UPJOKE
gossipschmoozechatterconversationchitchatconfabconfabulateconfabulationconverseshmoozetalkgabtwitternattervisit

Chatting Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was chatting to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy starts chatting to pretty woman at a party

Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men,...

I was chatting with my Finnish friend the other day...

I asked him where his favorite part of Finland was.

He said "Hyvä kysymys! I really like Rovaniemi for the Santa Claus Village!"

I asked him "Hyvä kysymys? What's that?"

All he said was "Good question!"

It's been a week and he still hasn't told me what it means.

(I...

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

two women are chatting in the office....

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled o...

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I'd been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile.

“You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve.”

“Great," she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girlfriend and Boyfriend Chatting.

Girlfriend: You said you was going to give me an Orgasm.


Boyfriend: I did, why the fuck you spit it out?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was chatting to my Girlfriend.

Me: Honey....I..

GF: Let me stop you right there. There's no longer "I" or "You". There's only "We" forever and ever and only "We".

Me: Okay, "We" fucked your sister.

A guy got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked.....

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few ...

In online chatting,if a girl says she is 18,she is probably 16

If she tells she is 16,she is probably 14

If she tell she is 14, He is probably 52

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says,” You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.“

“Oh, what’s it called?” asks the other man enthusiastically.

His friend thinks for a minute,” Uhm…I…er…”

Obviously having a senior moment he says,” What’s that flower...

Chatting at the gym…

While at the gym a good looking woman approached me and asked me, “ have you tried skipping?”
I replied, “like with a rope?” She replied,” no like skipping a meal. “

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four women were chatting in the locker room (nsfw)

When one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation: jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on... there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two physicists are chatting in a bar

Physicist #1: You know... the Andromeda galaxy will collide with our galaxy in 4.5 billion years.

Physicist #2: What?!?! 4.5 million years?!?!?!

Physicist #1: No. BILLION years.

Physicist #2: Uffff...... shit man!! What a relief!! You scared me.

Mom was chatting with her friends.

One of them looked at me and said: look, he has his mother's mouth.

Another one replied: yes, and his father's eyes.

Then another one asked me: do you agree? do you see something else?

I said: yes sure, and his old brother's clothes.

Chatting with a Russian Nationalist

Russian: Mark my words the glorious Russian army will be marching into Lviv by December.

Me: Anything's possible I guess, marching will definitely be the course of action I don't think Russia has any tanks left, but I'm not sure if they have any POW camps in Lviv.

Two blondes chatting.

Blonde 1: I have just bought three goldfish.

Blonde 2: Have you got names for them.?

Blonde 1: Yes, I have called this one. One, This one Two, and this one Three.

Blonde 2: Why have you called them that?

Blonde 1: Well if one and two dies, I will still have three.

Two women are chatting at work [short joke]

Two women are chatting at work.


The first woman says, “my husband surprised me with flowers last night. You know what that means, I’m going to have to spend the entire weekend with my legs in the air….”


Her coworker replies, “why don’t you just buy a vase?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two women were chatting in the airport lounge…

The younger one says “I must be jet lagged, I went to get my ticket to Pittsburgh and asked for a picket to dicksburgh”

The older one replies and says “I know what you mean, I called my husband to remind him to take out the trash and instead said ’you ruined my life you drunken bastard’”

Husband chatting to wife.

Husband says to his wife.

Husband: If I died would you date another man?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move in to our house?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

She says, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a couple times."

Two snails were chatting.

Snail One: How are you doing?

Snail Two: I had to have my shell removed today.

Snail One: So how are you finding it?

Snail Two: I feel a bit sluggish.

An American, a French and a Russian are chatting in a restaurant.

The American woman says:
- I once told my husband that I was not his housewife and that I would not do laundry for him all the time. He left the house. I don't see a him for day, for two, for three, on the forth day he came back with a washing machine.
The Frenchwoman says:
- And I once...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is chatting up a woman in a bar....

she leans over and says, Would you like a little pussy? Hell yeah he said. Me too she said, mine is as big as a canoe.

Two snakes are slithering down the road & chatting.

Snake #1: Oh, boy. I hope I'm not venomous...

Snake #2: Wait, what? Why?

Snake #1: Because I just bit my tongue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Murphy are chatting.

Paddy: "My mate came off of his motorbike today."

Murphy: "Oh really, Is he okay.?"

Paddy: He has brain damage, 2 broken arms & he is blind in one eye.

Murphy: "Fucking hell, no wonder he came off"!!!!

I was at a Christmas tree farm, chatting with the owner

And he told me that if I could find the tallest, heaviest tree and cut it down, that I could have it for free. I accepted the challenge and found the tallest, heaviest tree, and I cut it down. I dragged it to the front the farm to get it ready to take home and the owner exclaimed , “Wow! That’s my b...

