Small Talk Jokes - 58 Hilarious Small Talk Jokes

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Small talk.

Girl in a supermarket says to a guy.

Girl: Hi there:

Guy: Do I know you?

Girl: I think you're the Father of one of my Kids:

Guy: are you the stripper that I made love to on the pool table and I whipped your ass while all my buddies were watching?

Girl: No I'm your ...

My mailman is very reticent and avoids small talk.

He is a man of few words but a lot of letters.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

Small talk

The year is 2097. In the midst of a nuclear war, two babies are sent from Earth in a pod to an empty SpaceX bunker on Mars in the hopes they will survive and continue the human race.

After years in isolation and with packaged food becoming scarce, the young humans decided to venture out onto ...

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

I’m not much of a small talk guy so on the first date I asked:

If money wasn’t a problem what would you be doing right now?

Her: having dinner alone

A couple came up to Rodney Dangerfield for an autograph. Trying to make small talk, they said "Whaddya think? We just got married!"

Rodney: "You both could've done better!"

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A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

When small talk with the neighbors gets awkward.

I live in the Bible Belt and took a stroll around the neighborhood earlier in the week. At the turnaround an old man with a walker was getting the mail. He asked me my name and we engaged in some small talk.

 

I was about to leave, but his wife came outside so I stayed and sai...

After a few drinks and small talk, she invited him back to her apartment.

Just before they turned out the light, he asked, "how do you like your eggs in the morning?"

"Unfertilised," she replied.

After weeks of small talk, I accidentally slept with my co-worker and it went terribly

Usually we take shifts but today bossman came over and we were both dozing off

A boy went on a date with a girl.

He was a little nervous, but he remembered some advice from his father, that three never-fail subjects for small talk are food, family, and philosophy.

"So," he asks, "do you like noodles?"

"Nah."

"Ah."

Try again. "Do you have any brothers?"

"Nope."

"Ah....

I stopped throwing cheesy jokes during small talks

everyone around me is laughtose intolerant

The other day during lunch break I saw one of my colleagues playing some kind of war game on his smartphone. As I poured my coffee I asked him about the game he was playing and we started small talking. Few minutes into our small talk he stated that so far he'd spend $700 in in game purchases.

I bursted into a loud laughter while shouting how that was the stupidest thing and biggest waste of money I've ever heard of!

Man, I was still laughing out loud in disbelief walking off and even still chuckling as I entered the smoking room

A Russian man was making small talk with his wife about the weather...

"Looks like rain today doesn't it?" but his wife insisted...

"Rudy, my love, the weatherman says it will clear up before lunch."

"No, zayka, I feel it in my bones. It is going to rain."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Oh, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear..."

A guy walks up to a woman at a bar. He flirts with her and made some small talk but she insists she isn't gonna go home with him

"What if I offer you $1 millon to sleep with me?" He asked

The woman's never had a millon dollars in her life. She stops and considers the offer very seriously.

The guy changes his mind and says

"What if I change my offer to a dollar instead?"

The woman is aghast

"...

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

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Young man moves into an apartment block….

On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.

One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.

S...

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Told by my friend years ago in high school [long] [nsfw]

Okay so let me start out by saying when telling this joke, you insert the name of the person you are telling it too. For this joke I will use the name John Johnson as it is the most generic name I can think of. Now for the joke.

Three men were standing in a bar, making small talk. The fir...

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

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Three young men hit on a hot woman at a club.

After a few drinks and a lot of small talk, she brings them back to her place and says she's going to change into something more comfortable. When she reappears, she's wearing a skintight leather suit.

"You boys want to know what I do for fun?" she asks, a malicious grin creeping across her f...

An unhappy couple go to a marriage counselor

He tries to work with them, but they absolutely refuse to talk about anything in front of each other. The counselor gets fed up, gets his bass out, and starts playing it.

The couple sit there looking at each other dumbfounded. The counselor keeps playing. After several minutes of this, the c...

