My wife left me because of my constant zodiac puns.

It finally Taurus apart.

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

Historians have proved that people from every zodiac sign survived the Sinking of the Titanic

Except Leo

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

My Zodiac star sign

I went to the doctors office the other day, he said “Pick a star sign, any star sign.” I said “Pisces.” He said “Nah you got Cancer.”

I hate people who defend their laziness with their zodiac sign!

I mean, I invited my friend into an important friend reunion but she didnt go!

I asked her what was wrong she said' "Oh, I have cancer"

Yeah im an Aries! So what?

Every Zodiac sign has a signature hairstyle

For instance, people with cancer are bald

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

How come they never caught the Zodiac Killer?

Let's face it, all the signs were there.....

By asking 4 questions i can tell what your zodiac sign is

1. What's your favorite color?

2. What's your mother's maiden name?

3. What's your social security number?

4. What's your birthday?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my Chinese Zodiac is a rat, and I was conceived and born out of wedlock

I'm very much a Rat Bastard.

My best friend is a Hare for her Chinese Zodiac, and she was planned. — She's clearly a hare-brained scheme.

An astrologer went to the doctor for her lab results.

*Before the doctor could say anything, the astrologer asks* What's your zodiac sign?

Doctor: Gemini

Astrologer: I knew it, Gemini are the most studious of all the zodiac sign.

Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?

Astrologer: Cancer.

Doctor: **What a coincidence.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ted Cruz, a porn addict, a sociopath, and the Zodiac Killer walks into a bar.

He sits down and orders a drink.

Break up

My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.

It Taurus apart.

I'm in Pisces typing this

Every Zodiac sign has a haircut . . .

Except Cancer (in honor of my dad who lost his hair to chemo!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Girlfriend believes in Zodiac signs

So I am fucking stupid

The only two things that Zodiac signs get right:

1.Some people are twins

2.Some people are cancer

Imagine believing at zodiac signs and horoscopes

That's such a Cancer thing to do.

Ugh, my Doctor got my zodiac sign wrong!

I’m a Capricorn, not Cancer!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Doctor comes to a patient with some bad news

Doctor: Your test results have returned and I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell-

Patient: I'm sick of you know-it-all doctors with your tests and treatments and drugs and diseases. I'm a proud practitioner of homeopathy, an astrologist, and an expert in horoscopes. Speak to me properly!...

Did you hear about the Zodiac killer?

I heard he cut his victims in to little pisces!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.

For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt.

[OC] Horoscope Compatibility

As per your zodiac sign, the zodiac sign you are likely to be compatible with, is as follows :

Aries - Cancer

Taurus - Cancer

Gemini - Cancer

Cancer - Cancer

Leo - Cancer

Virgo - Cancer

Libra - Cancer

Scorpio - Cancer

Sagittarius - Cance...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to the Chinese Zodiac it is the Year of the Cock.

So it makes perfect sense that Donald Trump is president.

What were the Zodiac Killer's Plans for Vacation?

To take a Cruz.

Have you heard about the new Web MD zodiac?

All the signs say Cancer.

-So doctor, tell me what is it..

- Cancer

-No, no... why me, I’m gonna die, my family, my kids, Why God, why...

- I’m sorry , I thought you were asking my zodiac sign. You don’t have cancer.

-Thank you God. What a relief. Tell me doctor, what do I have?

-AIDS.

[NSFW]- What is David Bowie's zodiac sign?

Cancer.

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

I was born in june.

Even the zodiac knows I'm cancerous.

-What's your zodiac sign?

-Tyrannosaurus.
-But that's not even a real sign.
-None of the zodiac signs are real.

We lost a planet but gained a zodiac sign.

I guess that's a good constellation prize.

I hope all girls have cancer

As their zodiac sign because they’d be a perfect match for me.

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