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Backseat Jokes

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

I called Shotgun long before everyone else, but still had to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

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My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

How do you get a dog to stop barking in the backseat?

You move him to the front.

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a...

My wife used to be a terrible backseat driver.

Now she sits on the front bumper and syphons gas from the car in front of us.

Bob Hope, back when gas was being rationed during WWII

Children left alone in the backseat can cause accidents,

which is ironic considering that accidents in the backseat can cause children.

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.

“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car an...

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What is the difference between thrifting and sex in the backseat of a car?

Nothing, the dress is still half off

"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

"Because we conceived her in Paris."
"Ahh, thanks Dad! "
"You're welcome, Backseat."

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge ...

A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?

Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.

Police 1: Really?

Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk

Police 1: is that everything?

Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun i...

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk

NO BACKSEAT BLONDE

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, wh...

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Backseat drivers are all the same...

.. With the whole.. Nooo.. Why are we going into the woods.

Source: Jimmy Carr. Source because others on this thread think everything here is original content and like to shout shits stolen. Unfunny cunts.

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Late one night, a cop shines his spotlight on a car parked in a church parking lot. He sees an older man in the backseat with a younger woman.

"Okay," the cop says to the man. "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Get out of the car. Now!"

The older man protests, telling the cop, "But officer! I'm Pastor Fluff!"

"I don't give a shit if you're already up her ass, get the fuck out of the car."

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A woman walked into a pet store.

After greeting the store owner, she strolled through the aisles, browsing through the various pets they had on sale. A bulldog with a 50% discount sticker plastered on the kennel containing it caught her eye. She beckoned the shop owner over.

"How much do you want for this little guy?" she a...

Why does she call it the “Ol’ JFK”

Because she gives messy head in the backseat.

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

A man gets pulled over for speeding and the cop sees three penguins in the backseat.

Officer: Sir you need to take those penguins to the zoo.

Man: Yes sir. I'll surely do that.

The next day the cop sees the man speeding down the same stretch of road and pulls him over. The penguins are still there, but this time they have sunglasses on.

Officer: Sir, I thought...

One day a man is at a stoplight and sees a car with penguins in the backseat next to him.

The man asks the driver of the car where the penguins were from.

'I don't know. At the last stop light these penguins just jumped in my car. I don't know what to do with them.

The man thinks for a moment and then says 'You should take them to the zoo.'

'That's a great idea!' s...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver

if he's persuasive.

"Go left."

-"Dude those are trees."

"trust me."

Driving around with my girlfriend

I was driving in the car with my girlfriend when we got pulled over by the police. The officer informed us that we were the first ones they had seen that day wearing seatbelts, and therefore we were awarded a prize of 2000 euros. The policeman was curious about what we planned to do with the money. ...

Three kids ask their mom about their unusual names.

The first kid asks, “Why am I named Kitchen Table?” His mom says, “Well sweetie, when you were born the car was out of gas and we couldn’t get to the hospital, so you were born on the kitchen table.”

The second kid asks, “Why am I named Backseat?” Her mom says, “Well honey, when *you* were bo...

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[NSFW]After a round of golf...

a guy heads back to the club house. There, he sees a beautiful, blonde, big breasted woman, and naturally, he heads over to flirt with her. They hit it off, and decide to play a round together.

He is doing his best to impress, but she cleans his clock, winning by 9 strokes. Embarrassed, his m...

I took a ride last night, and I guess Uber will just hire anyone now.

I had to sit in the backseat because the driver’s guide-dog was riding shotgun.

A Blonde Date

Guy met a beautiful blonde and asked her for a date. They go to dinner and everything went fine. On the way home, Romeo decides to stop at the local Lover's Lane. They start kissing and things are getting pretty hot. So Romeo asks the Blonde, "Hey, how would you like to move to the back seat?" Blo...

My buddy Jacob is a bad driver

So Jacob got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.

Jacob said, "this is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my ba...

The pope

The pope is arriving to Roma Airport. The pope car is not ready so a cardinal sends his private driver waiting him to the airport.

When the pope arrives he sees the driver has come with a Ferrari.

