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So this amputee girl I met on Tinder invited me to a party with her other amputee girlfriends.

The place was crawling with pussy.

Why don't foot amputees really care when they lose a game?

Because they are used to being defeated.

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Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.

I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."

I always wanted to be an amputee but it’s way to expensive.

I hear it cost an arm or a leg

What do you call a quadruple amputee waiting by your door?

Matt

Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse...

On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.

A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.

I just came up with this one, and I feel embarrassed, but... Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.

.. they're all stubborn.

So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day

I got cut-off.

A double amputee walks into a Communist prosthetic's shop and says...

Two arms, Comrade.

What does an amputee veteran do?

He calls for arms...

I heard a double amputee got arrested on weapons charges

They must've gotten the wrong guy, he's definitely unarmed

Did you hear about the amputee who nearly died from an allergic reaction?

Apparently he was lack-toes intolerant.

I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we were having for dinner tonight.

She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"

Did you hear about the blind amputee who realized Braille wasn't for him?

He just wasn't feeling it.

But seriously, he was just out of touch.

Everyone sat around the table at the arm amputee support group

Speaker: how about a group hug to cheer everyone up

Amazingly, the man that broke into my house is actually a quadruple amputee

...thanks to my bullmastiff.

What do you call an amputee learning karate?

Partial arts

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What do you call a stripper who works with amputees?

A stump grinder

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Amputee kink?

Check out PornNub

My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg.

It's just a stocking filler

Which kind of jokes don't amputees find funny?

Knee slappers.

My amputee buddy asked me for a hand.

I didn't believe he had the nerve to say that.

What do you call an amputee trying to do karate?

Partial Arts.

Edit: It's been pointed out that the grammatical construction of this joke could have been better. How about: "What is it called when an amputee does karate? Partial Arts.

Edit edit: best follow up question: What's an amputee's favourite karate weapon? Nub chucks.

What’s the difference between somebody who doesn’t drink milk and somebody who dislikes amputees?

One is lactose intolerant, the other is lack toes intolerant

The other day, I finally asked my pretty amputee coworker out.

She didn't answer, I guess she was stumped.

What's an amputee's favorite toy?

Legos.

Why didn’t the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

What did the man say to the amputee?

What's wrong? You look de-feeted.

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Went to a party for amputees the other day

The place was crawling with pussy

Olympic bilateral amputee Oscar Pistorius lost his appeal for the crime of murder. The Judge said...

He didn't have a leg to stand on.

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What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?

Amputee

Double amputee goes missing from local hospital

"Well, it's not like he could have grown legs and walked off", alleges trauma specialist.

What did Patrick Stump say to the double arm amputee?

I AM AN ARMMSS DEALER

I met this Amputee Lumberjack

He said his specialty was stumps

I got a haircut from an amputee barber

He did it single handedly

Did you hear about the bilateral amputee who robbed a bank?

Police say he’s no longer armed, but he’s still on the run.

Amputees that don't have both arms biggest nightmare at work

Being hands on.

An amputee woman was having a drink in a bar...

...when a man comes up and asks about her missing leg.

"Oh, it's really quite an amazing story," she said. "I used to love surfing! I rode waves all day and all night, rain or shine. One morning, after just an hour or so of surfing, a great white shark came and knocked me right off the bo...

An Amputee magician says...

There's nothing up my sleeve.

What’s an amputees favourite store?

The second hand store

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

What is an amputee kickboxer's greatest weakness

His inability to walk away from a fight

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I found that amputee porn wasn't for me

There was just something missing...

Why did the amputee have such bad luck robbing banks?

He wasn't armed.

What do you call a two foot amputee?

Defeeted

As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost.

He said an arm and a leg.

Leg amputees are the most courageous people on earth.

Whatever the situation, they never get cold feet.

I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

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My buddy started an amputee porn production company.

He calls it XYX.

Does the body burn fewer calories in a day in amputees?

Yes. By an arm and a leg.

Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward?

He was armed.

What to you call the quadruple amputee on your doorstep?

Matt.


What do you call him when he's in the pool?

Bob.


What do you call him when he's nailed to the wall?

Art.


What do you call him if he's in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

How did an amputee cat regrow a leg after falling of a building?

Well, we all know that a cat always lands on all fours.

