(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the Saddest Stories I’ve Ever Heard

The HighSchool Girls National diving team’s plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.

Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a wor...

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking on the street when another falls right next him; on his feet, unharmed.

"Wow! How did you do that?"
"Well, actually anyone can do it," says the fallen man. "I'm a Geophysicist, I study areas of low gravity.
There is one in this precise spot. Anyone can jump from that rooftop and land slowly and unscathed.
I see you don't believe me. Let me demonstrate one...

A man falls down on a street from fifth floor, but seems to be relatively unharmed and manages to stand up.

People run up to him and ask: “Are you all right?! What happened?!”

The man answers: “I don’t know, I just got here myself”.

A woman is giving birth on a boat

The baby comes out, but a sudden wave causes the boat to rock and the child is sent tumbling overboard into the ocean. The parents are horrified, until they see that the child is miraculously floating in the water, completely unharmed.

It’s a buoy.

Russian Conductor

(TL;DR at bottom, it's a long joke)

So a Russian train engineer is barreling down a track, and doesn't slow down for three people crossing, killing them instantly. He gets the electric chair as punishment. For what should be his last meal, he asks for a banana. He gets his request, and is ele...

Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here's a joke.



There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.


As the dust in the air settled, they sudde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This little old Jewish grandma took her precious grandson Michael to the beach. A a giant wave rolled up and washed little Michael into the sea.

Grandma falls to her knees, clasps her hands and looks up to the heavens and screams to God, "Lord, bring back my grandson and I'll be the best person in the world. I'll sell my stocks and give the money to the poor, I'll never say an angry word again. I will keep the Sabbath and pay all my employee...

Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies.

I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He is stopped in his tracks at the pearly gates by St Peter.

"My child, you are not yet permitted to enter Heaven," St Peter says.

"May I know why not?" the man asks.

"Well, you see, our database has not been updated yet and the current indication here is that you have not done ...

A Conductor composes am orchestra for king Jon un himself.

It takes them weeks, and it is the best orchestra that North Korea has ever seen. But when it came time to show him their original masterpiece, they flop. It’s absolutely horrible. So king Jon un sends the conductor to the electric chair to be executed.

The conductor is asked what he wishes f...

A joke for people with grandmothers

A grandmother is at the beach, watching her young grandson playing in the surf. Suddenly a huge wave comes in, picks him up, and carries him far out from shore, where he quickly goes under.

The woman is frantic. She drops to her knees and says, "Dear God, if you save my grandson, I swear I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

A doctor was telling a colleague about a patient who had come in from a terrible car accident.

"They were losing a lot of blood and had to be operated on right away. The other passengers from the accident came in with them, but were mostly unharmed. As I saw to the patient, a nurse got information from the others involved in the accident, apparently a brother and sister, Augustus and Beatrice...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Rangers, the Marines and the Police were doing training...

They all were out in the forest and the secretary of defense said "Listen up, your objective today is go out into the woods and bring me back a rabbit".

The Rangers went first, moving quickly and quietly through the trees. Within 5 minutes they brought back a little white rabbit unharmed....

I heard a story once about an American train driver.

He was operating a late night train and feel asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognize a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All aboard the man train

One day, a group of 4 male villagers dressed in loincloth were wandering in the woods. One of them was carrying an empty can.

They soon came across a shallow river full of genital-eating fish. One of them asked how they can cross to the other side of the river safely and have their penises i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

Somewhere over the Alps...

A strictly vegetarian airliner crashes during a storm. A large portion of the passengers and crew receive serious brain damage, while a few are mostly unharmed. With so little food on-board, these few are given a choice: Eat the others, or do the morally correct thing and try to survive on what they...

Three men arrive at the pearly gates of heaven (NSFW, LONG, I don’t know how to do the tag things)

St John comes out and says to the men, “Heaven has become too full, as such we’re only taking in people who had tragic deaths.” He turns to the first man and says, “How did you die then?”
“Well I knew my wife was having an affair,” the fist man begins, “and I came home to find her lying naked on ...

