UPJOKE

Be Careful Jokes

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

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Be careful what you wish for…

A man caught a goldfish and as always...

- "Let me go and I will grant you a wish"! - said the goldfish.

- "But I don't need anything: I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars,
a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" - he say...

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

Be careful what you ask for

A guy walks into a bar, followed by 12 beautiful women. He slams a bag of gold down and says, " Bartender, drinks for everyone".

The bartender just finished setting up drinks for everyone at the bar when suddenly a 12 inch tall man jumped out from the rich guys jacket and runs down the len...

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Be careful of fake eBay sites.

Warning to all men about about a fake eBay site.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $95 + postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, ...

Be careful of fat guys, ladies

They just want to get into your pantries.

Why do you have to be careful when trees start dropping feathers instead of leaves?

It could be your down-fall

Be careful about emails from weird addresses with long links or strange files attached

They could be from your parents

Be careful of woman who say you're a good catch.

They'll try to clean you and remove your spine.

Be careful what you wish for

One for cake day:

Tom finds an old, tarnished lamp. He gets excited, and polishes it vigorously.

A genie appears and say "Congratulations, you get three wishes! What is your first wish?"

Tom says, "I want to be Rich!".

The genie says, "No problem, done. What is your ne...

Be Careful When You Follow Masses

Sometimes the M is silent....

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Be Careful what you dream of

A Couple in bed in the morning

She: i had a nice dream this night

He: really what was about?

She: i was dreaming going to Ikea and do shoppping

He: oh nice..

She: what about you, did you had any dream?

He: yes, i was dreaming doing sex with two girls simulta...

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Redditors: please be careful this holiday season

Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots ... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: *I took a cab*. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and sin...

Be careful who you buy drugs from. It might be laced. Mine was.

I found marijuana in my cocaine.

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

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Be Careful What You Ask For...

There was a guy who was born deformed, he didn't have a body, he was just a head. He had family and a loyal group of friends that would include him and they would usually just carry him under their arm from place to place.

One day he went with friends to a local bar where they sat him on top...

Which type of metal do you need to be careful of?

Stainless Steel. Because they are SUS.

Why should you be careful around train conductors?

Because they have locomotives.

"Honey, be careful while driving on the highway" I told my wife on call...

"The news says that a there's a person speeding on the wrong side of the highway"


"One person!?" She replied, incredulously,


"These idiots are in hundreds"

Nudists must be careful around Team Rocket...

... because they're always trying to get a Pikachu.

Be careful of stairs...

They always seem like they’re up to something.

be careful what you wish for!

so this guy is walking down the street one day and he sees this other guy on the other side of the road with an orange for a head and hes like "whoa, oh my god that guy has an orange for a head!" so he goes over to him and he's like "hey man, you've got an orange for a head!" and the other guy nods...

You should always be careful using the bathroom around a pirate....

They become irate whenever someone takes a pee.

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

Be careful around angry squids

They tentacle

Be careful hiking...

Hiking in the Ozark National Forest last weekend, I came upon a bear, and could not remember the proper course of action. Instead of playing dead I played *dad*.

Now that bear can ride a bike without training wheels.

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Be careful what you say to your grandkids...

A 5-year-old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied:

"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom a...

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Be careful who you talk to about religion in West Virginia

You could be talking about sects with a miner!

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NSFW Be careful not to buy Viagra from Russian sources

They are attempting to meddle in our erections.

Be careful what you wish for.

Somewhere in Africa this lion was chasing this christian. When the lion caught up with him, the lion knocked him to the ground with one swipe. The stunned christian got up on his knees and offered a prayer to god saying dear god please make this lion a christian lion so that maybe he will have mercy...

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Be careful having phone sex

You may get hearing AIDS

You've got to be careful while making jokes about Pakistani food on Reddit.

You don't want to end up with bad Korma.

Be careful, this ones an antique

A Soviet citizen has spent a few years saving up to buy a new car. Finally he gets his 10,000 rubles together and heads to the state office. He diligently fills out all the paperwork and hands it over the desk with the rubles. The official behind the desk looks it over for a minute, counts the money...

Be careful when you’re trying to get laid with a mermaid

She might have crabs.

You've got to be careful when getting your house exorcised

If you can't afford the payments the priest will repossess your house

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Be careful with NASA’s toilet paper...

It will leave rings around your anus.

A warning to be careful about drunk driving..

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.