Why was it obvious that a double amputee was the last one to exit a UK pub?

He was legless

Amputee

There was a girl with no arms or legs sitting on a wheelchair in park by a lake. A jogger ran past and noticed she is crying. So sympathetically he asks her whats wrong and sobbing she replied she has never been hugged before, so the man hugged her and ran away. The next day the jogging man noticed...

Why are amputees good assassins?

Because they don't leave fingerprints

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What's the best part about going to an amputee strip club?

Place is crawling with pussy.

I once had a roommate who was an amputee and had a bad habit of stating the obvious.

We nicknamed him Legless. One day, he grew tired of this joke and insisted that we call him by his name, 'Li'. So now we call him Gimpli.

Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!"...

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A quadruple amputee goes to the beach...

A quadruple amputee goes to the beach. A man walks by her and she calls him over. The man asks if he can help her. She says because of her disability, she is not involved in much sexual activity and asks if she can give him a blow job. The man says sure and proceeds to get a blow job. After she is d...

Saw an amputee in the gym today..

Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.

An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.

Amputees make horrible detectives

The know they are missing something, but they just can’t put their finger on it.

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

Have you heard of the amputee protest that turned into a riot?

It was out of hand.

Why are amputees the easiest to subdue?

They’re always unarmed

Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget?

The Secondhand store.

That's the last time I do a pub crawl with an amputee.

He really couldn't hold his drink.

Once bought a painting from a double amputee.

He was an all right artist, but it cost an arm and a leg.

What’s the difference between someone who can’t eat cheese, and someone who hates amputees?

Ones lactose intolerant, the other is lack-toes intolerant

Why did the amputee have to sue to walk into the bar?

The owner was lack-toes-intolerant.

This joke was brought to you by literally every other post in r/boneappletea.

She said she could never date an amputee.

I could never fill her ex's shoes.

Today I was told that I sing like an amputee.

Apparently I can't hold a note or carry a tune.

So a quadriplegic amputee went...

Absolutely nowhere.

What type of fighting technique do amputees practice?

Partial arts.

A group of amputees have escaped after a violent bank robbery,

one armed and dangerous.

What do you get when a soviet paraplegic chases an American double-amputee?

An arms race.

An amputee got to a particularly tough spot in his recovery...

I guess you could say he got stumped.

What do you call a double-amputee Irish elf?

Leg O'Las

How can you tell if an amputee hates milk?

If he lacks toes!

Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged.

I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.

(H/T Demetri Martin)

How can you tell if amputees are vegan?

They lack toes.

Why was the amputee such a bad singer?

Because he couldn’t hold a note or carry a tune!

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A quadruple amputee is sitting on a beach crying...

A man walks up and asks "Excuse me ma'am, why are you crying?

"I've never been hugged."
He picks her up, hugs her, and walks away.

A while later, another man strolls by. He stops and asks "Im sorry to bother you, but why are you crying?"

"I've never been kissed." she replies....

A quadruple amputee is opening his present on christmas.

He crawls over to the tree and tears in to the wrapping with his teeth. The paper flies everywhere as the present is revealed.

"Not another hat..."

What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Where do amputee's go out to eat?

IHop.

What do you call a quadruple amputee who's a member of organized crime?

The head

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.

I was about to be given a yellow card for punching another player in the face, but then the ref noticed I was an amputee.

No arm, no foul.

An amputee broke into my house last night and tried to steal my stuff

Luckily he was unarmed

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What do you call a porn site for amputees?

PornNub

What did the double hand amputee get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't managed to open it yet.

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Why do people like amputee porn?

It fucking stumps me.

I hate how people treat amputees differently.

Just because they're missing a limb or two doesn't make them any less of a person.

I told a riddle to a double amputee once

Boy did it leave him stumped

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I keep hearing about this benefit for female amputees

I have never been, but I hear it’s crawling with pussy

My dog is an amputee and his fake leg fell off while we were showing it to our friends.

It was quite the faux paw.

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I ran across an old copy of the Amputee’s Song Book the other day.

It includes such classics as “If you’re happy and you know it……SHIT!”

Amputees will not find this joke funny:

Actually, I'm going to cut this joke short.

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Did you hear about the all female double leg amputee convention? NSFW

It was crawling with pussy

Why was the amputee unable to win the foot race?

He had already been completely defeeted.

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