A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.

In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.

The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his ...

A policeman goes home to his wife

A policeman goes home to his wife in the evening after work. Exhausted, he enters the dark bedroom and strips out of his uniform, leaving it on the floor. He looks for the light switch but figures his wife is laying in bed and decides not to disturb her. Just before he's about to get into bed, his w...

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A horse walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English. He tells the horse,

"I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the ba...

Weekly cult meetings

A cult holds weekly meetings and all members are expected to attend regularly. This week only two cultists show up. After waiting awkwardly for awhile making small talk, they realize no one else is coming.

Both of them are getting nervous and they admit to each other they missed last weeks c...

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Italians do it better

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Luigi was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he...

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I got talking to a guy at a party who happened to be a police officer.

We got beyond small talk and had a few drinks together.

"Do you like jokes?" he asked me, checking around.

I said, "Sure."

"Alright," he replied, "I've got a good one."

"Let's hear it."

He leaned in and whispered. "What sort of shoes does a rapist wear?"

He ...

Two Women are at the Vet

Two women are sitting in the waiting room at the Vet. The first woman has a Great Dane and the second has a Chihuahua. The First woman wanting to make small talk asks the lady with the chihuahua “what brings you in here today?”

“This year was the first time I ever hosted Christmas for my fami...

A pastor is looking forward to dinner with a family in his congregation….

After church on Sunday, the pastor approaches the family and confirms their dinner the coming Friday. After making small talk for a few minutes, the pastor turns to the couple’s 5yo. “Have your parents told you what they will be making for us on Friday?”
The child thinks a second and replies, “Go...

A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he p...

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Israeli tourist

An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that p...

A kiss for $100 dollars

A husband decides to make a quick run to the store, while his wife waits at home. A few minutes after he leaves the house, his guy friend shows up, hoping to speak with him.

Seeing that the husband is not home, the friend says he’ll come back later but is invited in by the wife. As the two o...

The Bottle of Wine

Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car...

Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together

Best friends Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together. While Peter was very smart, Paul had a difficult time with schoolwork, so Peter would let him copy his homework to make sure he could pass his classes.

As the time approached for their interview with the bishop, Pau...

A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

After making small talk the man asks the lady where she's headed.

" I'm going to the blood bank. They're paying 10 dollars to everyone who donates blood this week. " she responded.

The man responded back, " Oh, what a coincidence. I'm headed to the sperm bank. They are paying 100 do...

Potentially funny joke

One day I went to the pet store and picked up some bird seeds. Then, as I was standing in line to purchase them, the cashier was trying to make some small talk with me and I asked, "So how long does it take for the birds to actually grow?" I wonder why she looked at me funny?

A monkey walks into a bar...

...he orders a pint of beer, and the barman charges him $20. Trying to make small talk the barman says ' we don't get many monkeys in here.' The monkey replied, 'I'm not surprised when you charge $20 a pint.'

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A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...

The rich guy, making small talk, goes

"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"

The poor guy goes:

"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't...

An elderly preacher and his wife of a similar age are ecstatic when she becomes pregnant...

They'd tried for years when they were younger, but after it never happened they'd given up on the idea, deciding it just wasn't in God's plan for them. They told their friends and family the good news.

One of them told the local paper about the miracle child, and since it had been a slow news...

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars...

Naturally, he got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand. He had the sand analyzed at the lab and looked at the sack under a microscope he could never find anything wron...

A gynecologist goes in to see a new patient.

Upon entering, he notices that the new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he decides to break the ice with some small talk.

"Do you know how they make latex gloves?", he asks.

"No", she responds.

The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex tha...

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A girl invites her boyfriend to dinner to meet her family

It's the girl's grandmother's birthday and the whole family sits down for dinner. Things are going well until the boy starts to feel a little gassy and realizes he has to pass a little gas. He adjusts himself on the wooden chair and squeaks out a barely audible fart. His girlfriend's mom looks down ...

