UPJOKE
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Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”

Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)”


Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”

Golf Hooker

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in ...

My grandfathers favorite joke: what’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The drug dealer can’t wash the crack and resell it

Two potatoes stand on the street corner. How do you tell which one's the hooker?

It's the one with the sticker that says Idaho!

What do you call a 25 cent hooker?

A quarter pounder.

Newfie hooker

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the Shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a minute when all of...

What do you call a snowman hooker?

A FROST-titute.

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50

Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.

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Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

What did Donald Trump say to the Russian Hooker?

You’re an 8

A hooker said that she would do anything if I offered her $100…

Guess who’s getting his house repainted for $100?

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a hooker?

A two ton pickup

A hooker starts a job at an Amazon warehouse, and her bosses give her bonus starting pay.

She had previous package handling experience.

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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

He’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”


She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”


She...

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A man goes to France for a golf tournament, but hires a hooker for the night before

The woman gets there and pretty soon they start doing their thing. While they're having sex, the hooker keeps saying a phrase over and over again, but the man can't understand what she's saying because he doesn't know much French. The man assumes that she's saying something that would indicate that ...

There was a young hooker from Crewe

There was a young hooker from Crewe
Who said as the bishop withdrew
"The vicar is quicker,
and slicker and thicker
And three inches longer than you".

I thank you.

What's a hookers spirit animal?

Crabs

A hooker goes to the doctor

She tells the doctor she feels nauseous, after few tests the doctor comes back to tell her that she's pregnant

"Congratulations, so do you know who's the father?"

"If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one caused the fart?"

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A man goes with a hooker…

“How much is it to do it at my place?” “It’s 500, but you come to my place instead.”

The man agrees. When they arrive, the hooker shows him the entire apartment complex and tells him: “See all these apartments? I bought them with this mouth!”

The man is amazed, and as they pass by to...

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?

The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

What’s the difference between an epileptic shell shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?

An epileptic shell shucker, shucks between fits.

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What do a bungee jumper and hooker have in common?

They are fast, cheap and if the rubber snaps your fucked.

My city's hookers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters.

They're calling it pound-for-pound!

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What's the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

What do a giant squid and a paid hooker have in common

They both eat seamen

What do you call hookers in the winter?

Frostitutes

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My wife is furious I hired a hooker to help renovate our kitchen floor.

Apparently her definition of “floor stripper” is different than mine.

What’s something both hookers and Santa can say during the holidays?

It’s my busy season.

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Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.

What's something you can say to a hooker and a vampire?

Suck it

What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip.

Did you hear that a group of hookers decided to make their own basketball team?

They're going to be called the Harlot Globetrotters.

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”

Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

Did you hear about the over confident hooker?

She rested on her orals.

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Friends intervened to get a guy married who was spending way too much time and money on hookers. They set him up with a sweet gal and sure enough love bloomed, bells rang and off they went on their honeymoon.

His buddies jumped on him soon as they got back.
"So how was it? Better than shagging pros right? Come on tell us."
He looked pensive.
"Come on!"
"Well, the sex was great the first night. We pretty much knocked each other out."
"Told ya!"
"But I screwed up. Before nodding off, out ...

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

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So I picked up a hooker last week

I was playing with her pussy and she said "Hey! Take your ring off" and I said "That's not my ring it's my watch".

What do you call a hooker who uses Pepsi for lubrication?

A Pop-tart.

There's a pilot for a new reality show based on hookers in a brothel.

It's call "Deadliest Snatch".

What does a golf course have in common with half a dozen hookers?

18 holes.

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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Clearly more than 2, because my basement is still dark AF

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How does a Thai hooker run away

With her tail between her legs

Man hires a hooker to try 69 for the first time

A man hires a hooker and they go back to his hotel.

Man: "I have never had a 69 before".

Hooker: "okay lets try that."

They get into position and she farts.

Hooker: "o i'm sorry, i don't know whats gotten into me."

she goes into the bathroom to freshen up. she...

Never trust a cheap hooker.

She'll turn on a dime.

What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

Did you hear about the hooker who got a colostomy?

Now she's getting action on the side!

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

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You don’t pay a hooker for sex.

You pay them to leave afterwards!

What did the alligator get after sleeping with a hooker

Gatoraids

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided t...

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A married guy is complaining to his friend:

“I’ve been having sex with my wife lately, but she’s been making me pay for it like a hooker!”

“How much is she charging you?”

“$50 each time!”

“Damn, that’s a great deal! She’s been charging me $200!!”

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A hooker will quit screwing you when you die.

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Two hookers are standing on a corner,

Hooker#1: “You ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

Hooker#2: “No but I’ve been swung around by the tits!”

What's the difference between a 20 year old hooker and a 70 year old hooker?

One uses Vaseline, the other Poligrip.

Hookers dont fart

They let out little prosti-toots

Why didn't Gandalf bring hookers to Bilbo's birthday party?

Because he is not a conjurer of cheap tricks.

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A husband and wife are having money trouble and decide the wife needs to work the streets as a hooker.

Two days later she comes back with $225.25. The husband says "that's good, but what cheap bastard gave you 25 cents?" The wife responds "all of them"

A guy pulls over for a hooker on the side of the street.

He rolls down the window and asks “How much?”

She says “$5.00”

He motions for her to get in the car.

They do their business and he drops her off.

The morning after, he calls her and says “Hey, we have a problem - I think you gave me crabs.”

She says “Well, what d...

Why won't a pimp let his hookers use gas station bathrooms?

Because of the "no merchandise beyond this point" sign.

