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Batteries Jokes

There's a woman in the park sells batteries.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”

"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting

I can sympathize with batteries.

I never get included in anything either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge on it.

How are LGBTQ folks like batteries?

Usually, they are not included.

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

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I totally understand how batteries feel...

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

How do hearing aid batteries compare to other batteries?

They produce a lower number of whats.

I gave away all my dead batteries today..

free of charge.

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache.

Batteries have more in common with Jesus than humans do

They don't sin and they come back from the dead

What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?

Autopsy

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like using a vibrator with no batteries

Sure it fills you up but with none of the buzz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How are assholes and 9volt batteries similar?

Even though you know not to, you still put your tongue on them anyways.

The batteries in my flashlight died

I was delighted

I'm trying to sell some batteries with 25% of juice in them.

Very low charge.

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do 9 volt batteries and butt holes have in common?

You know you shouldn't, but one day you're probably going to try licking one.

People who make counterfeit batteries....

Belong in cells

I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people

All charges were dropped

What's a clock when you take the batteries out?

Ticked off.

I’m selling my dead batteries.

They’re free of charge if you’re interested.

What happens if you put the Energizer bunny's batteries backwards?

He keeps on coming, and coming, and coming...

No, I'm not addicted to taking batteries out of clocks.

I can stop at any time I want.

How many batteries does the Talking Count Von Count toy take?

1 AAA

Why didn’t the AA batteries work on my flesh light?

Because my flesh light only takes a D.

Batteries

This year I'm getting my kids a set of batteries for christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Did you know Navy ships run on commercial batteries?

They run on 7 C's

I put some batteries in my mouse yesterday

And now I’m banned from the pet store

Modern batteries would not work without ionized lithium.

The ions appear to be pretty volatile, I've heard a lot of electronics factories are afraid of unionisation.

Whilst clearing out the shed I found a box full of dead batteries.

I’m giving them away free of charge

Want to hear a joke about dead batteries?

There’s no charge.

A police officer came across a pair of boys eating fireworks and batteries

He decided to charge one and let the other off

Why are phone batteries always so poor?

Because we keep charging them.

Passed an auto parts store today and saw a sign that read, “Dead batteries, $1”

I thought, those should be free of charge.

What batteries do turtles use?

Durashells

What type of batteries do vibrators use?

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDs

What do batteries and anti-vax kids have in common

The people who make them always say they last longer than they actually do.

How much do empty batteries cost?

Nothing, they are free of charge.

Batteries

My girlfriend and I were making out a few weeks ago but she didn't want to go all the way. When I left for the night I asked to borrow some batteries. "Sure" she says.

Two weeks later we're getting cozy but she shuts me down again. On my way out I borrow a few more batteries.

Finally,...

I need to change the batteries in my watch,

but I just don't have the time

It's okay batteries

No one includes me either.

Life and phone batteries are very similar

When their running low, it’s time to plug them into something or they’ll die.

I have a lot in common with batteries...

I'm also never included

A young woman approached a salesman in a department store and said, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."

The salesman motioned with his finger and said, "Come this way."

"If I could come that way," she snapped, "I wouldn't need the damn vibrator."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend has a lucrative business supplying batteries for sex toys at the coast.

She sells C cells by the sea shore.

My mum has a small shop near the beach, where you can buy batteries ...

She sells C cells by the seashore.

Why aren't there any B batteries?

Because people might think you have a stutter.

Whats the difference between batteries and some women?

Batteries have positive sides

I’m giving up on these electric toothbrushes. Mine goes through 2 batteries a week and always starts to smell like fish.

On an unrelated side note, my girlfriend has been in a good mood lately.

what batteries does dora the explorer use?

doracell.

Batteries have a tough life.

They're either working or dead.

An abacus doesn't need batteries

you can always count on it

I called my local recycling centre about what to do with old batteries.

They said they'd take them free of charge.

Why did my girlfriend switch out the batteries in her vibrator?

Because the other ones just didn’t energizer

During Mass, an elderly woman said into her husband's ear:

"I've just had a quiet fart, act like it's nothing..."

Her husband replied: "I'm not going to do anything now, but in the end we're going to buy new batteries for your hearing aid."

You know those boxes full of dead batteries you see in supermarkets? The ones due for recycling. Did you know you can just take them?

They’re free of charge.

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