On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint ...

Just one, but be careful, or this could get weird

How many time travelers does it take to change a light bulb?

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Be careful of your aim

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years la...

Be careful about buying tickets to a joust

There are always a lot of Sir charges.

Make sure to always be careful when eating mushrooms

If you eat the wrong one you could be in truffle

Be careful when discussing child molestation.

It’s a touchy subject.

Always be careful when renovating bathrooms

It’s all going well until the bank calls you talking about how urine debt

Be careful for what you wish for

I live in my childhood home with my beloved wife and an amazing son. Wishes granted.

Now she wants half of everything..

Our kid is torn between us!

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

Be careful if you use the Bethesda duffel bag.

Your stuff might fallout.

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Be careful what you wish for

Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish."

The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this wh...

Be careful on the roads tonight

Lots of people will be drinking excessively and letting their wives drive. Recipe for disaster.

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Be careful what you wish for

Two men are speeding through Saskatchewan when an RCMP officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the drivers window and taps on it with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and SMACK! The officer clubs him on the head! "This is Saskatchewan, boy! when you get pulled over here you ...

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Be careful this Winter!!!!

Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it. Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you! BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER!

LPT: Be careful driving on New Years Eve

A lot of men will be drunk, so their wives and girlfriends will be the ones driving.

You have to be careful when having a foot fetish

There’s nothing worse than getting off on the wrong foot

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo...

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo...

Me: I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Damn....

You gotta be careful on social media these days.

I mean, just today I accepted a friend request from Xerox. Turns out it was a scan.

News anchors should really be careful these days...

they're always breaking news.

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[NSFW] Be careful what you say

A newly-wed business man planned to go on a business trip and didn't want his wife to cheat on him because he couldn't pleasure her for 3 weeks. So he comes out of the house and goes to the nearest sex store. After asking the store owner what could pleasure his wife for the 3 weeks he was gone, the ...

Be careful of black ice.

I rode my bike over some black ice once. I slipped and fell off, and when I looked up, my bike was gone.

A man got a call from his partner on the way to work, “be careful honey, there’s some lunatic driving the wrong way on the highway!”

“It’s not just one,” the husband replied, “everyone’s doing it!”

*Joke courtesy of my sibling.*

Be Careful What You Wish For...

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger.
A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.


Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes.
However...

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl.

Person 2: Who?

Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...

(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)

Be Careful Doing Drugs in Utah

I recently moved to Utah from San Francisco, and wasn't paying attention once when I wanted to party. I got my LSD mixed up with LDS, and instead of taking a Trip, I ended up on a 2 year mission to Fiji.

"BE CAREFUL! I HAVE OSTEOPOROSIS!"

She snapped.

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PSA: BE CAREFUL SHOPPING AT HOME DEPOT

SHOPPING AT HOME DEPOT

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive ...

Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest.

From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.

Be careful of a dwarf psychic who robbed a bank and escaped earlier...

Police are warning the public of a small medium at large.

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If a guy from Boston ever asks if you want to smoke a hookah be careful

You might end up shooting a prostitute.

Be careful in traffic with your pasta car...

You wouldn't want it to get al dente.

A newly wed woman says to her friend "i gotta be careful not to get pregnant"

Friend: Didn't your husband get a vasectomy?
Woman: Precisely

Be careful about teaching lab retrievers to play fetch.

He almost blew us both up with a meth bomb.

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

Wife calls her husband and says, “Be careful driving home. Some idiot is driving the wrong direction on the freeway.”

Husband frantically replies, “No! It’s not just one guy going the wrong direction! There’s dozens of them!”

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

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Warning! A young lady is on the prowl flashing her breasts at young men and inviting them for sex. Be careful!

It's a booby trap

Be careful, I just received a scam phone call saying I had won tickets to see a tribute act for Elvis Presley or £20,000. Cash.

It said press one for the money. Or two for the show.

An elderly lady calls her husband during his drive home, "Stanley, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 5, Please be careful!"...

Stanley said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

Be careful people,there are a lot of scams on the internet

For £19.99 I can show you how to avoid them

Girls fart too

A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:

-Rocky!!

The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more...

Three girls die and go to heaven...

They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eterni...

When i was younger my grandmother use to say: “Be careful when going out at bars and clubs, they put drugs in your drinks!”

Now, nearly 30 still looking for the place that serves free drugs!

My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true.

Ex gon give it to ya

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

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