A man walks into a bar on the 50th floor

As he goes through the door, a slight chime sounds. He heads for the bar and orders a beer. As time goes by, he hears the chime again, and turns to see another man arriving. The other man immediately heads for the bar, and orders a double scotch on the rocks.

The other man empties the glass i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a woman with 90 children.

She had so many children that she decided, instead of giving them normal names, she would give them numbers. So the oldest was named One, and the youngest was named Ninety
One day, while everyone was asleep, a fire broke out in their house. Luckily, Ninety was able to wake up and flee the house u...

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was outside of a bar smoking a cigarette...

And I see this man walking an alligator on a leash and harness. As he aproaches the bar to enter, the bouncer stops him and says "hey man, are you serious? You can't bring that gator in here."
The man replies "come on he's on a leash and he is very well trained. I just want to grab one drink and ...

There once was a train

As it went around a slope, it came off the tracks and slid into a field.

The passengers stepped out unharmed and confronted the train driver.

They asked him what happened and he replied,

"Nothing. All happened according to plan."

The passengers were now furious, and one s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

A good joke for the guys

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.

He says to the other patrons, "Here's the deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and insert my genitals. The gator will close his mouth for one full minute, then open it, and i'll remove my unit unscathed . If it works everyone buys me drinks."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fine, different alligator joke.

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender says, "hey man you can't have that in here it's dangerous!" The man says, "No no! He's not, look I can prove it that he's not dangerous." The bartender says, "okay, if you can prove that your alligator isn't dangerous, you can keep it ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It had been a great night at the circus, but the climax was yet to come...

For the grand finale, the crocodile tamer came to the center of the tent. He let the crocodile do some tricks before letting him jump on the table, preparing for the great climax.

The tamer asked the audience for absolute silence. He opened the jaws of the crocodile, pulled out his penis, and...

I was telling 'dumb blonde' jokes in a bar.

Suddenly a muscular blonde-haired man ran right at me with a sharp razor and screamed "I've had just about enough of you!" Luckily for me, I was left completely unharmed, as he couldn't find a place to plug it in.

My go-to joke...

500 bricks on a plane and one falls out, how many are left ?

499.



How do you put an elephant in the fridge ?

Open the door, put in the elephant, clse the door.



How do you put a giraffe in the fridge ?

Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the...

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator.

He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn't make this 4 years ago. This might not be the worst joke. I'm posting again for the ones who read the original by the original poster...this is my version to pay homage

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known porn star, and the other is a lazy ass. Lazy ass doesn't have a job and just likes to sit around the house. One Sunday, the porn star is angry and thirsty. He decides to make the brother do something useful....

A man walks into a bar,

He walks away mostly unharmed except for a medium sized bruise on his forehead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A robber tried to rob a bank with a gun

When he got inside he shot a few blanks in the air and shouted "Everyone get on the ground!"

And everyone did, except for one pregnant lady who was too slow.

Bang! Bang! Bang!
The shots rang through the air as the woman was shot thrice in the stomach

The woman was later taken...

Little boy was always interested in trains

From the day he could grasp the idea, he had been interested in them. The way they worked, the way they moved, the different kinds. He had decided at a young age that he wanted to be a train conductor.

The time eventually came when he got his dream job for a busy passenger transit line. His ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fine conductor.

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest piece...

Donald Trump is convicted of treason

His punishment is hanging. On the day of his execution, the rope is tied around his neck as thousands watch. The floor drops, but Trump is unharmed. The noose was fake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and an alligator walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Whoa man, you can't have an alligator in here!"
The man replies, "Don't worry, its a trained alligator."
Bartender, "I don't care if its trained or not, you can't have a fucking alligator in a bar."
Man, "Alright, check this out." The man then opens the alligator's mout...

So there's this musician.....

So theres this musician who is incredibly gifted. Any instrument he touches he can instantly play at a masters level. Unfortunately for the musician he lived in a country ruled by a dictator. One day the dictator learns of the musician's talent and has the musician brought before him.

The dic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW wife in a coma

A man and his wife are driving down a country lane when a deer runs in front of them, causing them to swerve and hit a tree. The husband is unharmed in the incident but the woman unfortunately hits her head and enters a coma.


Months roll by and the woman still remains coma stricken, with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] So a man walks into a pet store, searching for a companion.

