UPJOKE
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What did the mom say when her kid asked her to explain an eclipse?

No son

How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it

I wanted to tell an eclipse joke

But it gets kind of dark

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.

I tried it and it just strained my eyes.

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?

No son

Is it a solar or lunar eclipse where the sun passes in front of the moon?

Neither. That would be the apoca-clipse.

A boy asks his dad to explain the solar eclipse,

His father replies,

β€˜No son’.

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleve...

Thankfully, someone created an online resource for everyone who suffered retinal damage watching the solar eclipse.

It truly is a site for sore eyes.

There's a lunar eclipse, and the Sun and Moon are aligned

The Moon says "Hello Mr Sun, I don't come across you very often!"

The Sun arrogantly turns his nose up and replies "Yes well, we move in different circles"

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

My sex life is like the eclipse.

It doesnt happen often and only lasts a minute or so.

I looked at the eclipse without glasses.

Now I will get to see it for the rest of my life.

They shouldn't let students outside to see the eclipse today

They need to protect their pupils.

The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...

I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

GUYS. If you missed the eclipse today, there's going to be a secondary one later.

It's at 8:01 PM. The earth will block out the sun and it will go completely dark during a period of about 10 1/2 hours.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

That solar eclipse was so dark...

The LAPD beat the shit out of it for being on the wrong side of town.

I locked my car doors when it passed by.

It had its own hashtag for mattering.

Okay r/jokes, take it from here. That solar eclipse was so dark...

I couldn't see the eclipse of the sun today! 😑

Friggin' moon was in the way! 😑

Total Eclipse Today

I tried using a colander to view the eclipse.

I think I've strained my eyes.

Eclipse is an acronym

* Eyes
* Cannot
* Look
* Into
* Partial
* Solar
* Eclipse

Why does everyone care about the eclipse?

Probably because it's significance is astronomical.

Eclipse is when earth is between sun and moon, what is it called when sun is between earth and moon ?

Apocalypse

P.S . My 11 yr old nephew said this and I found it very funny

You can look at the solar eclipse directly

Once with your left eye, once with your right eye

Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but...

Bella chooses Edward.

Trump stared at the eclipse yesterday, but he'll be okay...

He has plenty of practice feeling his way around.

I'm really worried about the upcoming solar eclipse.

Because I've always heard that once you go black, you never go back.

Drinking game for the eclipse

Tomorrow, take a shot for every post on r/tifu with a title that's anything along the lines of "TIFU by looking at the eclipse" or "TIFU by not watching my [sibling/child/parent/grandparent/friend/SO] during the eclipse".

In other words: Take a shot for everyone blinded by their ignorance.

How do you take a picture of an eclipse without a camera?

Stare at it for 30 seconds

I've been wondering what the eclipse looks like...

But I've been kept in the dark.

My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony

Daylight robbery

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

The solar eclipse is like my sex life

it will be dark, hurt your eyes and only last 2 minutes!

Woke up at 5:30am to get a head start on driving to view the Eclipse today

Must have missed the start though- it was already dark.

The only reason the eclipse happened

I was changing my mixtape

If the eclipse glasses I sold you don't work...

see me after, and I'll give you a refund.

You can use a cereal box to see the solar eclipse,

But can they see why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch?

I have had it with apocalypse jokes with the eclipse.

They keep coming like there is no tomorrow.

Last night there was a total eclipse of the sun...

It was quite an eclipse. The earth's shadow blocked out the sun completely. It got very dark. The temperature dropped. It was eerie. But, after a few hours, I got tired and went inside to sleep.

I hear that there will be another one tonight and every evening next week.

I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.

Don't get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I know it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.

I'll never forget this solar eclipse, it'll forever be seared into my mind...

...and retinas. I really should've worn some glasses.

What do people who make memes and solar eclipses over the US have in common?

It takes them both 38 years to go all the way.

By far, the best picture of the eclipse I have seen so far.

(

I saw a double eclipse today.

Not only did the moon block out the sun, but the clouds did as well.

:(

I TiVo'd the total eclipse and just caught up and I'm confused...

is it okay to look directly at the sun now?

Every solar eclipse, children are often reported missing...

Because the parents cannot find their sun.

What does the moon do when it needs a haircut?

Eclipse it.




Sorry, my son was studying science and saw this joke. He wanted me to share it. Apparently upping his dad joke skills early.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Donald Trump watched the solar eclipse from the White House

President Trump was at the White House when one of his Secret Service agents spoke up.

"Mr President, the eclipse is about to happen. If you wear these glasses and look into the sky, you should see it shortly."

Donald Trump, not one for unsolicited advice, declines the glasses but none...

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Seeing the eclipse was great...

but I wanted to see Uranus. Unfortunately it was too cloudy.

For sale: Slightly used eclipse glasses

Selling them to raise money for my optometry bills.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way

It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart

I'm taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

RIP to all the vampires

who got fooled by the solar eclipse.

What does an astronomer barber do?

Eclipse.

I dropped my textbook in class today to cover up my bad gas and nobody heard me

It was a total eclipse of the fart

How does a barber give the Sun a haircut?

Eclipse it.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

My mom told me that if I kept masturbating, I'd go blind.

I couldn't help it! The eclipse was so beautiful!

Your mom went outside for the first time in 38 years...

Everyone just called it an eclipse though.

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