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Drunkard Jokes

A drunkard's wife said to him..

A drunkard's wife said to him, "Don't you dare use any more money on buying rum anymore!"

The man replied, "Then maybe you should stop wasting money on your beauty parlor!"

The wife, taken aback by the logical answer, said, "But I do this so I look beautiful for you, my dear.."

...

A drunkard was brought to court for dunkenis behavior

The Judge addressed the drunkard, "You have been brought here for drinking."

Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."

All, present in the court, burst out laughing.

Banging the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."

Drunkard, "For me Whiskey with Soda please."

Wife: Look at that drunkard.

Husband: Who is he?
Wife: 10 years back, he proposed me, but I rejected.
Husband: Oh my God! He is still celebrating....

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

The Priest & the Drunkard

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turns to the priest and ...

A Drunkard and The Priests

A drunkard stammers out of a bar and ran into 2 priests. He ran up to them and says, I’m Jesus Christ.

 The priests reply No son, you are not.

The drunk says, Look, I can prove it~ and walk back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes a look at the drunk and exclaim,

...

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are taken to the guillotine...

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards h...

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A priest takes the bus

After a while, a drunkard sits next to him. The drunkard pulls out a newspaper, starts to read and turns to the priest.


Drunkard: "Excuse me father. What's spondylosis ?"

Priest: "Spondylosis is a disease caused by a messy lifestyle, the company of women with a questionable past, c...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

Few minute...

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

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A drunkard ina pub makes a bet with the barman...

He says to the barman, "I bet you fifty dollars I can piss in this glass whilst you roll it down the bar!" The barman agrees to the bet,and sets the glass up.

He rolls the glass along the bar, with the drunkard frantically trying to land a drop in it.

To the barman's joy, the glass r...

A drunkard hits on a nun in the bus

“How's it going sweety, you wanna come to my place?“ The nun, obviously flustered, declines. “Come on sweetheart, just a onetime thing, you're so goddamn cute!“ The nun slaps him and leaves at the next station.

The busdriver, who had noticed the other man hitting on the nun, winks him over. ...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

What's the difference between a drunkard and an alcoholic?

A drunkard doesn't have to attend any stupid meetings.

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A well known fighter was drinking at a bar

When an old man walks in, taps him on the shoulder and says "I just fucked your mother! Whatcha gonna do about it, big man?". The music stops, the patrons turn to look, but the fighter says nothing and keeps drinking. The old man gets frustrated and leaves in a huff.

Later, the old man comes...

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A drunkard's curiosity

It's a typical day in England; overcast and raining. A older man is enjoying his day off by drinking on his porch and watching travelers enter and exit the city.

Across the street is a young gentleman, handsome, and obviously good with the ladies, because every time a pretty young lass happe...

A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..

She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."

This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the...

The Two Drunkards

Two drunkards are from their usual drinking spree on their way home when they spot a mango fruit up the tree, they start tossing stones at the fruit to fell it, after what seems like a life time missing the target, one says to the other, ''Maybe it is not even ripe, let me scale up the tree and take...

What's the difference between Russian football fans and an old drunkard in a bar at closing time?

Kicking the old drunkard out won't start world war III.

A man walks his dog late at night when he observes an obviously drunk guy. The guy stops at a parked car, swipes across the car's roof with his arm and says "Nope."

He stumbles over to the next car, again swipes across the roof with his arm and again: "Nope."

This goes on for a while until finally the dog owner decides to ask the man what he was doing.

Drunkard: "I'm searching my car!"

Dog owner: "But you can't find your car by swiping your...

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An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will

He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else.

The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom:

"It's none of my business,...

Mandatory Attendance

A drunkard walking on the street, is approached by the police at 3:00 AM.


The policeman asks: "Where are you going at this hour?"


The drunkard answers:
"I am going to attend a conference on alcohol abuse and the lethal effects on the body, the bad example it creates on chi...

Instant divorce

[ Heard this joke in my mother tongue so don't know how impactful it is in English]
A man comes home drunk.
Man(to his wife): Woman you're fat, ugly and stupid.
Wife: You're a drunkard
Man: Well, I'll be ok by tomorrow morning. What about you?

A drunkard woke up one morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night...

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing... "You are the reason I fight with my wife!"

He smashed the second bottle... "You are t...

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A scholar and the village drunkard gets into a friendly competition of who's smarter...

The people gather at the field outside of the village waiting for the showdown to take place.

The scholar says, "The rules are simple, we both will communicate each other without using words. Once one person cannot interpret the other, he loses."

The two met in face to face while othe...

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The teacher told us that the first people to have a surname had some kind of story on how people began to call them that, like how Michael Collins was a drunkard

Somehow i dont wanna know Emily Dickinson's story.

Drunk

A cop caught a drunkard just in front of a house, trying to get in. ''Are you sure this is your house?'' the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled man. '

“Shertainly,'' said the drunk, ''an' if you'll jesh open the door f'me, I'll prove it to you.''

The cop obliges by opening the door....

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Three Russian alcoholics gather for a drink.

They pour each one a glass of vodka and drink half of it in one go. One of them, when he puts down his drink, doesn't see his buddies, but sees St. Peter surrounded by holy light.