After couple beers, a man at a bar is chatting with the bartender.



"So, how many kegs of beer do you go through in a week?", he asks.

"About twenty," says the bartender.

"I've got a tip that could bring that up to twenty five, if you're interested."

"Absolutely!", says the bartender.

The man looks the bartender in the eyes and sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough st...

Got chatting with a farmer in a pub once.

He was telling me that every sheep he's ever owned has run away, almost as if they don't like him. He said it's hard not to take it personally.

"Every sheep?" I asked.

"Yes", he said. "Every single sheep I've ever owned has run away."

"Well, that sounds like a ewe problem."

Two girlfriends are chatting.

“Have you heard about the new husband shopping centre in town?" one asks. "It's a four-floor building where women can go to choose a husband from hundreds of eligible men. The only rule is, once you go up a floor, you can't go down, except to leave the place never to return. Let's try it out."
<...

Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the thi...

A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.

He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"

The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler is sitting in hell with Stalin and Satan chatting...

Satan asks them if either of them have any regrets.

Hitler: You know, I do.

Stalin + Satan: Really?!?!

Hitler: Yea, you know if I could do it all over again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.

Satan: What?

Stalin: Why a dog?

Hitler: See! I told you no one gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A cucumber a pickle and a penis are chatting

About how hard life is.

The cucumber says you both got it easy they chop me up and put me in salads.

The pickle pipes up and says no way, my life is way harder I was once big and strong like you cucumber, but I've been drowned in a jar of vinigar until I shrivel up and become this mo...

Wife and Husband chatting.

Wife: Did you know that water is the most essential element of life.?


Husband: Yes of course, because without water you can't make beer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends are chatting, drinking beer...

The first one says: "lately, I only have sex with my wife once a month..."
The second: "me--once a week..."
The third: "me—two, even three times a week!”
The first: “dude, come on! You don’t even have a wife!!”
3rd: “wait a minute, I thought we were talking about YOUR wife!!!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys chatting in a pub......

First guy says, "I committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning. Stopped at the travel agent and the girl had fantastic breasts.I accidentally asked for two Titties to Toronto"

The other guy responds "I know the feeling mate. This morning I meant to ask my wife to pass the cornflakes and a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bunch of guys chatting at the pub....

One of them says "Things are crook at home fellas, the missus is charging me $50 a time for sex".



One of his mates replies "$50? That's pretty good mate-she charges us $100"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Blonde Girls chatting.

Blonde 1: I understand how you get Bob from Robert


& Bill from William, but how do you get Dick from Richard?


Blonde 2: Show him your Pussy.....

I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive posh-looking girl the other night,

so I asked her,“Do you always give guys such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?”

“That’s my business!” she snapped back at me.

“Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t realise,” I responded. “How much?”

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend….

He was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old guys chatting.

First guy: The wife and I fuck like rabbits every night.

Second guy: You lucky bastard, I get it once a month, and I call it the Bruce Lee night.

First guy: Why the fuck do you call it that for?

Second guy: Because it's the night I enter the dragon.

A couple of guys were chatting over a beer.

"Hey Larry, going away on vacation again?"

“Yes, but you know how I've asked you the past 3 years for vacation ideas for me and my wife?"

“Sure, I remember.”

"I need to ask for something a little different this year.”

“Go ahead... ask me.”

"Well, you know how las...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 old man we’re chatting at the retirement home

The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble."

The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every mornin...

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two checkout cashiers are chatting at work

One says to the other, "You can always tell the married fellas from the single ones, can't you?"

The other cashier asks how and she replies, "Watch the next person who walks up."

Just then a man approaches and from his basket produces one tin of beans, one loaf of bread, one pint of mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mailman is delivering the mail to one of the houses on his route when he and the woman who lives there begin chatting. As the conversation continues, he notices a sheet hanging up in the middle of the living room with a small hole in it.

The mailman says, “So, may I ask what’s with the sheet hanging up?” She says, “Ahh yes. Last night we had a bunch of folks over and decided to play a game. The men got on one side of the sheet and the women got on the other. The men took turns putting their cocks in the hole and then the women would...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little ...

Captain Kirk and Spock are chatting one day...

Kirk: " Spock you always remain so calm and even handed when talking with people who are obviously less intelligent than you. How do you do it? "

Spock: " Well Captain I simply agree with whatever they say."

Kirk: " What? That's absolutely ridiculous! "

Spock: " I completely ...

I was chatting with a guy when he told me he's bi and walked away

I wonder to this day what he wanted to tell me before such an abrupt exit

Black tarmac and red tarmac at chatting at a bar

Black tarmac: No one messes with me.

Red tarmac: Yeah? How come?

Black tarmac: I'm black tarmac, I'm the toughest tarmac, tougher than any other

Green tarmac walks in, and black tarmac cowers behind red tarmac as green tarmac orders a drink, drinks it and leaves.

