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Amputee Jokes

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I found that amputee porn wasn't for me

There was just something missing...

Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse...

On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.

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How does an amputee masturbate?

Singlehandedly.

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Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.

I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."

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(Long) The Amputee

A woman is walking down the beach when she spots a man with no arms and no legs crying.

"What's the matter honey?" she asks.
"I was just thinking about love and life, and how I've never really been hugged before." He replies with tears in his eyes.

Feeling bad for him, she decide...

What do you call an amputee trying to do karate?

Partial Arts.

Edit: It's been pointed out that the grammatical construction of this joke could have been better. How about: "What is it called when an amputee does karate? Partial Arts.

Edit edit: best follow up question: What's an amputee's favourite karate weapon? Nub chucks.

A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

Why didn’t the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

It takes a pretty twisted person to mock an amputee.

Honestly, just try putting yourself in their shoe.

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.

what happens when an amputee tries to hit you?

no 'arm done

I always wanted to be an amputee but it’s way to expensive.

I hear it cost an arm or a leg

I gave my amputee friend his birthday present

It's a pair of gloves!

I'm still waiting for him to Open it up...

Did you hear about the amputee who nearly died from an allergic reaction?

Apparently he was lack-toes intolerant.

What do you call an amputee learning karate?

Partial arts

I am reading an autobiography of a double amputee…

It’s called “A Farewell To Arms”.

So this amputee hadn't told about his condition to his fiance yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "T...

My buddy and I both wanted to marry a woman who happened to be an amputee. Sadly my buddy won her heart

But I got her leg

I heard a double amputee got arrested on weapons charges

They must've gotten the wrong guy, he's definitely unarmed

Did you hear about the blind amputee who realized Braille wasn't for him?

He just wasn't feeling it.

But seriously, he was just out of touch.

Why couldn't the amputee get new prosthetics?

...because it was gonna cost an arm and a leg.

Why couldn't the amputee rob the bank...

Because he was unarmed

A double amputee walks into a Communist prosthetic's shop and says...

Two arms, Comrade.

My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg.

It's just a stocking filler

As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost.

He said an arm and a leg.

I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we were having for dinner tonight.

She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

What do you call a quadruple amputee waiting by your door?

Matt

My amputee buddy asked me for a hand.

I didn't believe he had the nerve to say that.

The other day, I finally asked my pretty amputee coworker out.

She didn't answer, I guess she was stumped.

So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day

I got cut-off.

Olympic bilateral amputee Oscar Pistorius lost his appeal for the crime of murder. The Judge said...

He didn't have a leg to stand on.

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Amputee kink?

Check out PornNub

An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.

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I went to an amputee party last night.

That place was literally crawling with pussy.

Double amputee goes missing from local hospital

"Well, it's not like he could have grown legs and walked off", alleges trauma specialist.

What did Patrick Stump say to the double arm amputee?

I AM AN ARMMSS DEALER

I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

I met this Amputee Lumberjack

He said his specialty was stumps

I got a haircut from an amputee barber

He did it single handedly

What is an amputee kickboxer's greatest weakness

His inability to walk away from a fight

Amazingly, the man that broke into my house is actually a quadruple amputee

...thanks to my bullmastiff.

What did the man say to the amputee?

What's wrong? You look de-feeted.

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My buddy started an amputee porn production company.

He calls it XYX.

Why did the amputee have such bad luck robbing banks?

He wasn't armed.

Did you hear about the bilateral amputee who robbed a bank?

Police say he’s no longer armed, but he’s still on the run.

As a recent amputee I would like to ask,

who knew that car accidents really DID cost an arm and a leg?

Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward?

He was armed.

Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

There's something about that overly altruistic leg amputee that just rubs me the wrong way.

He's a real goody one-shoe.

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged,

I'd just yell out letters.

- Demetri Martin

Saw an amputee in the gym today..

Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.

An amputee woman was having a drink in a bar...

...when a man comes up and asks about her missing leg.

"Oh, it's really quite an amazing story," she said. "I used to love surfing! I rode waves all day and all night, rain or shine. One morning, after just an hour or so of surfing, a great white shark came and knocked me right off the bo...

Most people think amputees are dangerous

But they’re armless

What to you call the quadruple amputee on your doorstep?

Matt.


What do you call him when he's in the pool?

Bob.


What do you call him when he's nailed to the wall?

Art.


What do you call him if he's in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

Have you heard of the amputee protest that turned into a riot?

It was out of hand.

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What's the best part about going to an amputee strip club?

Place is crawling with pussy.

So a quadriplegic amputee went...

Absolutely nowhere.

An amputee missing an arm and a leg walks up to a stranger and shouts

"I lost my left arm and left leg!!!"

The stranger says, "My god what a tragedy!"

The amputee says; "I'm all right."

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A quadruple amputee is sitting on a beach crying...

A man walks up and asks "Excuse me ma'am, why are you crying?

"I've never been hugged."
He picks her up, hugs her, and walks away.

A while later, another man strolls by. He stops and asks "Im sorry to bother you, but why are you crying?"

"I've never been kissed." she replies....

Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged.

I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.

(H/T Demetri Martin)

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

If you watch 127 Hours backwards

It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.

What do you call a quadruple amputee who's a member of organized crime?

The head

Amputee

There was a girl with no arms or legs sitting on a wheelchair in park by a lake. A jogger ran past and noticed she is crying. So sympathetically he asks her whats wrong and sobbing she replied she has never been hugged before, so the man hugged her and ran away. The next day the jogging man noticed...

How did an amputee cat regrow a leg after falling of a building?

Well, we all know that a cat always lands on all fours.

Why was it obvious that a double amputee was the last one to exit a UK pub?

He was legless

What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

How can you tell if an amputee hates milk?

If he lacks toes!

What do you get when a soviet paraplegic chases an American double-amputee?

An arms race.

I told a riddle to a double amputee once

Boy did it leave him stumped

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I ran across an old copy of the Amputee’s Song Book the other day.

It includes such classics as “If you’re happy and you know it……SHIT!”

3 men are stranded in the desert

A blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair. They’d been traveling for hours and they crest a sand dune and to their surprise there’s a beautiful oasis. So all 3 men travel to it, the amputee jumps in, when he steps out he looks at his arm and it had grown back. Amazed he leads the blind man ...

What’s the difference between someone who can’t eat cheese, and someone who hates amputees?

Ones lactose intolerant, the other is lack-toes intolerant

An amputee broke into my house last night and tried to steal my stuff

Luckily he was unarmed

Why did the double arm amputee unsubscribe from r/jokes?

He lost his sense of humerus.

If an octopus is called an octopus because of its eight limbs, what would you call an octopus with only seven limbs?

An amputee.

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Did you hear about the all female double leg amputee convention? NSFW

It was crawling with pussy

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