UPJOKE
givedevoteconsecratechurchsacrificeassigndonateendowcommitcommendbishopaltarapplytempleconsecration

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

Bob Barker was dedicated to getting pets spayed and neutered

Say what you want but that took alot of balls

After I broke up with my short girlfriend, she started a YouTube channel dedicated to trashing me.

I said "well that's a little ex stream"

I’ve dedicated my life to find my wife’s murderer.

If you can recommend someone, let me know.

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I'm gonna open a store dedicated to making pants for people with large butts

I'll call it "Big Booty Britches"

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What do you call the science dedicated to studying Uranus?

Asstronomy

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3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

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A man who dedicated his life to sexual exploration retired today at the age of 90.

When asked why, he said, "I actually prefer traditional sex nowadays, the only kink i have left is the one in my neck."

What do you call an internet page dedicated to anime?

A weebsite.

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

Did you hear about the support group dedicated for people who talk too much?

It's called "On and On Anonymous."

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

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The Dedicated Husband

There was a man whose wife was in a coma. She had been in a coma for 5 years and every day, the man would visit the hospital and spend time with her despite her lack of progress. On this particular day, he found himself to be bored and got a little horny. So he reached over and began feeling up his ...

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.


*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

I absolutely MUST get a month dedicated to my favorite fruit...

Kumquat May.

I have dedicated my entire life to knowing 96% of the alphabet

I really don't know why though

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I just got wrongfully fired from my job for "being in a state of constant sexual arousal"

Which is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone around me knows that I'm a dedicated employee who is always hard at work.

My roommate is really dedicated to dental hygiene

just last night I heard her using an electric toothbrush for what seemed like an hour

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It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

A priest dies and goes to Heaven...

Some time after he's arrived, he's noticed that one of the other people in Heaven, a New York City cab driver, was being treated with much more respect than he was.

So he went to the Lord and asked, "Lord, why is that man being treated much better than me when all he did for a living was dr...

Dedicated to /u/RogerSimon10 (RIP)

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”

The Fast and the Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker

Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

There's a support group dedicated to those addicted to plastic surgery...

The leader walks in and says "Wow, I see a lot of new faces. I have to say I'm disappointed!"

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For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, s...

3 Men Die and go to Heaven... (Joke dedicated to phoncible)

St. Peter at the gate says that there is only one spot left, and he'll give it to the guy that died in the worst way between the three of them.

So the first guy says, "I came home from work, suspecting my wife of cheating on me. I find no man around, but my wife is disrobed and laying in the ...

A man dedicated his life to tying bits of string together.

Unfortunately, it was all for knot.

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

Im so old, the DJ in this bar just dedicated his next set to me !

...and turned off the music

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What was the very last thing the dedicated German therapist told his patients on the Titanic?

"Sink Positively!"

I'm going to start a foundation dedicated to helping people with obsessive behaviour.

And call it Obsessive Disorders Control.

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I've dedicated my entire life to getting prostitutes off the streets

For an hour or so each day.

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

How many days off does a women get who has dedicated her life to working for the lord?

Nun!

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2 guys are down to their last 10 bucks....

Its a friday and theyre hungry but wanna get drunk too. So guy1 tells guy2, "Hey i got an idea, lets get a sausage and ill put it in my pants. Then pretend to give me a blowjob after we order our drinks!" So guy 2 agrees and go the first bar. Bartender asks what theyll have and they both respond a ...

Before Reddit there was a club dedicated to telling jokes and this is what happened

This club dedicated to telling jokes would meet every month and tell jokes to each other. The best jokes were retold so many times that after a while the club members would simply reference them by number. One evening they were telling jokes as usual:

"Do you remember number 117?"
Lots of ...

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A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!"

The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?"

The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no fucking idea."

Edit: I'm sorry to those that are getting offended/angry/and are calling me ...

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam "Is this a union house?"

“No" she replied "I'm sorry it isn't".

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20" she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized sh...

Coffee and the Bible

Did you know the Bible talks about who should make coffee? There's a whole book dedicated to it called Hebrews.