Black ta...

A man was chatting with his friend.

\-"Guess what happened! I found this woman tied to the railroad tracks. I untied her, and then we made love all night!"

\-"That's amazing dude! What did she look like?"

\-"I don't know, I never found her head."

3 hookers are chatting in a bar

The first says "I've worked it so much I can fit a squash up there." The second says "that's nothing, I can stick a melon up mine." The third just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Stormtrooper and a Twi’lek prostitute are chatting after sex

She says to him, “You know, I’ve fucked guys from the Empire and from the Resistance and I’m more partial to you Imperials.”

“Why is that?” Asks the stormtrooper.

“Well you guys always seem to last longer.”

“Is that so? Whats wrong with the Rebels?”

“Well,” she says with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old guys chatting.

First guy said, I had a terrible sleep last night, I was tossing and turning all night long.

Second guy said, I slept like a baby, woke up, no hair, no teeth and I'd fucking shit myself.

A cow and a cat are chatting in a field...

...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.

The cat walks off smarmily and says, "Well, see you later, prime rib."

And the cow replies, "Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken."

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah

I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."

I was chatting to my mate from Liverpool.

Me: So what have you got your kids for Christmas?

Him: I got the youngest a trampoline and the

other 2 a bike each I found on the internet.

Me: What website were they on?

Him: Google Earth Street View.

Two elderly couples are chatting over tea.

Afterwards, as the women excuse themselves and return the dishes to the kitchen, one of the men turns to the other and tells him about a fantastic dinner he and his wife had enjoyed the other evening.
The second man then asks him where they ate.
"Hmm," ponders the first man. "You know that fl...

A man and a blonde are chatting in an elevator.

"What are you up to today?" he asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20 a pint."

"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."

The blonde gets a strange look...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two neighbourhood ladies were chatting over the fence

Suddenly, one of them says, "OMG, my husband will be home in a minute. I must rush home and make his dinner". She runs into the house and grabs the first thing she sees, a can of dog food.Sticks it in the micro-wave, heats it up and places it before him just in time for his dinner.

Next day s...

Bill Clinton and Bill Cosby are chatting...

Cosby: Have you ever had a cigar dipped in brandy?

Clinton: No, but I once had a cigar dipped in Monica.

Cosby: Now, why didn't I think of that...

Two eggs are chatting in a fridge

The first one says: eeewwww, look at the egg in the corner, it’s completly rotten. The second egg replies: yes, you’re right, it’s green and covered with hair, sooo disgusting.
The third egg turns around, rolls his eyes and declares: I am a kiwi, stupid...

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting ...

Two cannibals are chatting

Greg: "I killed and ate a missionary yesterday, but he didn't taste very good".

Jerry: "That's too bad. What did he look like"?

Greg: "The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals".

Jerry: "And how did you cook him?"

Greg: "I just tossed him in a giant pot of boiling water...

I was chatting up this girl in a bar

She asked me what I did for a living

“I work with animals” I replied

“Oh cute, are you a vet” she asked

“No, I’m a butcher”

Two blondes are chatting in a bar.

Eventually it's time for one to leave. She'd kicked off her shoes whilst sitting. As she slipped them back on the second blonde noticed an R and an L on them.
"Hey, what are those letters for, " she asked.
"Oh it's so i get them on the correct feet. L for left and R for right."
The second...

An old granny and her grand daughter are chatting about granpa

-Did you love him, granma?
-Oh yes, i loved him so much. He was all my life, even tough he was so lazy.
-How come?
-You see, everytime there was something not working, he would never do anything about It. "Al, the sink Is broken." "Do i look like a plumber?" He would reply. "Hon, a brick fe...

A Blonde and a Brunette chatting.

Brunette says Christmas falls on a Friday this year.

Blonde says "I hope it's not the 13th"

Two old guys were chatting in the park.

"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy.
"What happened?" asked the other guy.
"We met," sighed the first.

Two detective bees are chatting around the hive water cooler...

Detective Bee 1: So, what happened with that poor kid that got mugged this morning?

Detective Bee 2: Eh, victim’s pretty rattled. Can’t even tell me if it was two bees or not two bees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

English Man, Irish Man and a Scotsman chatting.

English man says, in my local pub, you buy one drink you get 2 free.

Scotsman says, in my local pub you buy 2 drinks you get 5 free.

Irish man says that is nothing, in my local pub, you buy one drink and you are treated to free drink all night long, and afterwards you go to a room and ...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got chatting to this girl online once, we swapped nudes.

"Ja Ja Ja!" she wrote.

"Oh, you're German?" I asked.

