Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”

Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)”


Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”

Golf Hooker

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in ...

What do you call a 25 cent hooker?

A quarter pounder.

Two potatoes stand on the street corner. How do you tell which one's the hooker?

It's the one with the sticker that says Idaho!

My grandfathers favorite joke: what’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The drug dealer can’t wash the crack and resell it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to France for a golf tournament, but hires a hooker for the night before

The woman gets there and pretty soon they start doing their thing. While they're having sex, the hooker keeps saying a phrase over and over again, but the man can't understand what she's saying because he doesn't know much French. The man assumes that she's saying something that would indicate that ...

What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them

What's a hookers spirit animal?

Crabs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?

The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a bungee cord and a hooker have in common?

They're cheap and fast, but if the rubber breaks you're fucked.

What do you call a snowman hooker?

A FROST-titute.

NSFW. What do you call a hooker that likes to take it in the rear

NSFW

A back ho

(Fogive me, 1st post but my dad told me this one today.)

There was a young hooker from Crewe

There was a young hooker from Crewe
Who said as the bishop withdrew
"The vicar is quicker,
and slicker and thicker
And three inches longer than you".

I thank you.

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50

Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.

A hooker said that she would do anything if I offered her $100…

Guess who’s getting his house repainted for $100?

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

He’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”


She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”


She...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I picked up a hooker last week

I was playing with her pussy and she said "Hey! Take your ring off" and I said "That's not my ring it's my watch".

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

Never trust a cheap hooker.

She'll turn on a dime.

There's a pilot for a new reality show based on hookers in a brothel.

It's call "Deadliest Snatch".

What does a golf course have in common with half a dozen hookers?

18 holes.

Hookers dont fart

They let out little prosti-toots

Did you hear about the hooker who got a colostomy?

Now she's getting action on the side!

Why won't a pimp let his hookers use gas station bathrooms?

Because of the "no merchandise beyond this point" sign.

Man hires a hooker to try 69 for the first time

A man hires a hooker and they go back to his hotel.

Man: "I have never had a 69 before".

Hooker: "okay lets try that."

They get into position and she farts.

Hooker: "o i'm sorry, i don't know whats gotten into me."

she goes into the bathroom to freshen up. she...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, I know it’s more than 7 because my basement is still dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hookers are standing on a corner,

Hooker#1: “You ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

Hooker#2: “No but I’ve been swung around by the tits!”

What do you call a hookers fart?

A prosti-tooooot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.

He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minu...

Why didn't Gandalf bring hookers to Bilbo's birthday party?

Because he is not a conjurer of cheap tricks.

Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?

A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Parrot hooker NSFW

An old John likes to buy a hooker on payday. Every second Thursday he walks down to the strip and picks one up and then he pops into the pet store to rent a female parrot for his parrot so they can both have some fun. One Thursday the pet store didn’t have any parrots left, but this old John didn’t ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided t...

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A hooker will quit screwing you when you die.

What's the difference between a 20 year old hooker and a 70 year old hooker?

One uses Vaseline, the other Poligrip.

What’s a 69?

A young lad doesn’t know what a 69 is, and approaches a hooker and asks what a 69 is.

“C’mon kid, I’ll show you”.
They proceed to her place, where they get undressed.

“Lie on the bed, and I’ll sit on your face “.
As she jumps on, she lets out a great big dirty stinking fart, that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another hooker from Crewe limerick

There was a young hooker from Crewe
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in -
they can pay to get out again too".

I'm here all week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are having money trouble and decide the wife needs to work the streets as a hooker.

Two days later she comes back with $225.25. The husband says "that's good, but what cheap bastard gave you 25 cents?" The wife responds "all of them"

What's the difference between a dead hooker and a Tesla?

Ain't no Tesla in my garage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call people who have trade jobs can't afford to hire individual hookers?

A jackoff all trades.

A guy pulls over for a hooker on the side of the street.

He rolls down the window and asks “How much?”

She says “$5.00”

He motions for her to get in the car.

They do their business and he drops her off.

The morning after, he calls her and says “Hey, we have a problem - I think you gave me crabs.”

She says “Well, what d...

Have you heard the one about blind hookers?

You've really got to hand it to them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You don’t pay a hooker for sex.

You pay them to leave afterwards!

What did the alligator get after sleeping with a hooker

Gatoraids

What do you call a hooker that asks for payment in Italian food?

A pasta-tute.

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”

Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

Truck stops on the street and hooker approaches the driver

\- "What do you do for $50?" asks he.

\- "Anything you want, honey."

\- "Good! Then get the gloves and help me unload the truck."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three hookers were sitting at a bar.