The pope says "please, I'm a real fan of nice cars and this car is so wonderful I want to...

How did the car accident happen?

My wife fell asleep in the backseat

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

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An old and crusty retired Army Master Sergeant was sitting by himself at a bar [mildly NSFW]

...when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him.

"May I buy you a drink?" she asks him. He obliges.

She's obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him "So t...

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Everyone needs a reliable DD

A man pulls out of the parking lot of a busy Bar at closing time, he begins to swerve and drive eratic. The officer that was parked across the street turned his lights on and pulls him over.. At this time more cars began to leave and everyone who passed honked and waved. The officer paid it no atte...

My son, Carson, asked me where he got his name

I told him, "well you were conceived in the backseat of my car, so you're our car-son"

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Johnny was on a date...

They were getting hot and heavy in the backseat and he reached down into her panties.

Her warm wet pussy opened slightly and he inserted a finger.

After a minute or so of finger banging she whispered in his ear begging him. "Oooh put another finger in."

Surprised he replied "Je...

I want to die in my sleep, like my grandpa did.

and not screaming like the passengers in the backseat.

What do you call a golf club in the rear of your car?

A backseat driver

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the bac...

Two elderly couples share a car

They're driving on the German motorway. Their speed is exactly 81 km/h. A police officer stops them. One of the elderly chaps asks:

'Good day officer, were we speeding?'

'No, not at all. But why are you going so slowly?'

'Why, can we drive faster?'

'Of course, 130km/h eas...

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A newlywed couple was driving in the country


As they’re driving along, the wife starts getting horny. She starts flirting with her husband and he starts getting horny. They both agree they have to have it RIGHT NOW. Being out in the country, out in the middle of nowhere to say little of being miles and miles from home, the husband pulls the ca...

A monk from Nepal travels to Germany


When he steps out of the airport he goes to the pick-up lane and raises his hand to call a taxi. An incoming taxi driver notices the Nepali and pulls up next to him with his big, luxurious Mercedes Benz car. The monk boards the taxi but as he has never seen such a big and shiny car before, he curiou...

It's About Time

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on.

In the driver's seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as...

There was once a little boy...

... he was riding home from a fishing trip with his grandpa when he shouted “Gramps! I gotta pee!” His grandfather replied “Timmy, we are out in the middle of nowhere you will have to hold it”. So, along they drive. After a while the grandpa hears a sobbing from the backseat. “Timmy, what’s wrong...

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

How did they know Lady Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head and Shoulders in the backseat.

Kissing her where it smells

I was making out with my mistress in the backseat and she said to me, “Kiss me where it smells!” So, naturally, I hopped into the driver’s seat and drove her to Secaucus.

Any of you from NJ?

A cop stopped a car and said, “Congrats you just won $1000 for wearing your seatbelt!”

He replies,”Do u think I’m good enough to get a license?” Then a woman in the passenger seat said,”Don’t listen to him, he becomes a smartass when he’s drunk.” Someone else in the backseat says,”I knew we wouldn’t get too far with a stolen car.” Finally a knock comes from the trunk and someone says,...

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Over the last few months I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping at Home Depot.

Simply going out to get supplies


has turned out to be very traumatic for me. Don't be


naĂŻve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your


friends. Here's how the scam works:


Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over

...

A car is pulled over by a police officer. The officer walks up to the driver and says, "Congratulations, you're the 100th driver to remember putting on your seatbelt today, and so you have won $2000! So sir, what do you think you'll do with those money?"

The driver says, "I'd probably buy a driver's license."

His wife sitting next to him says "Don't listen to him Officer, he's been drinking."

A man exclaims from the backseat, "I've told you both this, we never get anywhere in stolen cars!"

A voice can be heard from the trunk sho...

It's just miracle water

So this man was pulled over at the customs.

They had a look in his car and found a big plastic can in the backseat.

\- What have we here?, asked the officer.

\- That? The man replayed, that's miracle water from Canada.

The office loosened the lid and put his nose to t...

Driving test (Blonde)

Why did the blonde keep failing her driving test?
Every time the instructor said "let's start" she would jump to the backseat ...
....
....

