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Diamonds Jokes

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.

Our problems are like diamonds

we inflate their value because we don't understand how many they have in Africa

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds

Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

Why Do Most Diamonds Look So Similar?

They're all just carbon copies of each other.

Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more"

Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*

The only thing harder than diamonds

a redneck at his family reunion

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Diamond Princess is a viruses best friend.

If the government finds diamonds in your backyard it's theirs...

... but if they find drugs, then it's yours?

Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds…

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are dicks like Diamonds?

Massive oversupply with artificial market restrictions in place. Everyone who has one thinks they are unique, and if one is in your hand you’re expected to mention its size,

and fake ones are often just as good

Diamond ad companies

Diamonds are forever

Diamonds will take her breath away

Diamonds will render her speechless

What they really mean,

diamonds, that'll shut her up!

Credit: Ron white

I like my diamonds like I like my steak

Rare and Bloody

I like my men like I like my diamonds

Perfectly cut and hard as a rock

Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He’s the one that orca-strated the heist!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diamonds are the only thing in the natural world that can cut themselves...

I think someone should book them a therapist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the diamond so good at sex?

Coz diamonds last forever

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, and dogs are man's best friend...

...then David Bowie is everyone's best friend.

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

Fact, when you find diamonds, old coins or anything of value on your property, it belongs to the government.

But, if the police find drugs, they belong to you.

A husband and wife are having dinner...

A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. ‪‪ The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who in the hell was that?" "Oh," r...

What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship?

Carbon dating

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Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond?

Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds

Kid: well what about my name?

Mother: never mind about that Richard.

Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist.

Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

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Uranus - These a re all true BTW

Uranus is full of gas.
Uranus smells like farts.
Uranus craps diamonds.
Uranus is a cold, cold place.
NASA flew by Uranus and snapped lots of pics.
Uranus is huge.
We can see Uranus with the naked eye.
Uranus is bleeding is an actual astrological (not astronomical...

A dad and his his 7 year old son

A dad and his so were playing Minecraft one day, and the son asked his dad what should he never do in Minecraft?

The dad answers, go into creative mode because that ruins the game.

He stares his dad dead in the eyes and says, No dad DON’T SPEND YOUR DIAMONDS ON HOES!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a prostitute that pegs men for jewelry?

Lucy in this Guy for Diamonds

Just remembered a classic from my childhood

When I say childhood, I mean from the playground at primary school.

3 men are out for a walk when a man approaches them.

"Come with me, I have a magic slide. Whatever you shout as you slide down it, you will land in"

The first man climbed into the slide "Gold!" He shouted and la...

How does a man keep his youth?

By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

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