The first one said: "I can get three fingers up my fanny." And proceedes to demonstrate this to the other two. The second one laughed and said " That's nothing. I can get a whole fist up mine." And she duly obliged to show the other two.

The third one slid down the barstool.

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

What's the difference between a hooker and an actress?

I don't think that's a very good defense mr weinstein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On his 90th birthday his friends chipped in to hire a hooker.

On his 90th birthday his friends chipped in to hire a hooker.

She danced seductively, then sat on his lap.

She whispered in his ear "I'm here to give you super sex!"

The man thought about it and then asked her "what kind of soup?"

You wanna know how I know that good hookers aren't worth the money?

Because I always overcharge clients.

What do you call two nuns and a hooker playing football?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver

What do hookers and criminals have in common

They’ve both been in hand cuffs

My friend shamed me for paying for a hooker...

...I do gotta admit, his mom was expensive.

A man takes a hooker out to dinner.

He gives her his peas.

She gives him herpes..

Hookers on Naval Subs

Substitutes.

What do you call a hooker's kid?

A brothel sprout

Hookers were prepared for the pandemic

because they’ve always offered curbside pickup.

A man gets a hooker and starts going on down on her when he suddenly pulls a small piece of carrot out of his mouth...

...well it's been a while, so undaunted, he continues. After a minute or so, he pulls a small piece of beef out of his mouth. At this point, he has to ask, "Ma'am, are you sick or something?" "No" she replies, "but the guy before you was."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hookers were on a street corner

They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."

The other hooker looked at her and said, "Nah gurl, I just burped.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine realized that he had to give up coke, drinking and fucking dirty hookers every day

During this time of abstinence, his physical health improved a lot. He put on some healthy weight and even some muscles. However, mentally he got really depressed, a total wreck. He was especially sad over his new sex life.

Long story short, now he's back at it again; drinking, taking cocaine...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Transvestite Hooker (Very NSFW)

A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out. He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out, "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month,...

How come we call walkie-talkies "walkie talkies", but we don't call vacuums "pushie suckies"?

Because that title is reserved for wheelchair bound hookers.

George goes to see a hooker. It’s his 50th birthday and although still single, he needs to celerate. [nsfw]

So off he goes to the ladies of pleasure and sees a rather big woman he wants to “go to town with”. In he goes, starts to go down when suddenly he feels something stuck between his teeth. He uncomfortably pauzes and tries to take out what appeared to be a piece of carrot. A bit weirded out because h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(nsfw) Why should you only ever have sex with hookers with one hand?

It's the only sure way not to get the clap.

Why did the john haggle with the hooker?

He just wanted to get the most bang for his buck.

I'm sorry. That's fifteen seconds you'll never get back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Steve Jobs say to the hooker?

Blow Jobs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy buys a $5 hooker.....

They have sex and the next day the guys realizes he has crabs. The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund

The hooker goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"

Why dont hookers do black friday specials?

Because they usually have things half off.

What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers.

What's the difference between an Immortal Goddess and a Hooker?

The letter 't'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me "small penis no problem, small penis no problem"

I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all

What do you call a hooker who just lost her job?

Unemploughed.

What are Christian hookers good at?

Missionary work.

A guy goes to a hooker for the first time

So he doesn't know what to do.
After the woman undresses, she sees the guy laying on the bed, stressed out with his clothes on, so she says

- Let me take off Your pants, and I will suck it

And the guy replies

- My pants are dirty, You can suck my shirt instead

A hooker got arrested by the IRS after some grammatical mistakes made them take a second look at her deductions.

She got done in by a sin tax error.

Sobriety self check

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?



The first shucks between fits....


If you can say that without screwing it up then you're not too drunk to drive.

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers.


Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.


They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.


"What...

How does a hooker make a living?

Incum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jews and hookers

Q: Why do Jewish guys watch porno movies backwards?

A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who had sex with 3.14 hookers?

AIDS. He got AIDS and died.

What, you were expecting a pi joke?

On my cake day??

Cab driver and a Nun.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as ol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

EDIT: Holy crap this blew up (no pun intended). Front page! RIP to my inbox.

Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold!

Know what I call my Latin hooker that’s just better than any other?

Mejor

My wife didn't appreciate my post to r/brosbeingbros about us saving a life while at the beach.

We released a few hookers from fishnets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first hooker...

A few years ago when I first got divorced, I decided to go to Vegas, and wanted to have some fun. I went to a casino, went to the bar, and bought a drink before I did anything when I am approached by a beautiful woman. She asked me if I liked to have fun and I said yes, she then told me she would gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a 29 year old virgin, I hired a hooker today for $300. And have never been happier.

She said she’d do anything.

So guess who just got their college tuition paid

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.