A cop pulls over a car during a traffic check

A cop pulls over a car during a traffic check and as he's asking the driver for his credentials, he spots three penguins sitting in the backseat.

"Sir, what are you doing with three penguins in your car?" asked the cop.

"That's a funny story." answered the man, "I won these off of a fr...

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I was out driving last night, when I started feeling a little bit horny


I picked up a hooker and did her in the backseat and really enjoyed myself, but I think I failed my driving test


A blonde gets in her car...

and notices that her dashboard windshield and steering wheel were missing she called the cops and reported a theft when the cops arrived she was crying in her car and the cops went up to her and said "Ma'am you are sitting in the backseat".

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Two friends at the gym

Two friends meet at the gym and are going to take a shower.

One of them notices that the other is wearing women's panties.

-Panties? what the fuck Tim?

What? It's the latest trend!

-Really? And when did that trend started?

When my wife found a pair in the backseat ...

A man and his family are driving along when they're pulled over by a policeman who informs them that they're the one-millionth car to drive past his checkout, and hands them a prize check for 1000 dollars.

"What are you going to do with your winnings?" Asks the policeman.
"I think I'll use it to finally get some driving lessons!" says the husband
"Don't listen to him, he's drunk!" Barks the wife, which wakes the mother-in-law in the backseat
Upon seeing the policeman, she exclaims "Gah,...

Schrödinger gets pulled over by a cop...

When the officer walks up to the window and asks Schrödinger for his license and registration, the psychologist seems to be a little off. Not sure if Schrödinger is drunk and/or on drugs, the officer asks him to step out of the car so he can perform a sobriety test. Schrödinger passes with flying co...

A driver loses control of her car, sliding towards a concrete wall...

At the last moment, the companion on the front seat pulls the handbrake. The car turns around and stops inches from the wall.

The pale passengers from the backseats start to cheer their savior.

-Ah, no, honestly, you don't need to thank me. I'm not a driver! I'm a fighter-jet pilot, an...

I'm sitting in a bar having a drink ...

... and I see man fall down. I go over and pick him up. "Bartender, do you know where this man lives? I'll give him a lift home." He tells me where he lives. I grab the guy, pull him down to the car, put him in the car, he falls into the backseat. I get to the address, pull the man out, he falls dow...

Son: Dad, why is my sister's name Florence?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Florence, Italy.

Son: I guess that's a nice way of naming your kids.

Dad: Yeah, Backseat, it is.

Schrödinger is in a car...

...and gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop, after writing a ticket, notices a peculiar smell and asks to check for the source. After looking under the car, glancing over at the backseat and popping the trunk, he rushes over.
Cop: "Sir! Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"<...

I was having a beer at the bar when a mate walks in, panicked

He sits down next to me and tells me he’s left his sidekick in the car, because she drives him absolutely mad and he really needed a break.

I chuckled at his irresponsible behavior before he tells me “I told her I’d be back in a few minutes, but all lights in my car are broken anyway, can’t y...

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I used to be a cop..

I'm on the job six weeks. Barely out of training floaties. I'm on foot patrol. It's a little before midnight. I clock this beat up Plymouth with Jersey plates, parked under the bridge. Trusty flashlight I walk over, I rap on the glass. In the backseat, there's a girl doing her homework. In the front...

3 blondes in a car

3 blondes are in a car driving down a country road when they come across a field of tall grass and out in the grass is another blonde in a row boat trying to row. The driver seeing this exclaims: "damn it it's blondes like that who give us all a bad name."

The girl next to her says "yeah tha...

An elderly woman is driving 17 mph on a highway

A cop pulls her over and says “Ma’am, you should know driving too slow is as much of a risk as driving too fast.”

The woman pointed to a sign and said “But Officer, I was going exactly the speed limit!”

The officer says “That’s the route number. You’re on US-17.” He notices another e...

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My girlfriend wanted to have sex somewhere exciting

My girlfriend wanted to have sex somewhere exciting.

So I waited until night and told her to get in the car with me and cover her eyes.

I drove for a while and parked then we got in the back seat and starting having sex.

She said "Ooh, this IS exciting! Doing it in the bac...

I was driving in the road and almost hit a fox...

