On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

I won't be eating at my favorite Italian restaurant any more. They have a new chef named Sal.

Sal Monella.

Maybe we shouldn’t be eating those little flat breads during communion

... since they haven’t risen yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife "When the apocalypse comes, I'll be eating human flesh to survive".

"You shitting me?!" She asked.

"i might be" I replied.

Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes

Mostly lentils

If video games were really bad for you, then the entire Pac-man generation would be eating pills and running away from their problems

Oh wait.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking to work when he spots a young boy sitting on a park bench, covered in empty candy wrappers.

The boy had a stack of candy bars, and was getting ready to open another one, when the man stops him and says:

“Young man, you really should not be eating this many candy bars. Overeating sugar like that can lead to all sorts of medical problems that will make you die younger!”

The boy...

Soviet joke: a family is watching the evening news when the announcer says taxes on vodka will be going up.

“This means there will be some major changes for our family, comrades,” says the man.

“You mean you will be drinking less?” asks his son.

“Nyet,” says the father. “You will all be eating less.”

I saw a sign at McDonald's, it said,"We do not accept bills over $20."

Trust me, if I had more than $20, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist

The optimist thinks that by 2040 the humanity will be eating shit.

The pessimist thinks that there won't be enough for everybody...

My husband just interrupted my work from home to deliver this one.

The door opened, and in popped my husband's head.

**Him:** "Hey, Jennifer, what do you call a Jennifer with extra hairy legs?"

**Me, rolling my eyes at him:** "A Jennifer Spider?"

**Him:** "Nope. A SASS-SQUATCH"

In totally unrelated news: He'll be eating boiled chicken an...

If i had money

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I had a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating he...

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