“I can't die yet! I haven't even finished this glass!” - the alcoholic cries.

“Okay” says St. Peter. “I ...

[Long] A Man Raises His Beer...

He says, "I've been a regular here for over 20 years, I bet I could out drink anyone here. A hundred dollars to anybody who can down more beer than me!"

At first a large, bulky man walks up to his table and the bartender begins to serve up the drinks. The crowd watches as both contestants re...

A drunkard is walking down the street...

...when a Nun, dressed in her habit, comes towards him from the other direction.

As the Nun is about to pass the drunkard, he steps back, and takes a massive swing at her head, knocking her to the ground.

Not quite done yet, the drunkard lays a couple of kicks into the Nun while she's...

A married couple had a deadbeat son.

An married couple had a son in his late 20s still living at home. The parents were concerned that they're son showed a disinterest with pursuing settling down getting on with his life.

The son was working at his part-time job at a pizza place. The dad, at home, said, "I have an idea." He laid...

Drunk guy at a bar

So there’s a drunk guy at a bar and all of a sudden he starts to vomit. “Oh no, I vomited on my t-shirt, my wife is gonna kill me!” Says the drunkard. “Let me help you with that”, says the bartender. The bartender goes to the drunk guy and says: tell your wife some idiot vomited on your t-shirt and ...

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Three drunk guys were having a contest to see which of them was the best fighter

The first one says to the other two "See that horse and carriage parked right there? I will beat up everyone on board while suffering nothing more than a scratch." With drunken bravado, the man set out to fulfill the dare he had imposed upon himself. Minutes later, the man returned and true to his w...

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Redneck Jimmy

In a small town there was a well liked Redneck named Jimmy. However, he was often in bad company as he tried to be friends with everyone. His two best friend were widely regarded as a pair of useless drunks. Still, everyone would smile and greet Jimmy whenever they saw him.

One day however, ...

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Molly gets Paddy to stop drinking

Paddy was a terrible drunkard, and Molly had just about had her fill. One day when Paddy was passed out, Molly asked the doctor if he could say something to make him stop drinking. So when Paddy woke up, the doctor said "now Paddy, if you keep drinking like this, your guts are going to fall out an...

3 Survivors

3 survivors of an airplane crash were walking on the desert. They were a banker, a drunkard and a miser.

All in a sudden they found a magical oil lamp, they rubbed the lamp, unexpectedly unleashing a genie, who revealed he would grant each of them three wishes.

The genie asked the bank...

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Three drunks on the top of the Empire state building.

Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building. The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the bui...

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Three couples die and approach St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

The first couple approach, but Peter says to the man, "You cannot go to Heaven. You were too greedy in life! You even married a woman named Penny!"

The second couple approaches, and Peter says, "Halt! You cannot pass into Heaven. You were a drunkard! Why, you even married a woman named Sherr...

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Man walks into a bar on the roof of the Time Warner Center

After a few drinks he looks across at the second tower with awe, and notices a gentleman with black glasses doing the same. "Pretty cool, huh?" He says to him.

"Oh, you don't know the half of it...Did you know they specifically engineered these buildings to catch the wind and create an updraf...

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Three couples are waiting in line to interview with St. Peter, hoping to get into Heaven....

St. Peter looks in his records & says to the first man “hmm. This doesn’t look good. I see here you were a very greedy man. So greedy in fact that you married this woman here just because her name is Penny. I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in.”

Saddened, they walk away and the next couple w...

A drunk man at the carnival...

A horribly drunk man stumbled up to a carnival game booth and sloppily picked up the air rifle. On his very first shot he knocked the target down, much to the game operator's astonishment.

"Wow, sir that was amazing," said the operator as he handed the drunkard a live turtle. "You'll be going...

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

Three village women are walking home from a trip to town...

(Full disclosure: I modified this joke from one in *The Pretty Good Joke Book*)

(Disclaimer: You can assign any nationality or ethnicity you like to these women. To avoid controversy, I'm calling them "Poltroonian")

So these three Poltroonian village women are walking back to their vi...

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A man is hospitalized

He is stable. While not entirely bed ridden, he cannot move far without assistance. He feels a sudden urge in his bowels. He hits the call button to get assistance to go to the commode. Alas, he is unable to void. Several more times, he has the same sensation, summons the nurse, and again and again ...

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla...

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A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

Old but gold!

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he  wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. 

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to ...

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A rather inebriated man walks up to the bartender at his favorite bar...

He slaps 2 $100 bills down on the counter. "I bet you this two hundred dollars that I can piss from one end of your counter to the other, into a cup, and not spill a single drop."

 

The bartender sizes the man up, realizing that the man can barely stand upright, and decides to...

I need your best Scottish joke, asap! Scottish stepdad's birthday today.

I need a good Scottish joke or two to make fun of his primitive Tartan wearin' bagpipe blowin' and Braveheart barbarian culture.

Preferably, the joke will make fun of Scots as a bunch of useless drunkards subjugated by the English.

This is becoming a bit of a birthday tradition so giv...

