My wife left me because of my constant zodiac puns.

It finally Taurus apart.

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

My Zodiac star sign

I went to the doctors office the other day, he said “Pick a star sign, any star sign.” I said “Pisces.” He said “Nah you got Cancer.”

I hate people who defend their laziness with their zodiac sign!

I mean, I invited my friend into an important friend reunion but she didnt go!

I asked her what was wrong she said' "Oh, I have cancer"

Yeah im an Aries! So what?

Break up

My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.

It Taurus apart.

I'm in Pisces typing this

By asking 4 questions i can tell what your zodiac sign is

1. What's your favorite color?

2. What's your mother's maiden name?

3. What's your social security number?

4. What's your birthday?

My barber is big into astrology, and told me that every zodiac sign corresponds to a certain hairstyle, except for one

Cancer.

Doctor: "what's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "I'm a cancer, why?"

Doctor: "oh, what a coincidence!"

The genie told me I could have dinner with any five people from history, living or dead, so I chose Abraham Lincoln, John Dillinger, the Zodiac Killer, Marilyn Monroe, and my dear departed grandfather.

The genie said," You could choose five".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with my girlfriend because of Zodiac signs incompatibility

She is a Pisces, and I don't believe in bullshit.

If you think about it, getting killed by the Zodiac Killer must suck…

Because imagine living your entire life up to that point just to be killed for being a Virgo.

Last week I found out what my Zodiac was

Apparently I'm a Cancer. I was devestated at first, because I was hoping to get Capricorn, but its really started to grow on me!

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

Historians have proved that people with every zodiac sign survived the sinking of the Titanic...

Except Leo

How come they never caught the Zodiac Killer?

Let's face it, all the signs were there.....

Did you hear about the Zodiac killer?

I heard he cut his victims in to little pisces!

The only two things that Zodiac signs get right:

1.Some people are twins

2.Some people are cancer

Every Zodiac sign has a haircut . . .

Except Cancer (in honor of my dad who lost his hair to chemo!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my Chinese Zodiac is a rat, and I was conceived and born out of wedlock

I'm very much a Rat Bastard.

My best friend is a Hare for her Chinese Zodiac, and she was planned. — She's clearly a hare-brained scheme.

Imagine believing at zodiac signs and horoscopes

That's such a Cancer thing to do.

What do ya call a scary movie about your zodiac sign?

A horrorscope

Ugh, my Doctor got my zodiac sign wrong!

I’m a Capricorn, not Cancer!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.

For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to the Chinese Zodiac it is the Year of the Cock.

So it makes perfect sense that Donald Trump is president.

What were the Zodiac Killer's Plans for Vacation?

To take a Cruz.

-What's your zodiac sign?

-Tyrannosaurus.
-But that's not even a real sign.
-None of the zodiac signs are real.

Have you heard about the new Web MD zodiac?

All the signs say Cancer.

[NSFW]- What is David Bowie's zodiac sign?

Cancer.

Doctor visit

A man went to see his doctor for a physical. As the lab results came in the doctor said, "I have your lab results. Don't mind me asking sir, but what's your zodiac sign?" The patient said his zodiac sign is cancer. The doctor said, "well what a coincidence"...

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

-So doctor, tell me what is it..

- Cancer

-No, no... why me, I’m gonna die, my family, my kids, Why God, why...

- I’m sorry , I thought you were asking my zodiac sign. You don’t have cancer.

-Thank you God. What a relief. Tell me doctor, what do I have?

-AIDS.

I was born in june.

Even the zodiac knows I'm cancerous.

We lost a planet but gained a zodiac sign.

I guess that's a good constellation prize.

[OC] Horoscope Compatibility

As per your zodiac sign, the zodiac sign you are likely to be compatible with, is as follows :

Aries - Cancer

Taurus - Cancer

Gemini - Cancer

Cancer - Cancer

Leo - Cancer

Virgo - Cancer

Libra - Cancer

Scorpio - Cancer

Sagittarius - Cance...

I just wanted to use the last 1% of my battery to tell you

The Zodiac Killer is Te

I hope all girls have cancer

As their zodiac sign because they’d be a perfect match for me.

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