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Asses Jokes

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Women and their asses

There was a recent study about women and how they feel about their asses, and the results were quite interesting. 30% of women think their ass is way too fat
10% of women think their ass is way too skinny
And the remaining 60% said they didn’t care, that they love him, he’s a good man and that...

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...

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I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

Why do bots have nice asses?

Because of the back end developers.

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A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-mor...

Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.

Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, "you should pay your guys more!" The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, "they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that's ju...

What has one eye and two asses?

Assassin.

My friend is so lucky, his gf doesn't mind him checking as many asses as he wants!

By the way, he is a proctologist.

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Why have blind people stopped wiping their asses?

They can’t see shit.

Lazy asses!! Thug Life.

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?  - Oh Harry, that would be lovely!  - Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

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Little Johnnie is in the living room playing with his train set…

when his mom overheard him in the kitchen yelling “alright you sonsabitches! Everyone headed westbound to Memphis, get your asses to platform number 9! And for all you motherfuckers going eastbound to Raleigh, head your big asses to platform number 10!”

Mom comes in fuming…

“JOHNNIE!! ...

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I always wanted to make a joke that would make everyone laugh their asses off.

But then I realised that if I did do that, I would have to pay for all of the ass reattachment surgeries.

How do you call someone with two asses?

Biased

I told my date that I've got a thing for asses, but she didn't approve.

To be fair, I should've just said that I own a stable.

Shovels, Asses and Camels

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this ...

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

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I was going to make a joke about asses.

Butt fuck it

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An elderly woman is sitting behind two loud and boisterous Italian men on a bus.

The two men are drawing looks and glares from the rest of the riders, but aside from rolling her eyes from time to time, she keeps her thoughts to herself. The ride continues like this for awhile, until the woman hears the following exchange from one of the Italian men to the other:

"Emma com...

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

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two italians

Two Italians were talking on the bus. One of them says to the other, “Emma comes first, then I come, then two asses they come together, then I come again, then two asses come together once again, then I come again, pee twice, then I come one last’a time.”

Another passenger responds with, “Wel...

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What do you call a couple of asses standing next to eachother in an asparagus field?

An ass-pair, I guess?

Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return?

Cancer.

What's a Dominatrix's favorite creature in Greek mythology?

PegAsses

As a commercial livestock hauler, my main responsibility is transporting donkeys.

My clients..have their asses handed to them.

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