My face when she wrote "Spanish"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are chatting over a pint

Bob turns to John and says, "You're looking down in the dumps, what's wrong?"
"It's the wife. Since she's started this high-powered job, she's cut our sex down to 3 times a week!"
"You're lucky" remarked Bob. "She's cut me out completely!"

Two guys at a yard sale are chatting, one says “whatcha got there, pal?”

“Fella over there sold me a bunch of dominoes, a paint can, a ball, and a mousetrap”

“What in the hell would you need all that junk for?”

“He said I can use it to crack an egg”

“You’re such a rube, Goldberg”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were chatting.

The Jewish man commented on what a wise people the Chinese are. "Yes, our culture is over 4,000 years old. But you Jews are a very wise people, too." The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old." The Chinese man couldn't believe it. "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chatting up a woman at a bar

I said "my dick is like a computer"
She said "what, you mean it's powerful with lots of ram?"
"Nah, its microsoft & full of viruses".

Three friends are chatting while having a drink

The first one says "My wife just gave birth to our fourth son, just one more and I can start a basketball team."

The second one says "I got you beat, my wife just gave birth to our tenth son, just one more and I can start a soccer team."

The third one then replies "That's nothing, my ...

Pick a super power

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and starts chatting the bartender up. "If you could have any superpower which one would you want?" he asks the bartender. "Cold war Russia, I guess," the bartender replies.

Two bros were chatting it up at the gym between sets.

1: hey bro, you won’t believe it.
2: what, bro?
1: someone stole all my protein powder
2: no whey!

I was chatting to a graphic designer about invitations for the baby’s christening.

“How about comic sans?” I said “Oh no” she scoffed, “for this occasion we’re gonna need a baptismal font”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went for a Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter.

He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a Kamikaze pilot and his Code Name was 'Chow Mein'. I said "correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?"

To which he replied, "Yes but I was Chicken Chow Mein."....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

Two eight year old boys are chatting...

Boy 1: 'I found a used condom on our patio this morning.'
Boy 2: 'What's a patio?'

C major (one of the popular scales) is chatting with a fellow partygoer when D major walks in.

C major is a friend, so she decides to pay her a compliment.

"You look sharp!", she says.

"Thanks! I love the natural look!"

At this, the lady scale she was chatting with leaves, flustered.

"Who was that?", D major asks, confused.

"Oh, Just Bb major. Can't take a j...

Three Southern Ladies Are Chatting In A Hair Salon

First lady says "I call my man Sugar"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so sweet"

Second lady says "I call my man Tree"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so big and firm"

The third lady says "I call my man Courvoisier"

The others a ask "Courvois...

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mick, Sean and Paddy are chatting in the bar.

Mick says: Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!"

Sean says: "That's nothing, my wife's on a diet and she' not even fat"

Paddy says: "That's fuck all, my wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!"

I got chatting to this lumberjack the other day

He seemed like a decent feller

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was chatting up a girl at a bar, and I told her I had a joke about my penis.

"It's really long, though", I said.

"That's ok", she said. "I have a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it."

Two mathematicians were chatting online...

1st mathematician: Gimme 5!
2nd mathematician: 120

Two mice meet and start chatting...

“Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.

“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”

“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”

Two friends are chatting when one says 'I had a date with identical twins last night' the other friend asks 'any luck?'

'Yes and no' replied the friend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two souls are chatting in heaven

One asks the other about its past lives.

"Well,after I'd died in my last to last life, God gave me a choice to be reborn. I said yes. He gave me a form with 3 options with checkboxes next to them and a submit button.

He said, "Choose only 2, son. You have earned a good life through pas...

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dumb blondes are chatting about their latest sexual adventures

Blonde 1: Last weekend I had sex with 2 Mexican guys at the same time.

Blonde 2: Oh yeah? Last weekend I had sex with a Brazilian!

Blonde 1: (completely in shock) Holy shit! How many is a Brazillion?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are chatting about thier girlfriends.

The Italian man says, 'When I've finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches above da bed in ecstasy'.

His French friend replies, 'Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze wa...

A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.

At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."

She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You bloody men all the same...

"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at ...

Rod and Keith, two linguists, are chatting about life...

Rod and Keith, two linguists, are chatting about life when Rod slips in a linguistic pun. Keith is not impressed and points out why the pun was so bad. The conversation continues and Rod tries to deftly insert another pun. Again, without even cracking a smile, Keith starts pointing out all the flaws...

Two guys are chatting

When the topic of jobs comes up.

Man 1: "What do you do for a living?"

Man 2: "I hunt down and kill zombies."

Man 1: "That's crazy! Zombies don't exist!"

Man 2: "Have you ever seen a zombie?"

Man 2: "No..."

Man 1: "You're welcome."

I was chatting up this woman.

I said, "You're the sort of woman I could introduce to my mum."

"Aww," she smiled, "Can you?"

I said, "Of course, I'll drive us to the cemetery tomorrow."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.