Captain Picard Jokes - 13 Hilarious Captain Picard Jokes

What did Captain Picard say to the engineer when the Enterprise's sewing machine broke?

Make it sew.

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What did Captain Picard give his fiancée?

A ENGAGEment ring

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How many ears does Captain Picard have?

Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.

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Why doesn't Captain Picard have an iPhone

He already has an android, and it came with a data plan.

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The Enterprise-D had just accomplished a major Starfleet mission, so the crew went to celebrate at Ten Forward. Captain Picard and Chief O'Brien were chosen to give the toasts.

First O'Brien gave his toast; "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live."

Next Picard gave his toast; "Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup."

The bartender, Guinan, admired O'Brien's toast, but was absolutely confused by Picard's.

So O'Brien explain...

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What's the difference between Captain Picard, a scared female pig, a loose thread, and the likelihood this joke is terrible?

One likes to make it so, one is an afraid sow, one is a frayed sew, and sorry, but I'm afraid so!

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What does captain Picard say when he's getting frisky with a woman?

The captain's log... is ready for entry

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How many Captain Picards does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four. There, are, four, lights!

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Captain Picard's least favorite type of meal?

A smorgasborg.

What's Captain Picard's favorite game system?

N-Gage

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Levar Burton cannot replace Mayim Bialik as the host of the show...

Because Captain Picard would never willingly put a member of his crew in Jeopardy.

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One day on the USS-Enterprise...

Captain Picard tears his uniform. Now, normally he could just replicate a new one, but he was particularly fond of this uniform and so he went to get it mended in the uniform repair machine, but it was broken. So he called Geordi LaForge.

"Geordi, the machine that repairs uniforms is broken....

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I know we get a lot of dad jokes...here's a mom one

What did Captain Picard say when he saw the new sewing machine?

Make it sew!

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