

Did you hear about the over confident ?

She rested on her orals.

What’s something both hookers and Santa can say during the holidays?

It’s my busy season.

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Two hookers are standing on a corner,

#1: “You ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

#2: “No but I’ve been swung around by the !”

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3 hookers are at a bar

They are each taking shots until one talks about how she can take the biggest . She says "I can by far take the largest , I can fit a whole remote in my vag"

The second says "Thats nothing I can fit a whole wine bottle in my vag and not even feel it"

The third si...

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a young man walking down the street gets approached by a ....

She asked him...

"Want to have a good time?"...

"Sure"... he says....

They head off to the nearest hotel...

She takes off her clothes...all the while he's staring at her.....
The says...."is this the first time you've seen a since you crawled out of o...

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I asked a if she’d give me free .

She said “I don’t give a .”

Whats the one thing thats good for a comedian’s business but bad for a hookers?

The clap

What's the difference between your job and a dead ?

Your job still .

Hookers on Naval Subs

Substitutes.

Blind hookers

You gotta hand it to em

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An old man hires a .

That will be 100 dollars an hour she said, fine, replies the old guy.
They went to a motel and he grabs her and starts her real hard for 10 minutes.
When he was done he told the girl: Once is an hour of your service you have to help me for a second round, fine she said, what do I have ...

What do you call a who teaches other hookers?

A prostitutor.

What do you call a laying down?

Whorizontal.

Thanks, I'll show myself out.

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A married guy is complaining to his friend:

“I’ve been having with my wife lately, but she’s been making me pay for it like a !”

“How much is she charging you?”

“$50 each time!”

“Damn, that’s a great deal! She’s been charging me $200!!”

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a ?

A two ton pickup

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How does a Thai run away

With her tail between her legs

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

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A 21-year-old Texan was still a virgin, so he travelled to a brothel in Dallas to see what he’d been missing.

He got the address of a reputable place and in no time at all he was in bed with an attractive . She sensed he was inexperienced, so she took his hand and placed it on her money maker. “Is that what you’re looking for?” He said “I don’t know ma’am. I’m a stranger in these parts.”

$5

A man goes to see a 5 dollar , he does his business and the goes home. The next day he was furious, he got crabs from the . He decides to go back to the and complain.

Man: This is outrageous I pay you and I get crabs!!!

: Well what did you expect for 5 dollars?...

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

Something ain't right with society when schoolgirls are dressing like hookers....

.....and hookers are dressing like schoolgirls !!

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