Dismissed Jokes - 45 Hilarious Dismissed Jokes

The British Museum has allegedly dismissed a member of staff over "stolen" items

Which is ironic..

Duck stands before the judge. Judge says "why are you here?"

Duck "I was caught blowing bubbles in the lake your honor"

Judge "thats stupid, case dismissed"

Next duck comes in.

Judge "why are you here?"

Duck "I was caught blowing bubbles in the lake your honor"

Judge "thats stupid, case dismissed"

Next duck comes i...

I had a speeding ticket dismissed by a judge who knew his physics

The cop wrote down my location, so I told the judge if he knew where I was, he couldn’t possibly measure my velocity.

One day, a teacher said "Whoever can answer my next question can get dismissed now".

Tom threw his bag outside the window.
The teacher asked angrily "Who threw the bag?"
Tom answered "It's me! "

I was unfairly dismissed today from my job as a fireworks coordinator

It was bang out of order.

I got dismissed from my job as a pilot.

They told me I had an altitude problem.

Your dismissed.

"Don't you mean you're?"

Don't try to roast my grammar, your dis missed.

The case of the Garden Murderer was dismissed

Apparently all the evidence was planted

On the bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the ...

The author of what’s been described as “the world’s worst thesaurus” has dismissed the comments.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

Somebody once argued to me "that which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."

I replied "no it can't."

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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence.

As part of his vow, he can come before the Abbot once every five years and say whatever he wants, but it can only be two words long.

Five years come and go and the man stands before the Abbot . They ask if he has anything to say and he responds "Bad Food." He is then dismissed and returns to ...

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

"I'm not killing a dog."

...

A secretary at the Kremlin is having a cigarette break besides the main entrance.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself:

"That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!"

The secretary thought to ...

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Quiet guy in class had this gem of a response

Military history class. We have this one guy in class who doesn't really say much and tends to keep to himself; just figured one of those 'man of few words' kinda guys. One day, we were discussing the planes used in WW2. Ensuing discussion goes as such

Professor: So what planes did we have du...

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More an anecdote than a joke, but still telling....

As Japan invaded Manchuria, the Chinese general called in his aide for daily reports.

On day one, the aide said, "Not good. More than 2000 Chinese dead, just seventeen Japanese dead."

The general dismissed him without a word.

Next day, the aide somberly reported, "1700 Chinese ...

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....

Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire . The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...

The Mosque denied all responsibility!

So, the judge...

An engineer on trial.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said t...

"Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for destroying evidence?"

"Yeah, apparently the case was dismissed due to lack of evidence."

Little Johnny in class

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with the letters 'tor' that also ate things.

The first little boy said, 'Alligator'.

'Very good, Jimmy, that's a big word', said the teacher.

The next little boy said, 'Predator'.

'That's also a very good wor...

An FBI chief is informed there is a traitor in his staff.

He decides to test 3 agents he suspects.

He sits down the first agent in his office and asks him:

Chief: "Are you a patriot?"

Agent: "Yes sir, I am."

Chief: "Do you love more, your country or your family?"

Agent: "My country sir!"

Chief: "Alright, take t...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

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A female lieutenant walked into a shower room. She sees a sergeant and two men, and walks up to them...

Lieutenant: good God, put your privates away!
The sergeant is confused for a second, but then says: private Smith, private Jones, you are dismissed to dinner!
The female lieutenant watches ad the two men walk away, and then turns to the sergeant and says: alright, now that your privates are aw...

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A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

I got summoned for jury duty today...

When my name was eventually called, this blonde bombshell prosecutor looked me up and down then immediately dismissed me.

Something about not wanting to risk a "hung jury".

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Johnny was sitting in class...

...and the teacher told them they would be dismissed after they matched the quote to the president. She starts with "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Johnny raises his hand, but Sally calls out "FDR"

"Correct!" says the teacher, and lets her leave.

She asks the next quot...

Best All Time Favourite Jokes

A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalist for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question:
The mathematician was first. "How much is 500 plus 500 ?", they asked
"1000" he replied without hesitation.
"Thank you", they d...

Adult book store

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke,"...

On a tiny island between Italy and Greece,

Maria and Nico were young, in love, and engaged to be married. On the night before they were to be wed, Maria’s mother sat her down to have “The Talk”. Knowing Nico’s Greek heritage, she counseled her daughter:

“Maria, mia bella figlia, if Nico ever asks you to turn over, you must say NO! Nic...

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It's the last day of school and Little Johnny is ready to go home.

The teacher says, "To be dismissed from class and go to the playground while you wait for your parents to pick you up, you have to answer a history question correctly."

Teacher asks, "Who was the 1st president? Maria?"

Maria says, "That's easy, George Washington!"

"Very good, yo...

A donkey and his farmer were hauling some corn on an old road

when a wheel broke, cracking the road underneath. The township sued the farmer for road repairs, but a judge dismissed the case stating "it's not the ass's fault asphalt has faults"

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Damn Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class on a Thursday and the teacher made an announcement. She said that she was going to start asking one question every Thursday and if anyone got the correct answer school on Friday would be dismissed. So the first question was...How much does the earth weigh? Little v...

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The fastest thing in the world

Four men go for a job interview.

The first one is called into the office, and the boss asks him a question: "What's the fastest thing in the world?"

The man thinks for a moment before answering, and finally says, "A thought!"

"Interesting answer," says the boss.

"Yeah, ...

A man is sentenced to 15 years in prison, but escapes after only 3 days

He's taken in front of a judge, who orders the prisoner to explain his actions. The prisoner says "Well your honor, the first day, they gave me a comb, then shaved off all my hair. The second day, they gave me a tooth brush, then pulled out all my teeth. The third day, they gave me a jock strap, I w...

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The Monk

Hoping to find some meaning in his life, a young man joined a monastery. The monks were required to take a vow of silence; they could only say two words every ten years.

The young man took his vows, and spent his days tilling the garden, baking unleavened bread, and saying silent prayers in ...

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Mrs. Sue, a teacher, is about to start her first class for the year when she notices quite a few empty chairs

She decides to start class when suddenly a boy walks in.

Mrs. Sue: You’re late. What is your name, and where have you been?

Billy: Sorry Mrs. Sue. I’m Billy, and I was on top of Cherry Hill.

Mrs. Sue dismissed him to sit down.

A few minutes later another boy walks in.
...

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Johnny at school..

At school, Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Catherine, the teacher, asks the students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said, "Paracetamol ?"
"Very good! And what is it used for?"
"It is used for a headache."
The second pupil said, "R...

Cheating at a College Exam

It was finals time in college and the exam for a professor was inside of a large dining hall. There were moderators who were grad students for the professor, and they walked around.
One moderator spotted a student looking at another's paper, and copying. So the moderator went to the professor an...

Goodnight Mom, goodnight dad.

A father was tucking his youngest daughter to bed one night after he finished reading her daily bedtime story. Just as he finally kissed her on the forehead, she said - "Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, goodbye forever Grandpappy"

The father was a little disturbed by the last part but shook it o...

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

Two couples decided to go camping one weekend...

so they pick out a nice little area to set up camp. What they didn't realize is they set up camp on a Native American reservation. Not only that, they only brought one small tent!

So after setting up camp and having a delicious fish dinner the couples decide to hit the hay for the night but t...

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