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Butcher Shop Jokes

Why did the vegan blow up the butcher shop?

She was just trying to make meats end.

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks

“What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from...

In a small Jewish village, a man walks into the butcher shop.

He doesn’t look at the meat, and instead just mopes around, sighing. Eventually, the butcher is forced to ask, “Binyamin, what’s wrong?”

“Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but my son went to Jerusalem, and he came back a Christian!”

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I promise!”

Th...

A woman walks into a butcher shop

"How much for the pig's head?"

"Ma'am, that's a mirror"

Have you heard about the guy who stopped a fight at a butcher shop?

He's a real mediator.

Butcher shop

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?

He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18. She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the yea...

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My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his dick in the sausage maker...

...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

I was gonna start a butcher shop

But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business

Why did the mountain top butcher shop go out of business?

The steaks were to high.

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)



One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

A dog ran into a butcher shop.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your

dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would...

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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

A woman walks into a butcher shop...

"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."

The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."

\----------------------

The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He a...

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Sergei and Vladimir are standing in a long line outside a Soviet butcher shop.

The butcher comes out, looks at the long line, and yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher comes out again and looks at the line. He yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not...

A man walks into a butcher shop...

and asks for the meat from the top shelf.

The butcher says “Sorry friend but the steaks are too high.”

A man walks into a butcher shop and says, “hey, I’d like some of that nice looking rib eye you got on that top shelf please”

The butcher replies, “I’m sorry sir, I can’t do that, the steaks are too high”.

An English teacher goes into a butcher shop

As the butcher puts the meat on the scale he asks the teacher "Can you tell me what the scale says?"

The English teacher says "A scale cannot say anything, a scale can be read, you would say that the scale *reads*." The butcher cant help but agree as he packs up the teachers meat and sends h...

Black Betty walked into a butcher shop and asked for beef.

The butcher replied, "No Black Betty, Ham or Lamb?"

A man walks into a butcher shop...

A man walks into a butcher shop and asks if the butcher has any duck meat.

The butcher says of course he does, but can only give it on a special condition.

"You can only get the duck if you stab yourself with a butcher's knife" the butcher tells the man.

The man was confused a...

Guy walks into a butcher shop

A guy walks into a butcher shop and sees a butcher standing in front of a shelf with various meats.

The guy says "I betcha 20 bucks you can't reach the meat on the top shelf."

The butcher looks at the shelf and replies, "Nah, those steaks are too high."

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

Ed and Tom's Butcher Shop

There were once two brothers, Ed and Tom. They owned a butcher shop together, with Tom in the front on the register and Ed in the back chopping meat.

One fine day, Ed is chopping meat in the back when he chops his finger right off. Ed screams:

"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH"...

A man walks into a butcher shop...

... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the am...

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A reverend's wife walks into a butcher shop.

She knows that her husband will be entertaining some pretty important members of their congregation for dinner, and she wants only the finest food. She asks the butcher what he would personally recommend, to which he replies "Well ma'am, I would have some Dam Ham." The reverend's wife, a simple lady...

So a German father steps into a butcher shop

to provide food for his kid's 18th birthday party. They exchange pleasantries and the father asks for authentic german meats food for his son's party.

"That would be about ten euros per guest for a lavish traditional meal," the butcher says. The father, who is celebrating not only his son's c...

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A cannibal walks into the cannibal butcher shop

A cannibal walks into the cannibal butcher shop. He's checking out the goods behind the glass. Human legs, human arms, ribs... Isn't sure what he's in the mood for. At the end of the line, he sees some brains in separate piles. Mmmm... Brains sound pretty good he thinks. When he walks over he n...

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So I went to my local butcher shop...

because they make fucking amazing beef jerkey (peppered) and as I leave the shop with my jerky, I noticed a dog sitting in front of the back door to the butcher shop. I didn't think much of it, dogs like meat so he was probably begging. However I noticed that the dog has a brown paper bag with a not...

So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...

There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you h...

A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages

When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, "it's cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!" He tells her "It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat."

Smart

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog wha...

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

I decided to slap the salami today because I was bored

Needless to say I was fired from my job at the butcher shop for forgetting to wear gloves

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The sausage trick

Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze. Once in the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pan...

A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog...

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Pass the Dam ham.

A preacher is at church preparing his sermon for the following Sunday when his wife calls. She tells him some friends are in town for a few days and she has invited them over for dinner that night. She then asks him to stop by the butcher shop on the way home and pick up the best ham they have. She ...

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A baby was born in South Africa.

The village was very poor, and the makeshift hospital didn't have some necessary equipment.. such as scales.

The father however, was desperate to know the newborn baby's weight. After quite a bit of asking around, the hospital's chairman came up with an idea.

"Five miles west, there's ...

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So it was St. Patrick's Day in Ireland...

and Sheamus and Murphy were going to grab some beers. As they went out Sheamus looked at Murphy and said "Murphy it's Saint Patrick's day and we don't got fuckin' money, what are we gonna do?"
Murphy says "I got an idea meet me at the butcher shop in 10 minutes."
10 minutes goes by and they'r...

Terrible pun...

An elderly German couple that own a butcher shop are minding the store one day, selling all sorts of meats and sausages when in walks a man with a bird under his arm.
The shopkeeper asks the man if he can help him and the man says "Yes, I would like to trade this bird for a few of your famous s...

A barber gets his first client of the day and begins cutting his hair

The barber asks the client “What do you do?”
The client responds “I’m a waiter at the Italian restaurant down the street.”

The barber says to him “You’re in the service industry, I’m in the service industry, this haircut is on me.”

The next morning, the barber comes back to his shop...

Lionel Ritchie

So Lionel Ritchie has just opened up his own chain of Muslim butcher shops.
His slogan is gonna be... Halal!! Is it meat you're looking for

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A Long Island duck

A lady is shopping at a local butcher shop. When her number is called, she tells the butcher "Give me a Long Island Duck"

So the butcher goes into the cooler and comes out w/ a duck, he plops it on the scale and the lady says "Let me see that duck"

So the butcher hands it to her over t...

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Two Drunk Guys are Sitting at The Bar

So there's two drunk guys sitting a the bar in New York. They introduce themselves to one another, and the conversation continues:

Drunk #1: "So where you from?"

Drunk #2: "Oh I'm from Dublin, Ireland."

Drunk #1: "No fucking way!"

Drunk #2: "What?"

Drunk #1: "I'm f...

Not only bad at jokes, I’m also bad at titles

At the local butcher shop the was a challenge. The challenge was that if you could jump and touch on of the steaks on the ceiling, you would get twenty dollars. If you couldn’t, you would have to pay for one of the steaks. So a man named Jack came up to the challenge. As he was about to try he was s...

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I am truly perplexed that so many people are against mosques being built.

I think it should be the goal of every Western Society to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus mosques should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from w...

Russianbias

Twenty-five years ago, in December of 1991, the Soviet Union disintegrated. Humorist J.P. O'Rourke, the author of "The Baby Boom: How It Got That Way" told us, "Many of my favorite jokes came from behind the Iron Curtain. Maybe because humor was particularly sharp because it was the only weapon peop...

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A man decided to get a face lift for his 46th birthday...

On the way back from the hospital he stopped to get a newspaper. Before leaving the newspaper stand he asked the attendant "what age do you think I am?" "Em...35" was the reply. "Actually I'm 46" the man says feeling really happy.
Next he stops at the butchers, and before leaving he asks the same...

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