The Secret Deal

An original of mine. Excuse the grammar.

There once was a clan of hunter-gatherers dedicated to being self sufficient. They would ONLY ever hunt and gather. Absolutely no trading or sales of any kind was allowed in this clan. Being self sufficient was religion to them, and they hated the idea...

A priest passes away and goes to heaven…

He arrives at St Peter’s gate and joins the back of the queue.

Shorty after, Bob the bus driver passes away. St Peter sees Bob and waves at him - “Bob! Come on over! Please go through you’re very welcome and please enjoy heaven you deserve it!”

The priest is flabbergasted and confused....

Picabo Street is a former World Cup alpine ski racer and model. When she was inducted into the National Ski Hall of Fame in 2004, her home town of Triumph, Idaho dedicated an entire wing of the local hospital to her.

It's called the Picabo ICU.

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A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.

His name was Popsicles.

I just learned today is International Joke Day.

But do we really need a whole day dedicated to Trump?

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.

The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders. Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this...

Patriotism.

Being in the American military gives one the rare and distinctively American opportunity to live under a bridge that may one day be posthumously dedicated to you.

The mayor of Frankfurt, Germany

... was bitten on the finger by a dwarf seal just after she had dedicated a new enclosure for the seals at the Frankfurt Zoo.

(You can't really blame the animal. Even humans bite when they get that close to a frankfurter).

Flying over the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on it's way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring ...

A preacher in the Wild West, ...

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, c...

Did you hear about that new physics institute?

It’s so big, there is a dedicated infrared-light district!

A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill...

...with a touch of laryngitis - but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labor - as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through t...

r/Jokes founder nominated for the Nobel peace prize

Because they’ve created world’s most dedicated recycling community.

16 years ago the pope died.

And when he got to heaven he was greeted by angels.

"How are you mr.Pope?"

"Wonderful, I am so delighted to be in the gracious kingdom of heaven."

After checking the pope in the angels gave him a tour of heaven. Het got to see giant fountains, beautiful parks, and a huge mansio...

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Two college students have their most important final exam next week...

But they've chosen to spend the week partying instead. So, in their drunken stupour, after realising how badly they messed up, they beg their professor to give them an extra day for the exam. Even though sceptical, they told him that they had a flat tire on the way to university and couldn't reach c...

What do you call a pilot who always flies the same plane?

Very dedicated to his craft.

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

My English teacher asked me what I knew about syntax.

"I never knew part of my earnings were dedicated to wrongdoings."

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A priest dies and goes to Heaven

As he’s waiting for his turn at the pearly gates, he notices a sign saying that each individual’s experience in eternity will depend on how they have impacted people’s lives on Earth. This sight pleases him as his occupation is highly regarded in the Christian faith, so the pinnacle of heavenly blis...

The Pope, Donald Trump, Lionel Messi, and a 14 year old boy are flying on a plane together.

Halfway into the flight, the pilots announce that the plane is going down, and that there are only three parachutes on board.

Lionel Messi grabs a parachute and says “Well guys, I’m the best football player in the world. My fans and millions of people worldwide need me!”, and jumps out of th...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

Say what you will about Americans being fat and lazy...

but active shooters are always determined, dedicated, and in shape.

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You know, Hitler must have been a pretty great artist.

There are a ton of museums dedicated to his work, after all.

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Priest Peter

A priest named Peter was a really great man to God. Always faithful and hard-working. One day, he died and went to the heaven's gates. Besides him was a really drunk bus driver (like, a really bad driver) who died the same day.



Since Peter was thinking that the bus driver may not get ...

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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

I grew up on McDonalds, and it still holds a special place in my heart.

I’ve even got plaque dedicated to it.

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

women vs men

Women are so difficult. Always changing their minds...,

At 18, they want handsome men.

At 25, they want mature men.

At 30, they want successful men.

At 40, they want established men.

At 50, they want faithful men.

At ...

did you hear about the mathematics whiz who was afraid of negative numbers?

his phobia was so bad that he will stop at nothing to avoid them.

dedicated to my special friend blader2601.

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