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Hostages Jokes

why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down?

cause it's a fell-on-knee

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How many hostages does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, but it sure as hell isn't seven. My basement is *still* dark.

What do my hostages and humour have in common?

They're both pretty dark

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One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]

Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.

They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrori...

Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference

Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour.

What's the difference between Isis hostages and Isis terrorists?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drones...

What did the comedian turned kidnapper say to his hostages?

It's nice to have a captive audience.

A terrorist starts a hostage situation on Sesame Street

The terrorist is on the phone with the hostage negotiator, who asks him how many hostages the terrorist has.

The terrorist says: "I gotta count".

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

The Cechnyan mob kidnaps two Czechs, two Irishmen, two Englishmen, and two Americans.

A ransom note is sent to each respective countries' embassy, demanding the equivalent of $25 million,or they will kill the hostages.

After two weeks, they receive responses from each embassy.

The English, Irish, and American embassy all state that they do not negotiate with terrorist...

A bank robber robs a bank.

Before leaving, he turns to one of the hostages and asks:

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Yes." replies the hostage.

The robber then shoots the hostage and turns to another one.

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Uh, yes?" says the hostage.

The robber s...

A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.

He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint.
"Run that way!" he shouts. They run down the street with the gunman following.
"Turn there!" he says, pointing to a dark alley to one side.
All three run to the dead-end of the alley. The gunman pushes the hostages against a wall. He poin...

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.

The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

An old Russian WW2 joke

This is an old Russian WW2 joke that my grandfather loved to tell.

During high-casualty battles between Germans and Russians, the Russian general gets surprised by the commander of a tiny platoon who wants to hand over hundreds of German prisoners. When investigating the prisoners closer, h...

Whos on first recreation

Hello 911 what's your emerengcy?

There's some people over here robing the bank

Sir I got you using your cellphone where's the bank?

It's the Wellsfargo on Main st

Are you inside the building?

Yeah I'm hiding but they have hostages

Ok sir stay on the line I'm...

I'm the captain now...

I work for a large shipping company. While in international waters, a small boat collided with our giant ship. Next thing we know, we're over run with armed people. I saw one in the captains quarters and they were talking. The captain shook his head no and pointed to a sign. The armed men calmly got...

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

Bush, the Queen, Putin and Borisov are in front of 4 banks.

So, Bush, The Queen, Putin and bulgaria's very own PM Borisov are standing in front of 4 banks.

They decide to send in their best.

Bush sends in his best marine platoon, and after 2 hours they come out with all the cash.

The queen sends in her best SAS platoon, and after an hour...

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I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

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My American friend told me this

So There was a bank robbery with three hostages. A woman was pregnant but shot 3 times. She was rushed to hospital. She was fine same with here children. The doctor said to the proud mother the children will pee out bullets when they are 15. Well they all turned fifteen and were very healthy. The ...

Working Redditors: What is your favorite joke about your own profession?

Retired U.S. Air Force here and this is my favorite military joke:

The biggest difference between the branches of the U.S. Armed Forces is that if you give the order to **"Secure that building!"**

* The Army will kick the doors down, enter with weapons drawn, eliminate all hostiles...

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

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A Joke about Cannibalism

Three men are stranded in the jungle: a French man, A Japanese man, and an American.
In the jungle, they are found and captured by a tribe of Cannibals.
They are taken to a tent in the village and left for many day, until they are skinny and weak. Finally, the chief of the cannibals comes to ...

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