A world with the undead

Imagine a world where zombies exist, but they're not dangerous. Just like you and I every day, except they eat brains.
The government has decided that humans can donate their organ to zombies for consumption.
Everything is pretty much back to normal.

A man and a woman end up going on...

So a pimpled man goes to the doctor...

He comes in, but refuses to sit down. The nurse asks if there is anything she could help him with.

He waves her away politely, and holds his suitcase in the air, bumps the top of it and an entire stool comes folding out. He places the stool on the ground and tries to small talk with the nurse...

A man walks into a pub and catches the eye of a beautiful woman sitting alone.

Quickly glancing away, he sits down at the bar to order a drink. He remarks that the woman seems lonely, hoping to make some small talk. To his surprise, the bartender replies,

"Do you think I've got a shot?"

Two Jewish guys go to a Kosher Chinese restaurant.

Their Chinese waiter greeted them in Yiddish, took their order in Yiddish, made small talk with them in Yiddish, gave their order in Yiddish, and took their bill in Yiddish.

On their way out, the two guys tell the restaurant owner what a pleasant surprise it was for them be able to talk with ...

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Two Arabs and a Jew are on a train together ...

They all relax, take off their shoes, and start making small talk. After a while, the Jew says, "Who wants a drink?" The Arabs say they would like orange juice, so he gets up, and goes to buy juice. While he's gone, the Arabs spit in his shoes.

When they reach their destination, they put t...

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A man orders a taxi late at night

He tells the driver where to go and the ride is pretty quiet. The man is not much for small talk and just stares out the window. They are cruising on the freeway when he notices that they missed the exit. "Doesn't matter" he thinks "It's a little around but faster on the freeway" but then he sees th...

A man is hitchhiking on a lonely road.

After a good while an old beat up truck stops and picks him up and after a couple of minutes of small talk the driver ask the man if he wants some booze. Sure he says and gets handed a bottle. When he tries to drink it the smell of bad moonshine overwhelms him and he declined the drink. The old man ...

A Math Professor, an engineer and a butcher goes to their 10 year school reunion

A math professor, an engineer and a butcher goes to their 10 year school reunion. The prof arrives in a small yellow Volkswagen, the engineer arrives in a BMW and the butcher arrives in a Ferrari.

After a bit of small talk the prof and the engineer asks the butcher how he got to buy such a gr...

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Let me tell you a story about why I don’t take hitchhikers anymore

So one time I’m driving down a country road with a friend. A hitchhiker signals us to stop, asks where we are headed and we agree to give him a ride.

Now the guy has a huge bag. I’m talking about the same size as a person kind of bag, we had trouble fitting it in the back. But at this point ...

A Southern man goes into a New England bar.

He orders a beer and, making small talk, asks the bartender, "Did y'all go to Hahvurd?"

The bartender replies, "Yale."

"Okay," says the Southern man. "DID Y'ALL GO TO HAHVURD?"

An older gentleman orders three shots - one for him, and one for each of his brothers back home in Ireland.

He explains to the bartender "I had to move to America to help my wife care for her in-laws, and I miss my family back home. So I'm having a shot here for my brother Seamus, and another for my brother Michael." He downs the three shots, makes a little more small talk with the bartender, and heads ...

Donald Trump is on his first state visit to Angela Merkel in Berlin...

After a bit of small talk, he asks Merkel, which is the secret of her great success.

Merkel tells him that you only need to have many intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so soon, if someone is intelligent?" Asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate," Merkel answers.

She...

I went to a haunted house last night

The scariest part was making small talk with the staff

The Truck Driver and the Priest

In a small town outside of a big city, there was this truck driver who hated Lawyers. Now I mean like he really hated them lawyers. So whenever he was driving, he would intentionally swerve to hit them. Now, one day, he was driving his normal route, when he spots a priest on the side of the road. So...

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