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Hotdog sucks

Al and Bob, two drunkards with no money came up with an idea to get drunk. Al says “Let’s go to the bar and order couple shots and as soon as we get our shots we slam them. I’ll unzip my pants and hold this hotdog, then you jump on your knees and start sucking on it. When the bartender sees us he’ll...

Automatic light.

HUSBAND: My dear, its like the light in the toilet is now automatic!
WIFE: Wat happened?
HUSBAND: When I open the door the light came on and after I urinated and closed the door the light went off!
WIFE: Drunkard! you have gone to urinate in the FRIDGE again!😂😂😂

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Three couples are waiting to enter the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them, "I can tell how a man lived his life based upon the name of his wife. First couple, please step forward."

So, the first couple steps forward and St. Peter asks the guy, "What is your wife's name?" The guy says, "Her name is Penny."

St. Peter gives a disapproving...

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In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man i...

A Little Push...



Late in the night, a couple wake up to the insistent sound of the doorbell. The owner of the house gets up and, through the window, asks:

\- What do you want?

\- Hello. I know it's late. But I need someone to push me. Your house is the only one in this region. Can you help me?<...

Three drunk guys enter a Taxi

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "we have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him the money and the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was very shocked thinki...

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A married man gets a little drunker than he'd meant to...

A married man is sitting at a bar and gets a little drunker than he'd meant to. He ends up spilling on his shirt, making a huge stain.

"This is terrible," he says to the bartender. "My wife's gonna see this and then she'll know I got way too drunk."

"Not to worry," says the bartender....

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There's a robbery in a jewelry shop, but when the police arrive, the thief has escaped

One agent says to another:

"If we do not arrest anyone the boss is going to get angry"

The other agent looks around and sees a drunk man sleeping in a corner, and says:

"Well, we take that drunk and we say it was him"

They take him to the police station, where they inter...

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

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A man is trying to pick up a girl in a bar....

....after consuming several alcoholic beverages. At this point, he's pretty pissed, and is having no luck with the females. He takes a seat at the bar, and spies a younger gentleman who is attracting all the women in the bar. The drunkard approaches him and says "Oi mate, what's your secret? How you...

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A Drunk Went To A Brothel (long)

A drunk, four sheets to the wind, went to a brothel for some sex. Approaching the colorful brothel and stumbling up the steps, he banged on the door demanding to be let in. The madam opened the door and sized up the drunkard, who stood there weaving and red eyed, alcohol wafting from his breath....

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Two brothers Matt and John go camping in the woods

When they arrive where they want to camp, they make dinner, have a few beers, but realize they forgot one of their two one-person tents at home. They decide to play rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to sleep in the tent and who has to sleep outside. Matt wins and so they both climb in their sleepi...

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Inebriated Indecency

(Sorry for mobile formatting)
Betty and Barry, a middle-aged couple, went out late one hot Friday night to grab dinner. After they had finished their meal, they sat with drinks and enjoyed dessert. Barry excused himself to the restroom and Betty sat there listening and observed the other patrons ...

Just a Head...

A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.

The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm pops out. After the next shot a torso pops out. After...

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So a guy and his frog walk into a bar.

And he has a few to many drinks by himself and the bartender begins to worry. The man asked for another pint.

"I think you've had a few to many," the bartender responds.

He replies in a drunken tone, "I'm a traveling showman, and I have a million dollar act. If I show it to you, can I ...

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Drunk guy comes home to his wife [long]

His wife offers him an ultimatum - "You come home in a mess again, and I'm leaving you".

The next day, the guy bumps into a friend, they end up in a pub. The man gets shit-faced and vomits all over himself.

"Shit" the guys says. "If I go home like this my wife will leave me"

"No...

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If you don't believe me...

Two drunkards met in the morning after a party. One of them is all bandaged and looks really bad.
- What happened? - the first guy asks.
- Yesterday, when you left, I was walking home when suddenly, a horse jumped over me out of nowhere and broke my spine. I tried to get up and all of a sudden...

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A German, a Japanese and a Russian die one day

They are met in the Otherworld by an Angel, who tells them "I know all three of you have sinned enough to get sent to hell. But, screw it, I'm bored and benevolent. So I will give each of you two metal orbs. Do with them what you want. In 24 hours, whoever surprises me the most will go to heaven."...

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A cop walking his beat downtown late one Saturday night...

...comes across an inebriated fellow, stumbling around on the sidewalk in front of a bar. He approaches the drunkard, who is well plastered and hasn't yet seen him coming . "Evening, friend. How we doing tonight?"

"Oh officer," says the souse, " Am I glad to see you, sir! Listen, somebody...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

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A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.

At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. P...

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A Brit walks into a bar in Mississippi.

The bartender, taking note of the man's rather non-local appearance, shook his head and handed the man a beer - he didn't want to be at the butt-end of some lame joke.

The other bargoers, however, didn't seem to have the same inclination, and so began pestering the Brit.

"Well lookie h...

An officer routinely waits outside the bar...

An officer routinely waits outside the bar in his squad car on the weekends to get an easy catch on the drunk drivers. This particular night on his early patrols he passes a large group of regulars walking into the bar. He makes a mental note to come back and wait. A few hours later the officer pull...

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