...so I thought it would be a great pet for me.

Placed it over the backseat and continued driving. 2 miles ahead a police officer stopped me and asked me if h could inspect my vehicle due to reports of drug dealers in the area, I agreed, as soon he aproached the back window he saw the fox and...

A police officer stops a car and says:

- "Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge - you win $10,000!"

- "What will you do with that money?"

The driver gets very emotional and says,

- "First of all, I'll finally make my drivers license!"

The wife cuts in,

- "Don't lis...

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A mexican was driving his car when a police officer stopped him...

The police said: Congratulations, you are one of the 1000th drivers who is using a seatbelt.

The mexican said: Thank you so much!

Then the police asked: What are you going to do with the money?

The mexican thought for a few seconds and said: Well I was thinking about getting a ...

A Lawyer is on the road when he finds an armadillo.

A lawyer was travelling on the road in his fancy car when an armadillo crossed the road in front of him.





He stops and takes the armadillo to his backseat.





Far aside, the lawyer is stopped in a sobriety checkpoint.





The policeman ask...

The pope is travelling through Canada...

...watching the wonderful landscape flying by as his chauffeur drives him across the seemingly endless roads through the wilderness.
Eventually though, he grows bored and asks his chauffeur if he can drive for a bit.
"Listen", the pope says, "I'll drive for an hour, nobody will see. You can ...

4 old ladies are pulled over on the highway...

They're pulled over, because they're only going 17 mph, which isn't safe on a highway. The cop points this out to the one driving, and she says,

"Oh I'm sorry, officer. I thought that was the speed limit."

"No, that was the highway number. The speed limit is 80 mph, but you have to g...

A cop pulls over a driver on the highway

When the driver steps out of the vehicle for the officer, the officer is surprised to see a dozen penguins in the backseat of his car. The cop asks, "Sir, why are there 12 penguins in the back of your car?" The man replies by simply saying, "They're my pets."

The officer, knowing that there w...

A frisky couple are speeding down the highway one day...

The girl takes off all of her clothes and throws them into the backseat. Just as things are getting heated, the guy loses control of his car and they roll over into the ditch. Dazed and bruised, the girl crawls out of the shattered window, and limps around to her boyfriend's side of the car.

...

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The Dogs

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.


"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I we...

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The dildo delivery truck

A mother is driving her car down the road with her young son in the back in his carseat.

A truck in front of her hits a big bump and out of the back flies an enormous thick floppy purple dildo that smacks into her windshield and flies off to the side.

"JESUS CHRIST" she yells and swerv...

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(NSFW) A truck driver picks up a hitchhiker

This truck driver is going down the highway and he sees a hitchhiker on the road. He stops and asks, "You need a ride?" The hitchhiker is ecstatic and agrees, thankful that he can cover more ground quickly.

After a couple hours he is getting restless and asks, "Man I'm bored, how do you get ...

A Cop Pulls Over a Guy in a Convertible Filled w/ Penguins...

So a motorcycle cop is weaving in and out of traffic and stumbles upon a guy driving a convertible with the top down. In the backseat, he sees 10 penguins. The cop signals for the driver to pull over, and when he approaches the car, he lays into the guy...

"What do you think you are doing? Th...

The penguin joke (not the ice cream one)

So this guy is driving down the road with some penguins. Now some guys have penguins; this dude had some penguins! Dozens and dozens of the little dudes all piled up in guy’s car cruising down the road. Well this state trooper sees him and pulls him over. Trooper walks up to the car, “Mister, I’m go...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tea...

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Fancy Restaurant

A hillbilly finds himself in an unfamiliar part of town and he's hungry. He pulls his rust bucket into the parking lot of a restaurant and approaches the front door with his sleeveless tee-shirt, holey ripped jeans, shaggy beard, do-rag, and tattoos but he's stopped by the Maitre'D before he can en...

The Pope is finishing a trip to USA in LA

As he finishes his last speaking engagement he is picked up by a limo, and climbs into the backseat ready for the journey to the airport.
While sitting in the back of the limo he starts thinking this is a pretty beautiful car, and it's been a long time since I have driven, so he winds down the p...

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

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