The man sees this brightly colored parrot on display, but there's a problem, the store owner tells the man. You see, this parrot's last owner was a foul-mouth, and the bird's vocabulary is crude, to say the least.

But the man is lonely, and his life is boring. The parrot might spice things ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and Satan had been arguing constantly about who had better computer skills...

They had been yelling and screaming at each other for months.

Finally God grew tired of the arguing and he said, "Let's see who can code the best program in only one hour." He snapped, the world went blank, and there was nothing but two computers and two desks side by side. Satan and Jesus sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A millionaire wants his daughter to marry...

So he decideds to host a competition for a small town nearby.
"To any man who can swim across this Piranha infested pool of water unharmed, may have my daughter's hand in marriage."
20 men line up next to the pool and stand there to scared to move. Suddenly a man jumps into the water and is sw...

A man touched a bare wire to see what would happen. What happened next shocked him.

He remained unharmed.

Devil's Challenge

I haven't heard this one in ages but it's been a favorite of mine for many many years....

Three men are walking through the desert. As they're traveling along, a giant hole randomly appears and swallows them up.

They fall for what seems like ages. And abruptly land completely unharme...

I read this joke in a book of Jewish humor some years ago.

An elderly Jewish woman was about to board an El Al flight from JFK to Tel Aviv, carrying her little lap dog in a cage, covered by a blanket. The gate agent informed her that there was no way she could carry the dog aboard the plane, but assured her the dog would be perfectly safe in the luggage co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella is late for the ball when her period comes.

To her great relief, her fairy godmother is able to fashion a magic tampon out of a pumpkin. But she warns her, “you MUST be home before midnight, or it will turn right back!”

Midnight comes and goes, and the fairy godmother goes from angry to terribly worried. At 5 am Cinderella shows up, sm...

An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s an amazing night at the circus.

Everybody is enjoying themselves. The clowns did alot of silly tricks, the acrobats did crazy stuff, and the lion did the arbitrary jump through the “ring of fire”.
It now was time for the big finale. A woman came on stage with a crocodile. She ordered the crocodile to open his mouth. As he opens...

Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota

Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."

Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with an alligator.

A man walks in to a bar with an alligator. He says to the entire bar "I bet you all a round of drinks that I can put my testicles in this alligators mouth for 10 seconds, and remove them unharmed!" Everyone shrugs and says why not.
The man drops his pants, opens the gators mouth, inserts his bal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Out to Sea

So there were these two Irish guys who decided they should go to the bar. The bar was right across the river but the nearest bridge was a few miles down the road. They agreed that they could just take a rowboat across and save time.

About the time they are crossing the river, a storm come...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dangerous trick

Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!

Than guy asks the audience:
if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor....

....so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dr...

A Shlep on the Beach

A woman is at the beach with her grandson when a huge wave suddenly washes the boy out to sea. Grief-stricken, she falls on her knees, looks up to the sky and implores: "Oh God, return my grandson to me and I'll give all my money to the synagogue and devote my life to prayer and good works!"
...

There was this musician in North Korea....

One day he was called upon by Kim Jong Un to compose a piece of music and have the Great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the Humble Auditorium.

The musician, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked and got to work composing a piece of music. One week later, on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ship wrecks on an island

There were only three survivors and they lost all their supplies in the wreck. They decide to head out into the jungle to look for food and water when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to camp to meet before the chief.

The chief has all three of them in front of h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Convert Today! Earn $5000.

(More Jewish inspired jokes)

These two rabbis are walking down the street. As they're walking, they pass a church with a large banner hanging above them that says across it:

CONVERT TODAY! EARN $5000.

The rabbis are perplexed by this. There is no way that this could be the real ...

A Jewish Grandmother and her Grandson are walking on the beach...

When a wave comes over the grandson and takes him under. The grandmother falls to her knees and begs, "Oh God! Please bring back my grandson!"

Another wave crashes, and the grandson is soaked, but otherwise unharmed. The grandmother looks to the skies and says, "Where's his hat?"

A train carrying republicans to a retreat crashed into a garbage truck.