A man takes a hooker out to dinner.

He gives her his peas.

She gives him herpes..

Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?

A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."

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$10 dollar prostitute

This guys hooks with a $10 prostitute and the next day he starts getting itchy and realizes the hooker gave him an STD....anyway a couple days later he sees her on the corner and yells "BITCH YOU GAVE ME CRABS!..she yells back "WTF WERE YOU EXPECTING FOR TEN DOLLARS? A LOBSTER?"

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Another hooker from Crewe limerick

There was a young hooker from Crewe
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in -
they can pay to get out again too".

I'm here all week.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife...

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.

He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minu...

What's the difference between a dead hooker and a Tesla?

Ain't no Tesla in my garage

What do you call two nuns and a hooker playing football?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver

My friend shamed me for paying for a hooker...

...I do gotta admit, his mom was expensive.

Have you heard the one about blind hookers?

You've really got to hand it to them.

What's the difference between an Immortal Goddess and a Hooker?

The letter 't'

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I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me "small penis no problem, small penis no problem"

I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all

What do you call a hooker that asks for payment in Italian food?

A pasta-tute.

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Parrot hooker NSFW

An old John likes to buy a hooker on payday. Every second Thursday he walks down to the strip and picks one up and then he pops into the pet store to rent a female parrot for his parrot so they can both have some fun. One Thursday the pet store didn’t have any parrots left, but this old John didn’t ...

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Wrong hole ! Turn her over !”

An older man who had finally grown tired of being a virgin wanted to finally lose his virginity. So he called up his buddy who was very good with the ladies and asked him if he would help him organize a night for him and a hooker.

“No problem, I’ve got a perfect plan”, says his buddy. “We’ll...

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How would a Christian Hooker Pray?

Please Good Lord Jizz us

What's the difference between a hooker and an actress?

I don't think that's a very good defense mr weinstein

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Transvestite Hooker (Very NSFW)

A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out. He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out, "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month,...

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On his 90th birthday his friends chipped in to hire a hooker.

On his 90th birthday his friends chipped in to hire a hooker.

She danced seductively, then sat on his lap.

She whispered in his ear "I'm here to give you super sex!"

The man thought about it and then asked her "what kind of soup?"

What’s a 69?

A young lad doesn’t know what a 69 is, and approaches a hooker and asks what a 69 is.

“C’mon kid, I’ll show you”.
They proceed to her place, where they get undressed.

“Lie on the bed, and I’ll sit on your face “.
As she jumps on, she lets out a great big dirty stinking fart, that...

What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers.

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So a guy buys a $5 hooker.....

They have sex and the next day the guys realizes he has crabs. The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund

The hooker goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"

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What do you call people who have trade jobs can't afford to hire individual hookers?

A jackoff all trades.

How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

Hookers were prepared for the pandemic

because they’ve always offered curbside pickup.

You wanna know how I know that good hookers aren't worth the money?

Because I always overcharge clients.

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Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

EDIT: Holy crap this blew up (no pun intended). Front page! RIP to my inbox.

Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold!

Why did the john haggle with the hooker?

He just wanted to get the most bang for his buck.

I'm sorry. That's fifteen seconds you'll never get back.

How does a hooker make a living?

Incum.

What do you call a hooker who just lost her job?

Unemploughed.

What do you call a hooker's kid?

A brothel sprout

What are Christian hookers good at?

Missionary work.

George goes to see a hooker. It’s his 50th birthday and although still single, he needs to celerate. [nsfw]

So off he goes to the ladies of pleasure and sees a rather big woman he wants to “go to town with”. In he goes, starts to go down when suddenly he feels something stuck between his teeth. He uncomfortably pauzes and tries to take out what appeared to be a piece of carrot. A bit weirded out because h...

My girlfriend just dumped me

She got mad because of “the way I spend my money on myself”

But the thing is, I bought her presents every week, took her on trips, spent literally thousands on her in this relationship, and just this one time, I spend literally just a $100 on a hooker, she gets all mad and dumps me…

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"W...

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My first hooker...

A few years ago when I first got divorced, I decided to go to Vegas, and wanted to have some fun. I went to a casino, went to the bar, and bought a drink before I did anything when I am approached by a beautiful woman. She asked me if I liked to have fun and I said yes, she then told me she would gi...

What do hookers and criminals have in common

They’ve both been in hand cuffs

Hookers on Naval Subs

Substitutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(nsfw) Why should you only ever have sex with hookers with one hand?

It's the only sure way not to get the clap.

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What did Steve Jobs say to the hooker?

Blow Jobs

A man gets a hooker and starts going on down on her when he suddenly pulls a small piece of carrot out of his mouth...

...well it's been a while, so undaunted, he continues. After a minute or so, he pulls a small piece of beef out of his mouth. At this point, he has to ask, "Ma'am, are you sick or something?" "No" she replies, "but the guy before you was."

The monk

So this monk turns 18, and leaves the monastery and goes to town for the very first time. He's walking down the street, and a hooker yells, "Hey father! How about a little head? Ten bucks."

Well, the monk doesn't know what this means, so he goes scurrying back to the monastery. He finds one ...

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with 3.14 hookers?

AIDS. He got AIDS and died.

What, you were expecting a pi joke?

On my cake day??

The one about the quickly wed couple

So a man, lets call him Dan, meets this girl, we'll call her Stacy, on a blind date. They hit it off right away and chat the night away. Well they go on another date, this one went even better than the last, Dan's heart flutters every time he thinks of her. So then Dan asks her on a third date and t...

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