Bless You Jokes - 48 Hilarious Bless You Jokes

My Crush just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she's staring at the bushes confused, wondering who said that.

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Bless you

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tiss...

God bless you son

5 year old son after reading story of a king.

Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives..one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
...

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050

Bless you son!!!

(Perhaps a repost, but I heard it for the first time. So here it goes)

A small boy talking to his mother while his dad sits nearby.

Boy: Mom, I want to marry 3 girls when I grow up.

Mom: 3 girls!! But why son?

Boy: One to cook food for me, one to do my laundry and one to ...

Bless You

I just made a big mistake. My ex-girlfriend came out of her house to have a smoke and she sneezed.

I said, "Bless You"

She looked and looked, but luckily it was dark and she couldn't find my hiding place.

If I ever tell you bless you...

you better say "thank you" and not "why are you in my closet with an AK-47?"

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

When you sneeze, everyone says 'God bless you'...

When you fart they say "God Damn!!"

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Sneezes just went from bless you to fuck you real quick.

Achoo.

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“God bless you.”

3 sisters were sitting in the porch drinking mint juleps.
Mary says, “My husband loves me so much, he built me a beautiful house with a wrap-around porch! Mable says, “That’s nice.” Irma says, “Bless your heart.”
Mable says, “My husband loves me so much, he bought me a brand new Cadilla...

“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate i...

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!"...

I went to confession, knelt and said: “Bless me father for I have sinned.” Just then, I sneezed.

He said “bless you my son” so I got up and left.

A lawyer and a priest are walking down the street, when the lawyer sneezes. "Bless you", says the priest.

The lawyer promptly burst into flames.

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A joke my russian friend told...

So stalin was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldiers... One soldier then sneezes in the middle of stalin's speech. Stalin stops, looks around and asks: "who sneezed?" there was no answer.... he asks again and sure enough no one answered - Stalin is now pissed, he doesn't like being ignor...

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Sh...

A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared…..

…. readyto devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.

The lion then drops to his knees, lo...

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

The Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I will explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?"

The nun replied, "Nope, not today sir, god bless you" After t...

Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them s...

Knock knock.

*Knock knock*
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

(I thought of this all on my own...but others may have also thought the same thing)

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My new sexy neighbour just sneezed,

so by instinct and good manners I said bless you.

She said thanks, but looked a little confused that her wardrobe was talking to her!

Stalin and the sneezer

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

N...

There once was a parade in honor of comrade Stalin's birthday

In the middle of the parade, Stalin had a great speech and everyone was saluting in silence.

While suddenly, Stalin heard a sneeze from the front rows. "Who was that?", he asks but there is no response.

"Confess or I execute everyone in the first row.", again no one spoke up. So Stalin...

Give me your best kids knock-knock jokes!

My 4 year old is a budding comedian, and her new favourite is knock-knock jokes. She keeps asking me for new ones that she can tell to people, but I can't find many good ones that she will understand.

The current go-to's are:

Knock knock -- Who's there? -- Europe! -- Europe who? -- No,...

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech...

Inspired by the recent post by /u/JTRuno:

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech to a packed house when someone in the crowd - a factory worker named Boris - sneezes.

Stalin stops. He sets down his notes and asks "who sneezed?".

Silence. You could hear a pin drop.

"I ask again...

Sneeze , cough

After 2019-

Someone sneezes.
Me: "Bless you".

Someone coughs.
Me: "Bless me".

During Stalin's speech, someone has sneezed

During Stalin's speech, someone has sneezed.
-Who sneezed? Stalin asks.

Nobody has answered.

-Shoot the first row!

So it happened. After the applause has ceased, Stalin continues to ask:

-Who sneezed?

Nobody confessed.

-Shoot the second row!

Applau...

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What is the difference between an orgasm and a sneeze?

Nothing. The priest says bless you after both.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Ash

Ash who?

Bless you.

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Three Nuns

There were three nuns. They all told a priest they were going to do one sin each.

So the priest says, "Ok, do your sins. Come back and I'll bless you."

So they went to do their sins and came back to be blessed.

The priest asked the first one, who was laughing what her sin was....

The Pope visits the USA.

When he arrives at the airport, there is a group of people chanting "Elvis, Elvis, Elvis!" The Pope is a little confused, then says: "I am not Elvis. I am the Pope. God bless you and your families."

Later, when he arrives at his hotel, there is a bunch of people welcoming him there as well....

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stalin is in a huge auditorium giving a speech,

when from somewhere near the front of the crowd comes a DEAFENING sneeze, cutting him off. In a booming voice Stalin asks, "WHO DID THAT?"

No reply.

Stalin orders the entire front row to be taken outside and executed. Thereafter he continues his speech, until another ear-splitting ACHO...

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One day, a father and his daughter are together.

The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The da...

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A masochist walks out onto the street, screaming "Please, hurt me, please!"

As he tears his shirt and wails out, a crowd gathers around him, until finally, a sadist steps forward.

Once more, the man screams to him, pleading "Please, hurt me, I need it!"

To which, the sadist walks around him in a circle, smirks at him, and says "No".

All credit to my o...

An elderly German man visits his priest for confession...

An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess.

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish refugee in my attic.

Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassi...

The great horrors of war..

A nun is walking through the church courtyard when a soldier comes running up to her.

The soldier says, "Sister, quickly! May I please hide under your skirt? My lieutenant is looking for me and I know he is going to send me to Syria!"

The nun replies, "Why of course, it's an emergency!...

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The kindness of the elderly . . .

When we get older, we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind . ...

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Josef Stalin was on his way to order the army against the Nazis.

He went to one of the troops, which had 500 men.
Suddenly, one man sneezed.
\- Who sneezovsky?! - he shouted.
Silence.
\- Shoot halfovsky!
Half of the troop was killed, leaving 250 men. Later on someone sneezed.
\- Who sneezovsky? No one says...? Shoot halfovsky! ...

A lady goes into a confessional booth and sits down.

The priest says, "Bless you sister, please tell me your sins."

The lady says, "Oh, Father, I'm not here to confess. I just wanted to let you know that I'm a vegan."

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Strangers were sitting next to each other on airplane, getting ready to take off. While getting situated the woman sneezes, but as she does she also begins to

shudder immediately following the sneeze. The man sitting next to her extends a kind "bless you." She says thanks and they continue waiting until she sneezes again, and again she shudders and moans a little, saying "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you." This throws the man for a loop, saying "sneezin...

Speeding Pope

A guy gets a job as a high profile chauffeur and his first assignment is to pick up the Pope from the airport.
"You know," begins the Pope, "they never let me drive myself back at the Vatican. What do you say I drive a few blocks then you can take over?"
After arguing for a while, the chauffeu...

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A man was relaxing on a long flight...

A man was relaxing on a long flight keeping to himself when he starts to get bored. He starts looking around the cabin and notices that he's sitting next to the Pope who's doing a crossword. He starts to think this will be an interesting story to tell his friends back home when he feels a tug at his...

A joke my son told me when he was younger...

Son: knock knock

Dad: Who's there?

Son: Ah

Dad: Ah who?

Son: Bless You!

A Russian Joke.

Stalin is giving a speech when he hears someone sneeze. He stops mid-sentence and asks the first row, "who sneezed?"

Nobody answers.

Stalin executes the first row. Now, everyone is getting nervous.

Stalin addresses the second row. "Who sneezed?" he asks, becoming visibly upset....

My 6yo came up with this “Knock knock” joke and it’s one if the best I heard!

- Knock knock
- Who’s there?
- Ach
- Ach who?
- Bless you!

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