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Alcoholics Jokes

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

Why are all exorcists alcoholics?

Because they can’t handle their spirits.

Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.

What do detectives and alcoholics have in common?

They both like to crack cases

What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve?

Amateur night!

Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic

“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous”

“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”

Why did alcoholics hate the 1920's?

It was the worst time for them, bar none.

Why is heaven hard for alcoholics?

Because they're surrounded by Spirits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

What is an alcoholics least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the 5th.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Russian alcoholics gather for a drink.

They pour each one a glass of vodka and drink half of it in one go. One of them, when he puts down his drink, doesn't see his buddies, but sees St. Peter surrounded by holy light.

“I can't die yet! I haven't even finished this glass!” - the alcoholic cries.

“Okay” says St. Peter. “I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Alcoholics Anonymous meeting takes place. The presenter completes a demonstration.

He brings out two glasses, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of water and an earthworm. He pours one glass with water and the other with whiskey. He then drops the worm into the bottle of water, where it wriggles around for a little while, but is ok.

He then picks it up and drops it into the whi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do Alcoholics run in your family?

No, but they stumble around the break shit.

Before they drink they are pensive, but when they are drunk and break shit they are ex-pensive

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.

"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."

"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"

"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants?

Best place to get Soba.

Two Alcoholics gets in a bar fight

He lost

Why are all ghosts considered alcoholics?

Because they bring Boos everywhere they go!

So 2 alcoholics walk into a bar

Or was it 3? I’m not sure who was there or what happens next, ask my friend, he drank waaaaaay less than me

How many members of Alcoholics Anonymous does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.

Why can’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass the bar.

Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics?

It's haunted by spirits.

Where to Canadian alcoholics go to sober up?

Eh Eh

How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the lightbulb in place and one to drink until the room spins.

You probably shouldn't send alcoholics to jail...

They've spent enough time around bars.

How do alcoholics relax after a long day?

They wine down.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

What's the worst thing about alcoholics?

They wine too much.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

One...Ok, just one more...Maybe a third to be social...May as well make it a few more now, I've missed the last bus...

Jet Fuel Alcoholics

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet f...

What do you call an alcoholics drug dealing career?

Whiskey business

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If alcoholics get whiskey dick, what do heroin users get?

Poppycock.

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