UPJOKE
alaaspcysgloopglyleulysnalnh2pheplasminogensertyrvalrelease

Glu Jokes

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some jerk glued every card in my deck together so now its just a block of cardboard.

I'm having trouble dealing with it.

A writer friend of mine claims he is 'glued to his memoir'

That's his story and he's sticking to it.

I found my boomerang with RAM glued to it

Man that thing brought back memories

Someone glued a mustache to my face.

I can't pull it off...

I used to be so lonely, so I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car

Now wherever I go, everyone waves to me

I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together...

It was very confusing.

I'm worried about my deaf friend who glued his forefinger to his thumb.

But he says he's A-OK.

I spent all morning gluing watches together to make a belt...

It was a complete waist of time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend won't let me spank her butt during foreplay, so I glued her butt cheeks together...

Well, if you can't beat them, join them.

Apparently, gluing books to your ceiling is a good way to enhance your learning.

I've been reading up.

I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic…

But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally glued my girlfriend's butt cheeks together.

She hasn't talked to me in three days , but I can feel the shitstorm coming. ..

I wasn't sure about gluing a propeller to my face

but now I'm a big fan

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

Yesterday I glued my palms to the kitchen floor

It's hands-down the best decision I've ever made

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my son gluing light bulbs to the end portion of a dog.

"What the fuck is going on here?" I asked.

"My mechanic said I needed taillights."

I glued a picture of my deceased parrot onto my boomerang.

It brings back good memories.

I saw my neighbour gluing his drill back together.

What a complete tool.

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

I’m repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,

but Snitches get stitches

In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."

"And, cushions would have rectal the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."

I had a argument with a friend recently. 5 days ago I super glued his phone to his hand.

He just can't let it go.

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

My brother is an idiot. He's in hospital with a broken ankle because he tried gluing 3 cans of soda together and using them as stilts.

That'll teach him to get high on coke.

I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma

But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Growing up, if I wanted to see woman's underwear in the Sears catalog, I did it at a buddy's house

because my asshole brother kept gluing the pages togeather in ours.

One thing I can’t deal with..

is a deck of cards glued together.

Mexican Custodian

A Mexican custodian finishes mopping the lobby floor. A young girl enters the lobby with her eyes glued to her smartphone.

"Miss," the Mexican custodian says, "the floor is wet."

The girl looks up from her phone with a bored expression. "K," she replies.

"Miss," the Mexican cu...

is this funny?

****THE TOILET SEAT****

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came home and undressed to t...

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant and encountered a strange old man sitting at a small table near the door. The old man had at the table with him a glue stick and a few sheets of construction paper and he seemed to be engaged in some kinds of arts-and-crafts project. The waitstaff occasionall...

Siamese Cat

My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat.

My mate told me that they are really expensive, so I've bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.

Russian joke.

A kid homes home all excited and tells his mom that their teacher was carrying a gallon of super glue, dropped it, slipped and glued herself to the floor.

"Omg" says mom, " did you guys get her off"

"Yea" says the kid, the brave kids did it twice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] A gorgeous bartender puts up a sign that says “Men: ask me about your beards”

The first day a man walks up to the bar, orders his drink, then inquires about the sign. “What did you wanna know about my beard?”, the man with a long fluffy beard asks.

“Well darlin, I’m lookin’ for a special kind of man”, the bartender says. “The kind that can tickle the inside of my thig...

A Travelling Salesman Whose Car Has Broken

A travelling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse.
The farmer says, “You can spend the night but you’ll have to share a room with my daughter.”
The daughter, a gorgeous 20-something, winks at him over her father’s shoulder.
“Oh, I don’t mind that,” ex...

Tourist mementos.

Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.

Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all ...

Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.

And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

Man walks into a McDonalds.

Cashier: "Hello welcome to McDonalds, can I take your order?"

Man: "Hi, let me get a Bigmac value meal. Burn the lettuce, burn the onions, burn the ketchup, burn the fries... hell, burn the soda- but remember to fill up the cup to the brim with ice so that it takes up half the volume. Burn ev...

The King asked one of his advisors to find the biggest five idiots in the kingdom and bring them to him within a month.

King Bob asked his advisor Simon to look for five biggest idiots in his state and produce them in his court within a month.
After a month's extensive search operations, Simon brought to the court only two people!

"But I asked for five," King Bob shouted angrily.

"Give me a chance to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to feed a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Father Was An Inventor

When I was a kid he would invent the most amazing things, and I was fascinated with every thing he invented. He would start a new project at the beginning of every month, and it would always be done at the end of the month, and I would always be the first to see his new invention.

One year th...

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.