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Zodiac Jokes

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

My Zodiac star sign

I went to the doctors office the other day, he said “Pick a star sign, any star sign.” I said “Pisces.” He said “Nah you got Cancer.”

I hate people who defend their laziness with their zodiac sign!

I mean, I invited my friend into an important friend reunion but she didnt go!

I asked her what was wrong she said' "Oh, I have cancer"

Yeah im an Aries! So what?

Break up

My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.

It Taurus apart.

I'm in Pisces typing this

Doctor: "what's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "I'm a cancer, why?"

Doctor: "oh, what a coincidence!"

Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair?

Well, besides cancer.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my constant zodiac jokes

I'm so sad that something so simple Taurus apart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with my girlfriend because of Zodiac signs incompatibility

She is a Pisces, and I don't believe in bullshit.

My thoughts on zodiac signs

Like I don’t mind them in general, but I hate it when people bring them up all the time.


So this one time I called my friend and asked him if he wanted to go to the mall with me.


He said, “No dude, I can’t, I have cancer.”

If you think about it, getting killed by the Zodiac Killer must suck…

Because imagine living your entire life up to that point just to be killed for being a Virgo.

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

Historians have proved that people with every zodiac sign survived the sinking of the Titanic...

Except Leo

How come they never caught the Zodiac Killer?

Let's face it, all the signs were there.....

Did you hear about the Zodiac killer?

I heard he cut his victims in to little pisces!

The genie told me I could have dinner with any five people from history, living or dead, so I chose Abraham Lincoln, John Dillinger, the Zodiac Killer, Marilyn Monroe, and my dear departed grandfather.

The genie said," You could choose five".

Imagine believing at zodiac signs and horoscopes

That's such a Cancer thing to do.

Ugh, my Doctor got my zodiac sign wrong!

I’m a Capricorn, not Cancer!

What do ya call a scary movie about your zodiac sign?

A horrorscope

An astrologer went to the doctor for her lab results.

*Before the doctor could say anything, the astrologer asks* What's your zodiac sign?

Doctor: Gemini

Astrologer: I knew it, Gemini are the most studious of all the zodiac sign.

Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?

Astrologer: Cancer.

Doctor: **What a coincidence.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my Chinese Zodiac is a rat, and I was conceived and born out of wedlock

I'm very much a Rat Bastard.

My best friend is a Hare for her Chinese Zodiac, and she was planned. — She's clearly a hare-brained scheme.

[NSFW]- What is David Bowie's zodiac sign?

Cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.

For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt.

"what zodiac sign are you?"

"dinosaur"

"but this doesn't exist".

"neither do others"

-What's your zodiac sign?

-Tyrannosaurus.
-But that's not even a real sign.
-None of the zodiac signs are real.

Have you heard about the new Web MD zodiac?

All the signs say Cancer.

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

What were the Zodiac Killer's Plans for Vacation?

To take a Cruz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to the Chinese Zodiac it is the Year of the Cock.

So it makes perfect sense that Donald Trump is president.

-So doctor, tell me what is it..

- Cancer

-No, no... why me, I’m gonna die, my family, my kids, Why God, why...

- I’m sorry , I thought you were asking my zodiac sign. You don’t have cancer.

-Thank you God. What a relief. Tell me doctor, what do I have?

-AIDS.

I was born in june.

Even the zodiac knows I'm cancerous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Doctor comes to a patient with some bad news

Doctor: Your test results have returned and I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell-

Patient: I'm sick of you know-it-all doctors with your tests and treatments and drugs and diseases. I'm a proud practitioner of homeopathy, an astrologist, and an expert in horoscopes. Speak to me properly!...

Doctor visit

A man went to see his doctor for a physical. As the lab results came in the doctor said, "I have your lab results. Don't mind me asking sir, but what's your zodiac sign?" The patient said his zodiac sign is cancer. The doctor said, "well what a coincidence"...

We lost a planet but gained a zodiac sign.

I guess that's a good constellation prize.

Today my dad beat cancer.

By the way what is your mom's zodiac sign?

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