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Assisted Jokes

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

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Two old men were talking at an assisted living facility

One man said "You know, I think my wife may be dead!"

The second man asked "Why would you think that?!"

"Well," said the first man "the sex is about the same but the laundry's piling up."

At a welcome seminar at a senior assisted living facility...

...the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be of limits for all males, and likewise the male dormitory to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time".

He continued "Anybody caught ...

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The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

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Reading a book about assisted suicide but it's fucking boring.

I need someone to help me finish it.

Hospitals should allow assisted suicide.

They'd make a killing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] [long] An aging father has decided to go into assisted living

Because he didn't want to burden his son. He had been having trouble around the house and had a few scary falls. His son begged him to stay at his family's house, because he felt that this was the best plan.
"Dad, please! Stay with us! I've heard those places are horrible!" His father says "No wa...

Investing in an assisted suicide centre has its pros and cons

The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers

My friend said that China might be considering assisted suicide for teenagers

He's probably wrong, but if he's right, that would mark the beginning of euthanasia of youth in Asia.

Long- There is this old couple who could no longer care for themselves so they join an assisted living center

At first everything is going fine as they transition to the new lifestyle. When they first had joined the center they were seen as a loving couple as he had his hand on her thigh and she had her hand on his but over time they seemed to drift apart and about a year later he no longer even sat with he...

Headline: Cumberbatch lumber hatch rumble match and humble thatch.

Press Release:

An academy award nominated actor kicked in his neighbor's woodshed door and started a fist fight. Afterward, the actor apologized and assisted in repairs of the shed's damaged grass roof.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An active and successful widowed man finds himself at the end of his days in an upscale assisted living home.

His consoling and rich friends came to spend the last days with the man. While he was still coherent, they decide to hire him a hooker for a final hurrah.

They make the arrangements and the beautiful bubbly woman arrives at the nursing home for the assist a while later. She tells the man “Yo...

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