UPJOKE
goddamndarneddamngoddamnedblamedblastedinfernalblamedeuceddamnedblessedcurstcursedintensiveintensifier

Goddam Jokes

Someone told me to write a haiku for them. I was like,

"I'm not doing that. Write your own goddam haiku." The nerve of some folks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer parks his sportscar on the side of a busy road. As soon as he opens the door to get out, BOOOM, an eighteen wheeler takes the driver side door clean off.

The lawyer gets out, sees the damage and immediately starts cursing the world "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! I JUST PAID THEIS BITCH OFF!!! TOP OF THE LINE EVERYTHING, AND NOW IT IS RUINED!!!!! WHY GOD, WHY ME!?!?!?!" As he continues on his tirade, a bike cop pulls up, and says the the lawyer, "you ...

Goddam it what was the name of that Nirvana album?

Ah nevermind

Old lady gets pulled over by a cop for driving slowly

While thinking she's on perscription medication and needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are any weapons in her vehicle. She tells him "Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do. I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console, a Gloc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey...

The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man.

The man, confused, asks to the bartender...

-What the hell is this?

-Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monk...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and Jill went up the hill

So Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of cock
'cause Jill's a goddam tranny!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny runs into the farmhouse yelling "Paw! Paw! You'll never guess what!"

Paw says "What?" and Little Johnny says "Old man Henderson's farmhouse just got sucked clear away by a whirlwind!"

"I know," says Paw calmly. "It's in the paper."

Disgruntled, Little Johnny trudges off, but a couple of days later he's running into the farmhouse again yelling "Paw! Paw!...

I came across a guy changing his tire on the side of the road

So I stopped to help him, his lug nuts were on super tight, so we both pushed on the tire iron with our full weight, which was a mistake, you see, because i lost my balance, and fell hard, with an audible snap!

“Oh my God! My arm I broke my f-ing arm!”

“Which bone?” He asked me, as he ...

Oldie, but goodie - The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims

"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"Wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

License and registration

A couple gets pulled over on their way home. The police officer asks for license and registration. The husband apologizes "I'm sorry officer, I can't seem to find my wallet..."

His wife immediately speaks up "Who are you kidding, your license expired 2 weeks ago. I told you you have to renew ...

She was lying there naked, what was I supposed to do?

The AUTOPSY. The goddam AUTOPSY.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

A man is at a restaurant.

A man is at a restaurant and orders some soup. However, after he gets the soup he calls the waiter back. “Waiter, try this soup!” he says. “What, is it bad?” the waiter asks. “Just try it!” “I can send it back...” “Just try the goddam soup!” “Okay,” the waiter says “Where’s the spoon?” “A-ha!” the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crusty old man walks into a synagogue

A crusty old man walks into a synagogue and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this fucking congregation."
The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'
'Listen up, goddam it. I said I want to join this fucking congregati...

A widower goes to the butcher

shortly after the death of his wife. As soon as the butcher sees him he breaks down into tears.

"I have a confession to make!" The butcher says between sobs. "8 years ago I made a pass at your wife! I told her she could have all finest cuts of meat she'd like if she'd sleep with me. She turne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Irish nuns were sitting in their car at a traffic light when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside.

"Hey, show us your tits you bloody penguins!" shouted one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret and says "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross!"

So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Sod off you little fucking wankers before I...

What do you call masses of Holy water stored up?

Goddam

If there is a dam in heaven...

would that make it a Goddam?

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood...

And my mom would constantly yell at the top of her lungs “get back inside boy, there’s a goddamn junkie heading this way!”

Now that I’m an adult she yells “get back inside you goddam junkie there’s a boy heading this way!”

An old man is sitting on a park bench

Next to him is a large salt shaker and a bag filled with a bunch of bananas. Periodically the old man takes out a banana, carefully peals it, salts it with the shaker, grimaces, then throws it away in a nearby trashcan.

A woman observes him do this with several bananas and after a while final...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin' deposit over here."

The teller is a little taken aback by the customer's language, but does her best to be professional.

"Sir, I'm more than happy to help with that, but I'm going to need to ask you to mind your language while we conduct our business."

"Whoa, Lady, take it easy," the man says, "I just ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 year old is driving mom crazy this summer....

....so she sends him across the street to watch the construction crew across the street....later that day she's having trouble closing a door and he suggests that it probably needs "a cunt hair took off the top"...shocked, she tells dad what was said upon his arrival home...dad tells him to get a sw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The flight got a little rough there...

So we're flying home, and about an hour out from our destination the pilot comes on the intercom and gives us the usual - the temperature at our airport, how we're twenty minutes ahead of schedule, if you look at the window you can see this feature of the landscape, etc. Then he adds,

"... an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The talking horse.

A man travels quietly in his car when suddenly it breaks down. The man is then forced to get off and check his car engine.

He did not understand what was happening when suddenly a brown horse with white spots approaches to see the car engine.

"It's the carburetor" the man listens, but ...

An elderly couple died in a car crash

They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.

So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A long-assed golf joke- but a decent, long-assed golf joke...

A man goes to see his priest:

“Father”, the man begins, “I took the Lord’s name in vain today while I was golfing.”

“I see. This is certainly an egregious sin in the eyes of our Lord, but perhaps you could tell me the circumstances around which this happened. As a golfer myself, I un...

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Barbara Walters and the Indian tribe

Barbara Walters was doing a commentary on "The Customs of the
American Indian". After a tour of the Reservation which she was on
she wondered why the difference in the number of feathers in their
head dresses.

She asked a brave, who had but one feather in his head dress
and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a duck walks into a bar

DUCK hey

BARTENDER Holy shit, you can speak?

DUCK Yeah, I can sing tenor opera too goddammit, you wanna pick your jaw of the goddam bar and get me a cold beer an a cheese sam'ich?

BARTENDER Sure thing, sorry, comin' right up. So, ah, you new around here?

DUCK Yeah I'm jus...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.