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Concurs Jokes

Two prisoners on death row

On the day of their execution, the warden visits the cell of the 2 inmates to be sentenced to death.
The warden asks the first prisoner, "Any requests?"
The first prisoner says, "I'd like to listen to Despacito one last time"
The warden being the considerate chap that he was, concurs and tu...

A cardiac surgeon is picking up his Bentley from an engine repair.

As the owner's mechanic fetches the car, the owner gets to talking with the doctor and says, "You know, engine repair is a lot like open-heart surgery."

"How so?"

"Well, it's the 'heart' of the machine. It's got fuel injectors like veins, an oil pump like an aorta, and pistons that pum...

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Two guys go golfing...

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies, who from the...

A woman walks into a vet with her duck

It's being dragged behind her, evidently dead. She opens the door to an examining room and says "I think my duck might be dead, doctor!" The doctor says "well ma'am, let me take a look". So the doctor takes the duck and gently places it on the examining table. After a few quick checks, he says "I'm ...

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A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling...

Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the ...

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A man discovers some weird fuchsia spots on his penis

after returning from a pleasure trip to Xinjiang. So he sees his doctor, who has no clue what it is and sends the guy to his medical school mentor. The old mentor pages through some of his dusty books and finally identifies the disorder as a rare, China-specific venereal disease, the only cure for w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

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