UPJOKE

Damn Good Jokes

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A Damn Good Sermon

A man finally goes with his wife to church, after promising her for weeks that he'd go. Surprisingly, the man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMN fine sermon."

The preacher says, "Why thank...

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

Back in the day my uncle was a damn good hypnotist

On an unrelated note I feel compelled to tell you he never touched me

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

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I'm damn good in bed...

I can sleep for days

I am a damn good electrician

Otherwise I would be dead

You know, with all his flaws, Dr. Frankenstein was a damn good orator.

He really knew how to bring people together.

I have gotten pretty damn good at door to door sales of home security systems

When no one is home, I leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

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Man arrives home at 7 a.m, with a heavy stench of whisky.

Wife: You bastard! I hope you have a damn good reason for coming home at 7 in the morning.

Husband: Of course I do.

Wife: Do tell!

Husband: Breakfast.

A Texan walks into a bar in Ireland

and clears his voice to address the crowd of drinkers. He says, 'I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll bet 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.'

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty min...

Buddy of mine got a brand new Mercedes Benz for his Wife

Damn good trade if you ask me.

Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.

She's a bit of a pothead but damn good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so damn good at it.

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The old gunfighter is getting worried

He feels that as he is getting older he is slowing down, and some of the youngsters are getting damn good. He decides he will consult a “gunfighter trainer” to help him improve his technique and show him the latest tricks.

He goes into the bar, and walks up to the gunfighter trainer at a t...

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Losing it guys vs girls (NSFW)

"Losing your virginity to an asshole" is an unfortunate event for girls but a damn good one for guys.

My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

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