How do you get a dog to stop barking in the backseat?

You move him to the front.

Children in the backseat can cause accidents...

but accidents in the backseat can cause children.

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

A man and his family are driving along when they're pulled over by a policeman who informs them that they're the one-millionth car to drive past his checkout, and hands them a prize check for 1000 dollars.

"What are you going to do with your winnings?" Asks the policeman.
"I think I'll use it to finally get some driving lessons!" says the husband
"Don't listen to him, he's drunk!" Barks the wife, which wakes the mother-in-law in the backseat
Upon seeing the policeman, she exclaims "Gah,...

My buddy Jacob is a bad driver. He got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.

Jacob said, "This is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast". The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork an...

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My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

A cop pulls over a man with 20 penguins in the backseat

He lets him off with a warning and asks him to take them to the zoo.

Next day, he again pulls him over and the penguins are still in the car.

"Didn't I tell you to take them to the zoo yesterday?! Why are you still driving them around?"

"I did take them to the zoo yesterday." ...

A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."

The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."

His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."

No Backseat Blonde

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, wh...

The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.

Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar."

The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?"

The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license...

One day a man is at a stoplight and sees a car with penguins in the backseat next to him.

The man asks the driver of the car where the penguins were from.

'I don't know. At the last stop light these penguins just jumped in my car. I don't know what to do with them.

The man thinks for a moment and then says 'You should take them to the zoo.'

'That's a great idea!' s...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

The pope is travelling through Canada...

...watching the wonderful landscape flying by as his chauffeur drives him across the seemingly endless roads through the wilderness.
Eventually though, he grows bored and asks his chauffeur if he can drive for a bit.
"Listen", the pope says, "I'll drive for an hour, nobody will see. You can ...

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Backseat drivers are all the same...

.. With the whole.. Nooo.. Why are we going into the woods.

Source: Jimmy Carr. Source because others on this thread think everything here is original content and like to shout shits stolen. Unfunny cunts.

A man gets pulled over for speeding and the cop sees three penguins in the backseat.

Officer: Sir you need to take those penguins to the zoo.

Man: Yes sir. I'll surely do that.

The next day the cop sees the man speeding down the same stretch of road and pulls him over. The penguins are still there, but this time they have sunglasses on.

Officer: Sir, I thought...

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

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A cop pulls over a driver...

A cop pulls over a driver and says that because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition.

“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked.

The man responded “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”

At that momen...

[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver

if he's persuasive.

"Go left."

-"Dude those are trees."

"trust me."

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A nun gets into a cab

The cab driver sees her in the backseat and says "I have always had a fantasy about nuns."

She answers "you and everyone else! Are you a Catholic?"

Driver says yes, so she tells him to pull over.

She hops in the front seat and gives him the best blow job he ever had. She gets d...

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

I was driving in the road and almost hit a fox...

...so I thought it would be a great pet for me.

Placed it over the backseat and continued driving. 2 miles ahead a police officer stopped me and asked me if h could inspect my vehicle due to reports of drug dealers in the area, I agreed, as soon he aproached the back window he saw the fox and...

A Lawyer is on the road when he finds an armadillo.

A lawyer was travelling on the road in his fancy car when an armadillo crossed the road in front of him.





He stops and takes the armadillo to his backseat.





Far aside, the lawyer is stopped in a sobriety checkpoint.





The policeman ask...

A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?

Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.

Police 1: Really?

Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk

Police 1: is that everything?

Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun i...

A car is pulled over by a police officer. The officer walks up to the driver and says, "Congratulations, you're the 100th driver to remember putting on your seatbelt today, and so you have won $2000! So sir, what do you think you'll do with those money?"

The driver says, "I'd probably buy a driver's license."

His wife sitting next to him says "Don't listen to him Officer, he's been drinking."

A man exclaims from the backseat, "I've told you both this, we never get anywhere in stolen cars!"

A voice can be heard from the trunk sho...

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I used to be a cop..

I'm on the job six weeks. Barely out of training floaties. I'm on foot patrol. It's a little before midnight. I clock this beat up Plymouth with Jersey plates, parked under the bridge. Trusty flashlight I walk over, I rap on the glass. In the backseat, there's a girl doing her homework. In the front...

So...I’m (male) at Gap shopping for clothes back in senior year of high school...(long)

...looking for some clothes for college. I’m in the midst of picking out a new pair of pants, when out of the corner of my eye, I notice a middle-aged woman staring at me from the other side of the store. I ignore it briefly, and continue looking for my clothing purchases.