It's all ok everybody. The trash was completely unharmed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men and their donkeys meet in a city.

"Nice donkey," says the first man.

"Thank you," the second man replies, "his name is Forever. Unfortunately, he only listens to instructions given in German, so I must sell him."

He begins to walk away. The first man calls out.

"Hey! I speak German. Let's trade donkeys--but be w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman...

A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her, "I have good and bad news for you. You are going to hav...

Two Cars Crash

A man and lady crashed into each other while driving one day and unfortunately, the man was seriously injured. The lady only suffered minor injuries and so ran to the man's car to attempt to aid him. She successfully made the wound on his leg stop bleeding and naturally the man was very grateful, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Walks Into A Bar With An Alligator On A Leash.

The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!" The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained. Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."

The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead. The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table. By this point, eve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a bar in the top floor of a high rise building.

When he approches the bar, a man infront of him orders a scotch and proceeds to walk to the window where he jumps out. Shocked and horrified the man runs to the window and sees no sign of the man. He orders his drink and try to process what just happend.


About an hour later the window ju...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buttermilk pancakes and an orange Popsicle

There once was a man who loved trains more than anything else in the world. Ever since he was a boy, he would play with his toy trains and dream of driving trains for a real train company.



So, when he turned 18, he packed his bags and waved goodbye to his family. He headed out the doo...

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Their captors take them to a mine field and tell them that if they can escape to the checkpoint on the other side, they are free to go. To do so they offer them each whatever transport they want to cr...

The moral of the story...

A rich, eccentric man wanted to invest his money, and keep it safe.

He decided to invest in antique furniture, but not just any furniture. He would buy the best and fanciest chairs that could be found only in the finest castles of the world.

He wanted to be sure his collection...

The year is 2020.

Three men stand at the gates of heaven.
The first man tries to walk in but Saint Peter stops him. "What is your name, and what happened in the five minutes before you died?" To which the man replied "My name is James, and I got to my third story apartment and found my wife covering herself with a...

A Jewish grandmother takes her grandson to the ocean...

The boy, dressed for a blustery day, is frolicking near the shore when a large wave crashes over him and carries him away.

The grandmother frantically searches but cannot find him. She weeps and hails above crying out to whatever force might listen "why, why, why, please he is only an inno...

Bob and Sean Connery were walking one day...

Bob and Sean Connery were walking one day. The leaves were turning in the trees, and the sun was shining through them.

"I shay!" Sean Connery said, "What a day to be outshide. It's shimply beautiful, ishn't it?"

"Absolutely," his friend Bob replied, admiring their surroundings. Though ...

There was once a millionaire who collected a large amount of alligators as pets.

One day he held a party and came up with a proposition. He said if anyone could swim across the alligator infested pool and emerge unharmed he would pay them $1 million or give them his beautiful daughter's hand in marriage.

Immediately after he finished saying this he heard a splash and the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is vacactioning at a country club and decides to visit a local pub.

He sits down and orders a drink and notices a large jar full of cash at the end of the bar. Curious, he asked the bartender what it's for.

"Well, you see, we have a tradition here..." the bartender responds. "You put $10 in the jar. If you can pass three trials, you win all the money."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a parallel universe the world is ruled by a fascist government.

Every year the Supreme Dictator is entertained on his birthday by way of a grand concert performed by the Great Orchestra.

On the 50th birthday of the Supreme Dictator the Great Orchestra's performance is being guided by a new and young music director by the name of Saba Saging.

The wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

SUPER DRUNK MAN JOKE

This Guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down and chugs a large beer, walks over the window and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the same guy walks into the bar again with not even a scratch on him and repeats the process again.

Every five minute he repeats...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drunk Guy at a bar

In the middle of a large city sits a bar on the top floor of the city's tallest building.

In the bar there are several people drinking, having a good time.

One guy is sitting at a table looking at his surroundings when he sees a man go up to the edge of the roof and jump off.

He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When heaven was full...

God ordered the angel at the gate to only let people in who have died horrible deaths into heaven. So the angel asked the first man who came up, "How did you die?"

The first man replied, "You see, I was coming home from work early this day because I suspected my wife of cheating on me, and I ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.