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Vera Jokes

I used to date this German woman named Vera

Now, I make a lot of puns, and Vera always hated them and sighed annoyedly at them. Every pun I made: sigh sigh sigh.

We used to get into fights about it. Big, trench-warfare fights: I wanted her to stop sighing in exasperation, and she wanted me to stop making bad puns.

Eventually we ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

What do you get when you cross an aloe vera plant with a dachshund?

A succuweenie.

Apparently they’re going to erect a statue in memory of Dame Vera Lynn ...

Don’t know where, don’t know when

Vera Lynn used to work at an Arctic research station. She wrote a protest song about the lack of variety in the staff canteen.

Whale meat again?

So I was out Christmas shopping earlier today, decided to stop in at the local garden section to pick out some succulents for my wife, tripped over a hose and ended up falling into the Aloe Vera.

Hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.

VE Day Joke...

I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.

He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat or we've got the Vera Lynn.'

I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'

He said 'Whale meat again

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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a transvestite only clothing line.

It's called Vera's Wang.

What do pirates use to treat burns

Ahoy Vera

What did one succulent British plant say to the other?

'Aloe! Vera nice to meet you!

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear...

No matter how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him ...

How do you treat a sunburn in Hawaii?

With Aloe-ha Vera!

If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from?

Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

Oh, Jim...

Jim goes to the Doctors about a rash. "Doc, I've had this rash on my chin for 2 weeks now. I've tried everything; aloe vera, tea tree oil, vaseline. Nothing works."

The Doctor says "Oh I've seen this before"

"You have?"

"Yes. I had the exact same thing last week. I was going dow...

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