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Excuses Jokes

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do...

My wife makes excuses for stuff by saying she's OCD.

Nobody cares if you're a rapper, Margaret.

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No Excuses!

A teacher was wrapping up class and started talking about the final exam that was happening the next day. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. Then, one smart-ass male student asks, "*And what about extreme sexu...

Excuses are like farts

I love the sound of my own, but don't want to hear anyone else's

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Excuses are like assholes...

Some people have really nice ones.

So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.

So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.

Teacher: Why on earth do you let your dog eat your homework?

Billy: Well, my dog really love to eat cake.

Teacher: And how does this even related?

Billy: Yesterday you said that the homework is a piece of cake....

Always making up excuses isn't a good thing.

I wish i could explain why but i have broken my finger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to the class

He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A prankster student in the back of the classroom waved his han...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex...

I'm tired. I'm washing my hair. I've got a headache. I am your sister-in-law.

Top 5 anti-vax excuses, interpreted for gamers

Excuse #5: "I like to play life with the default biological settings".

Excuse #4: "I like to take my chances and play it on extreme difficulty, just like old school style."

Excuse #3: "Pay to win? Eww."

Excuse #2: "I'll rather die than pay for DLC."

Excuse #1: "I swe...

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a scientist who investigates early homo sapien societies but excuses their violent behaviour toward Neanderthals and other sub-species of archaic humans?

An anthro-apologist.

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to ...

Jack: Seriously Edith, your excuses are lame. It's clear that you are only trying to make people think you are special.

Edit: That's stupid, Jack. I removed the H from my name coz it saves ink in my printer.

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