10 minutes later, ...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

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My girlfriend wanted to have sex somewhere exciting

My girlfriend wanted to have sex somewhere exciting.

So I waited until night and told her to get in the car with me and cover her eyes.

I drove for a while and parked then we got in the back seat and starting having sex.

She said "Ooh, this IS exciting! Doing it in the bac...

A driver loses control of her car, sliding towards a concrete wall...

At the last moment, the companion on the front seat pulls the handbrake. The car turns around and stops inches from the wall.

The pale passengers from the backseats start to cheer their savior.

-Ah, no, honestly, you don't need to thank me. I'm not a driver! I'm a fighter-jet pilot, an...

(NSFW) A truck driver picks up a hitchhiker

This truck driver is going down the highway and he sees a hitchhiker on the road. He stops and asks, "You need a ride?" The hitchhiker is ecstatic and agrees, thankful that he can cover more ground quickly.

After a couple hours he is getting restless and asks, "Man I'm bored, how do you get ...

3 blondes in a car

3 blondes are in a car driving down a country road when they come across a field of tall grass and out in the grass is another blonde in a row boat trying to row. The driver seeing this exclaims: "damn it it's blondes like that who give us all a bad name."

The girl next to her says "yeah tha...

An elderly woman is driving 17 mph on a highway

A cop pulls her over and says “Ma’am, you should know driving too slow is as much of a risk as driving too fast.”

The woman pointed to a sign and said “But Officer, I was going exactly the speed limit!”

The officer says “That’s the route number. You’re on US-17.” He notices another e...

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[NSFW]After a round of golf...

a guy heads back to the club house. There, he sees a beautiful, blonde, big breasted woman, and naturally, he heads over to flirt with her. They hit it off, and decide to play a round together.

He is doing his best to impress, but she cleans his clock, winning by 9 strokes. Embarrassed, his m...

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An old and crusty retired Army Master Sergeant was sitting by himself at a bar [mildly NSFW]

...when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him.

"May I buy you a drink?" she asks him. He obliges.

She's obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him "So t...

Two elderly couples share a car

They're driving on the German motorway. Their speed is exactly 81 km/h. A police officer stops them. One of the elderly chaps asks:

'Good day officer, were we speeding?'

'No, not at all. But why are you going so slowly?'

'Why, can we drive faster?'

'Of course, 130km/h eas...

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A mexican was driving his car when a police officer stopped him...

The police said: Congratulations, you are one of the 1000th drivers who is using a seatbelt.

The mexican said: Thank you so much!

Then the police asked: What are you going to do with the money?

The mexican thought for a few seconds and said: Well I was thinking about getting a ...

I'm sitting in a bar having a drink ...

... and I see man fall down. I go over and pick him up. "Bartender, do you know where this man lives? I'll give him a lift home." He tells me where he lives. I grab the guy, pull him down to the car, put him in the car, he falls into the backseat. I get to the address, pull the man out, he falls dow...

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A man is on a road trip with his family.

He's driving, his wife is next to him with a severe headache, and his kids are in the backseat being little obnoxious jerks, as kids do. They had to get up early that morning to leave, and as such the kids are tired and cranky, and it was so hard to get everyone ready that he didn't even have time t...

Schrödinger gets pulled over by a cop...

When the officer walks up to the window and asks Schrödinger for his license and registration, the psychologist seems to be a little off. Not sure if Schrödinger is drunk and/or on drugs, the officer asks him to step out of the car so he can perform a sobriety test. Schrödinger passes with flying co...

A police officer stops a car and says:

- "Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge - you win $10,000!"

- "What will you do with that money?"

The driver gets very emotional and says,

- "First of all, I'll finally make my drivers license!"

The wife cuts in,

- "Don't lis...

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I was out driving last night, when I started feeling a little bit horny…

I picked up a hooker and did her in the backseat and really enjoyed myself, but I think I failed my driving test…

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Two friends at the gym

Two friends meet at the gym and are going to take a shower.

One of them notices that the other is wearing women's panties.

-Panties? what the fuck Tim?

What? It's the latest trend!

-Really? And when did that trend started?

When my wife found a pair in the backseat ...

