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The Rancher Widow, Drunkard and Gay

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So, she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. 

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the othe...

A drunkard woke up one morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night...

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing... "You are the reason I fight with my wife!"

He smashed the second bottle... "You are t...

THE WINE TASTER

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat,...

The Priest & the Drunkard

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turns to the priest and ...

What's the difference between Russian football fans and an old drunkard in a bar at closing time?

Kicking the old drunkard out won't start world war III.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
Few minutes later, a d...

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are taken to the guillotine...

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards h...

A drunkard's wife said to him..

A drunkard's wife said to him, "Don't you dare use any more money on buying rum anymore!"

The man replied, "Then maybe you should stop wasting money on your beauty parlor!"

The wife, taken aback by the logical answer, said, "But I do this so I look beautiful for you, my dear.."

...

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A drunkard's curiosity

It's a typical day in England; overcast and raining. A older man is enjoying his day off by drinking on his porch and watching travelers enter and exit the city.

Across the street is a young gentleman, handsome, and obviously good with the ladies, because every time a pretty young lass happe...

A drunkard is walking down the street...

...when a Nun, dressed in her habit, comes towards him from the other direction.

As the Nun is about to pass the drunkard, he steps back, and takes a massive swing at her head, knocking her to the ground.

Not quite done yet, the drunkard lays a couple of kicks into the Nun while she's...

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Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to...

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A scholar and the village drunkard gets into a friendly competition of who's smarter...

The people gather at the field outside of the village waiting for the showdown to take place.

The scholar says, "The rules are simple, we both will communicate each other without using words. Once one person cannot interpret the other, he loses."

The two met in face to face while othe...

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A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

He insists...

A drunkard went to a doctor and said that his health was deteriorating and he had a beer belly.
The doctor advised him to immediately stop drinking completely.
But that's not possible for me because I have to attend a lot of parties given the nature of my work.
Only drink if someone really ...

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A man is hospitalized

He is stable. While not entirely bed ridden, he cannot move far without assistance. He feels a sudden urge in his bowels. He hits the call button to get assistance to go to the commode. Alas, he is unable to void. Several more times, he has the same sensation, summons the nurse, and again and again ...

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Redneck Jimmy

In a small town there was a well liked Redneck named Jimmy. However, he was often in bad company as he tried to be friends with everyone. His two best friend were widely regarded as a pair of useless drunks. Still, everyone would smile and greet Jimmy whenever they saw him.

One day however, ...

A Little Push...

​

Late in the night, a couple wake up to the insistent sound of the doorbell. The owner of the house gets up and, through the window, asks:

\- What do you want?

\- Hello. I know it's late. But I need someone to push me. Your house is the only one in this region. Can y...

Three Fencers Walk Into a Bar.

Looking around, they see the bartender telling a drunk customer to get out, that he's had too many. The customer goes to punch the bartender, but before he can land the hit the bartender grabs his head and smashes it into the granite countertop, breaking the drunkard's nose.

The police show u...

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and wake?

One less drunkard.

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A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.

At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. P...

A married couple had a deadbeat son.

An married couple had a son in his late 20s still living at home. The parents were concerned that they're son showed a disinterest with pursuing settling down getting on with his life.

The son was working at his part-time job at a pizza place. The dad, at home, said, "I have an idea." He laid...

Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this.

One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk.

He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor.

He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor.

People offered to help him, but he said no each time.

He finally ended up dragging him...

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A cop walking his beat downtown late one Saturday night...

...comes across an inebriated fellow, stumbling around on the sidewalk in front of a bar. He approaches the drunkard, who is well plastered and hasn't yet seen him coming . "Evening, friend. How we doing tonight?"

"Oh officer," says the souse, " Am I glad to see you, sir! Listen, somebody...

A drunk man at the carnival...

A horribly drunk man stumbled up to a carnival game booth and sloppily picked up the air rifle. On his very first shot he knocked the target down, much to the game operator's astonishment.

"Wow, sir that was amazing," said the operator as he handed the drunkard a live turtle. "You'll be going...

[Long] A Man Raises His Beer...

He says, "I've been a regular here for over 20 years, I bet I could out drink anyone here. A hundred dollars to anybody who can down more beer than me!"

At first a large, bulky man walks up to his table and the bartender begins to serve up the drinks. The crowd watches as both contestants re...

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The town drunk...

The town drunk is sitting at his local watering hole spending his freshly arrived welfare money, keeping to himself at the end of the bar.

