Did you hear about thr guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He’s all right now.

So my dog used to chase people on a bike all thr time.

It got so bad I had to take away his bike

One of my dad's favorites

When they started, the painters decided to paint the body of the church before painting the steeple. With the church completed and the steeple well along, paint was getting low and a thunderstorm loomed. To finish properly, they would need to climb down to the ground to get more paint. Alterna...

Whats thr difference between a woman and a refrigerator?

A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out..

What's thr difference between the chinese and racism?

Racism has many faces.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Did you hear the joke about thr guy with the Midas Touch and an Oediupus Complex....

It's pure, motherfucking gold!

If you want a job in thr moisturizer industry, the best advice i can give you is...

To apply daily.

Thr golfer

Sorry if previously posted but one of my favorites still and I didn't see if after a brief search.


An old guy is about to marry a young hot girl and tells her he wants no secrets between them.
He says, "I am a golfer. I eat, sleep, dream and live for golf.

She admires his hones...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What were both the pregnant 14 year old and thr fetus inside of her thinking?

They we're both thinking: "Crap, my mom's going to kill me."

I went to my dentist today and he asked when was thr last time I flossed

I was confused because I remember he was there.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

He's not even your father.

Son: dad, I wanna marry that girl in the apartment below us.

Dad: don't, I had a relationship with her mom. I'm afraid she turns out to be your sister.

Son: thenlet me marry the one in thr apartment above us.

Dad: forget that one too, I had it with her mom. I'm afraid she turns ...

A Serbian politician visits Mexico

There he meets their president and gets invited to a diner at the president's house... There he sees a magnificient villa and he asks how did you build it... Mexican president points at the bridge few kilometres away and says 'Do you see that bridge'... Serbian politician says 'Yes', and the Mexican...

"What time are we getting together for the last supper, Jesus?"

"Oh, hey, Judas. Come over about thr...wait, *last* supper?"

"Yeah, no, like, supper. When's supper?"

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A woman walks into a pharmacy...

She tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

"Why in thr world would you need cyanide??" He asks.

The woman explains that she needs it to kill her husband.

The pharmacists eyes get big-- "Good Lord!! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! It's against the law! I wi...

A funeral director is standing at the edge of a cliff, about to jump

Funeral Director: I'm ruined! My funeral directory business has gone bankrupt! I will lose my home, my wife, my kids. I'm RUINED!!! RUINED!!!!!!!! Okay... on three, I jump. One... two... thr-

Man: What are you doing?

Funeral director: I'm about to commit suicide. You?

Man: Also ...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Dave is in the court because of domestic violence.

"These papers say you beat your wife with a hammer" says the judge. "Is this true?"

"Yes," says Dave.

"Disgusting son of a bitch," says a man in the audience.

The judge proceeds. "Then, two weeks later, you beat your wife's mother with the same hammer. Is this true?"

"Yes...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

3 construction workers. (Long)

There were three construction workers building a hotel. One of them was Wei, another was Daniel and the other was Marcel. During lunch breaks, thr three would go to the top of the hotel and eat their lunch. Wei unpacked his lunched and exclaimed "Sushi! My favorite!", before digging into his lunch. ...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A man is getting married, and decides to get a tattoo to honor his bride to be

He wants to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When he goes to get it done, he finds out that it has to be hard.

As a result, his flaccid penis just says WY.

On their honey moon in jamaica, this man finds himself in the bathroom at a bar next to the local bartender. Rather d...

A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.


He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."


"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

...

Movies

Friend 1: I just watched a film in which a man’s wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and has to chase thr kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.

Friend 2 : Uhhh...

I was at my girlfriend's house...

And we decided to play beer pong. So she set up some glasses, poured the beer, and I was thr first to go. I threw the ball, but just before it went into the glass Samuel L. Jackson, the famous actor, run up and moved the glass out of the way.

TL;DR: missed her glass, played by Samuel L. Jacks...

A man with a monkey on his shoulder enters the bar.

While he's sipping his drink at the bar, the monkey jumps around to eat everything he finds. He jumps on a pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender shouts "did you see what monkey did?"
"No, what did he do?" the man asks.
"He swallowed my billiard ball!" says thr bartender. ...

Little bit of a read but funny

(Im from Louisiana and we usually use Boudreaux and Thibadeaux as our characters with our cajun accent but for joke purposes ill use tim and matt)
Tim and Matt went to see a wrestling match at a local arena. There was a famous wrestler in town called the Human Pretzel (due to his special move fol...

A man walks into a bar

The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replys " I just found out that my wife is sleeping with another man. So I am going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and say " I am sorry but I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks, " Well what would you do in my situation?"...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Goodies but oldies

This is actually a repost from along time ago but fuck it. Thank you for thr 2 day long laugh guy here it goes.


One day this home owner goes to his back yard and sees a freaking gorrilla on his tree. He freaks out so he searches up for a gorrila expert on the yellow book. He calls and the...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

The Yankee farmer moves down south

So this farmer from up north decides he's going to retire and move to the south. After he gets his house and land he starts to miss farming so he decides to start back up but on a small scale. The farmer walks to the local flea market to see what he can find and first off he sees a man selling 2 chi...

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