A blonde gets in her car...

and notices that her dashboard windshield and steering wheel were missing she called the cops and reported a theft when the cops arrived she was crying in her car and the cops went up to her and said "Ma'am you are sitting in the backseat".

What do you call a golf club in the rear of your car?

A backseat driver

4 old ladies are pulled over on the highway...

They're pulled over, because they're only going 17 mph, which isn't safe on a highway. The cop points this out to the one driving, and she says,

"Oh I'm sorry, officer. I thought that was the speed limit."

"No, that was the highway number. The speed limit is 80 mph, but you have to g...

A cop pulls over a driver on the highway

When the driver steps out of the vehicle for the officer, the officer is surprised to see a dozen penguins in the backseat of his car. The cop asks, "Sir, why are there 12 penguins in the back of your car?" The man replies by simply saying, "They're my pets."

The officer, knowing that there w...

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The Dogs

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.


"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I we...

I want to die in my sleep, like my grandpa did.

and not screaming like the passengers in the backseat.

The Pope is finishing a trip to USA in LA

As he finishes his last speaking engagement he is picked up by a limo, and climbs into the backseat ready for the journey to the airport.
While sitting in the back of the limo he starts thinking this is a pretty beautiful car, and it's been a long time since I have driven, so he winds down the p...

Schrödinger is in a car...

...and gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop, after writing a ticket, notices a peculiar smell and asks to check for the source. After looking under the car, glancing over at the backseat and popping the trunk, he rushes over.
Cop: "Sir! Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"<...

Son: Dad, why is my sister's name Florence?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Florence, Italy.

Son: I guess that's a nice way of naming your kids.

Dad: Yeah, Backseat, it is.

A cop pulls over a car during a traffic check

A cop pulls over a car during a traffic check and as he's asking the driver for his credentials, he spots three penguins sitting in the backseat.

"Sir, what are you doing with three penguins in your car?" asked the cop.

"That's a funny story." answered the man, "I won these off of a fr...

A frisky couple are speeding down the highway one day...

The girl takes off all of her clothes and throws them into the backseat. Just as things are getting heated, the guy loses control of his car and they roll over into the ditch. Dazed and bruised, the girl crawls out of the shattered window, and limps around to her boyfriend's side of the car.

...

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Fancy Restaurant

A hillbilly finds himself in an unfamiliar part of town and he's hungry. He pulls his rust bucket into the parking lot of a restaurant and approaches the front door with his sleeveless tee-shirt, holey ripped jeans, shaggy beard, do-rag, and tattoos but he's stopped by the Maitre'D before he can en...

A man is taking his family to his father's funeral...

.. He is talking with his wife as his two children sit in the backseat, the daughter fiddles with her phone charger while the son listens in.

"Honey, I don't know what I'm going to say in his eulogy."

"Well, you could make comparisons, say he was as strong as an ox."

"Yeah, that...

Today I Called Shotgun...

And the cop still put me in the backseat...

A Cop Pulls Over a Guy in a Convertible Filled w/ Penguins...

So a motorcycle cop is weaving in and out of traffic and stumbles upon a guy driving a convertible with the top down. In the backseat, he sees 10 penguins. The cop signals for the driver to pull over, and when he approaches the car, he lays into the guy...

"What do you think you are doing? Th...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tea...

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The dildo delivery truck

A mother is driving her car down the road with her young son in the back in his carseat.

A truck in front of her hits a big bump and out of the back flies an enormous thick floppy purple dildo that smacks into her windshield and flies off to the side.

"JESUS CHRIST" she yells and swerv...

The penguin joke (not the ice cream one)

So this guy is driving down the road with some penguins. Now some guys have penguins; this dude had some penguins! Dozens and dozens of the little dudes all piled up in guy’s car cruising down the road. Well this state trooper sees him and pulls him over. Trooper walks up to the car, “Mister, I’m go...

What's going on?

A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple in a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the window and asks whats going on.

"Listening to music," the ...

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New trick thief racket

Im just here to warn you, about this gang.
They appear on parking areas in front of supermarkets.

Seems like at the moment often at walmart.
2 very cute 18 - 20 year old girls will start to wash your car while you put your groceries in. They have barely clothes on, so you could see thei...

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A family was in their car...

Driving on the highway, when out of the car in front of them flies a large dildo. It lands with a THUMP on the windshield.

Their 5 year old daughter in the backseat asks, "What was that?!"

"Just a bug, honey," responds the mother.

The daughter looks surprised, but says "Well h...

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