A gay man walks into the bar and keeps staring at the drunk. He can’t believe how good looking he is. The gay man has a few drinks all while staring a...

Old but gold!

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he  wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. 

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to ...

Three drunk guys enter a Taxi

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "we have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him the money and the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was very shocked thinki...

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A Brit walks into a bar in Mississippi.

The bartender, taking note of the man's rather non-local appearance, shook his head and handed the man a beer - he didn't want to be at the butt-end of some lame joke.

The other bargoers, however, didn't seem to have the same inclination, and so began pestering the Brit.

"Well lookie h...

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily.

Suddenly he vomits down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dollar b...

There's a flower shop in my town...

...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars ev...

Automatic light.

HUSBAND: My dear, its like the light in the toilet is now automatic!
WIFE: Wat happened?
HUSBAND: When I open the door the light came on and after I urinated and closed the door the light went off!
WIFE: Drunkard! you have gone to urinate in the FRIDGE again!😂😂😂

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Three drunks on the top of the Empire state building.

Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building. The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the bui...

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A married man gets a little drunker than he'd meant to...

A married man is sitting at a bar and gets a little drunker than he'd meant to. He ends up spilling on his shirt, making a huge stain.

"This is terrible," he says to the bartender. "My wife's gonna see this and then she'll know I got way too drunk."

"Not to worry," says the bartender....

So a guy and his frog walk into a bar.

And he has a few to many drinks by himself and the bartender begins to worry. The man asked for another pint.

"I think you've had a few to many," the bartender responds.

He replies in a drunken tone, "I'm a traveling showman, and I have a million dollar act. If I show it to you, can I ...

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A rather inebriated man walks up to the bartender at his favorite bar...

He slaps 2 $100 bills down on the counter. "I bet you this two hundred dollars that I can piss from one end of your counter to the other, into a cup, and not spill a single drop."

 

The bartender sizes the man up, realizing that the man can barely stand upright, and decides to...

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Drunk guy comes home to his wife [long]

His wife offers him an ultimatum - "You come home in a mess again, and I'm leaving you".

The next day, the guy bumps into a friend, they end up in a pub. The man gets shit-faced and vomits all over himself.

"Shit" the guys says. "If I go home like this my wife will leave me"

"No...

An officer routinely waits outside the bar...

An officer routinely waits outside the bar in his squad car on the weekends to get an easy catch on the drunk drivers. This particular night on his early patrols he passes a large group of regulars walking into the bar. He makes a mental note to come back and wait. A few hours later the officer pull...

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A man is trying to pick up a girl in a bar....

....after consuming several alcoholic beverages. At this point, he's pretty pissed, and is having no luck with the females. He takes a seat at the bar, and spies a younger gentleman who is attracting all the women in the bar. The drunkard approaches him and says "Oi mate, what's your secret? How you...

The drunk and the baptism

A drunk is walking home one afternoon from the bar when he sees a pastor having an baptism down the river bank. The pastor looks up and sees him. Calling out he says "Look! A lost member of our flock. Come down here son and be born again! Renounce your sins and be saved."

The drink squnts i...

I need your best Scottish joke, asap! Scottish stepdad's birthday today.

I need a good Scottish joke or two to make fun of his primitive Tartan wearin' bagpipe blowin' and Braveheart barbarian culture.

Preferably, the joke will make fun of Scots as a bunch of useless drunkards subjugated by the English.

This is becoming a bit of a birthday tradition so giv...

3 Survivors

3 survivors of an airplane crash were walking on the desert. They were a banker, a drunkard and a miser.

All in a sudden they found a magical oil lamp, they rubbed the lamp, unexpectedly unleashing a genie, who revealed he would grant each of them three wishes.

The genie asked the bank...

There was once three kingdoms.

Now the first kingdom was full of people saying "Ehh!" all the time, so without being superbly creative, they called themselves the Kingdom of Ehh. The second kingdom, which farmed bees and their honey as the main form of currency and food, called themselves the Kingdom of Bee. And the third and fin...

Just a Head...

A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.

The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm pops out. After the next shot a torso pops out. After...

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If you don't believe me...

Two drunkards met in the morning after a party. One of them is all bandaged and looks really bad.
- What happened? - the first guy asks.
- Yesterday, when you left, I was walking home when suddenly, a horse jumped over me out of nowhere and broke my spine. I tried to get up and all of a sudden...