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Ain't No Jokes

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It's a hot day at the end of summer, and ...

A man walks into a local ice cream parlor and looks at the menu and orders a single scoop of chocolate ice cream.


Employee: "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream today."


Customer: " Awhhh... well, okay." "Umm... lemme get a double scoop of chocolate ice cream." ...

Why's it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

Cause the DNA's all the same and there ain't no dental records.

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

I spoke with Bill Withers and I told him that "Ain't no sunshine" was bad grammar.

He said "I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know"

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My teacher said "Nathan! Turn in your essay!"

I replied, "fuck that, I ain't telling u nothin! Ain't no way I'm lettin my homie go down like that!"

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Ain't no party like a missing child search party

Cause a missing child search party don't stop.

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

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Ain't no one fucks with ol' chinese men.

A man was hiking, and suddenly he stumbled upon a little house. From the house came an old chinese man, who greeted him and said "you must be tired. Feel welcome to eat and sleep in my house for the night. But there's one thing: If you sleep with my daughter, then i shall punish you three times."...

My wife's favorite song is "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it's on the radio...

I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."

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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

"Hold onto your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job."

A stranger rides into a Wild West town and finds it deserted.

All except the saloon, so when he's hitched his hoss to the rail he goes in, orders a beer, and says to the barkeep "Say, where is everyone?"

"They've all gone to hang the Brown Paper Kid," says the barkeep.

" 'Brown Paper Kid' ain't no kinda name for a man," says the newcomer. "What d...

Fog as thick as pea soup.

There was a dense summer fog and the officer on the bridge was becoming more and more exasperated.

As he leaned over the side of the bridge trying to pierce the gloom, he sees a hazy figure leaning on a rail a few yards from his ship.

He almost choked.

"What do you think you're ...

A lion gets bored of eating antelope...

So he decides to have bird for dinner. He dons a hippopotamus outfit and walks towards an eagle inside a group of hippos. As he gets closer, the bird spots him and flies away.

Undaunted, the lion puts on a zebra costume the next day, and walks towards the bird among a group of zebras. Once ag...

Teacher asked the class,

"there are five crows sitting on a fence and a farmer shoots two,how many are left"

Little billy pipes up, "ain't none, the rest took off."

Teacher says" well, there are still three crows, but i like the way you're thinking."

Little billy says: let me ask you a question, three w...

I told my Mexican student to turn in his essay

He said "I ain't no snitch!".

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The hunting license

A hunter went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hunters.

The game warden ordered to the hunter to show his hunting license, a...

A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you b...

A drunk staggered into a Catholic church.

He entered a confessional booth, sat down and said nothing. The priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but the man stayed silent. Finally the priest knocked loudly on the wall three times.

The drunk mumbled "Ain't no use in knocking, there's no paper on this side either"

What's the difference between a dead hooker and a Tesla?

Ain't no Tesla in my garage

Why did Freya leave Odin?

because she ain't no Valhalla-back gurrl!

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Chocolate

An older woman is going to the ice cream parlor to order gallons of ice cream for her self. When she arrives, the man at the counter greets her and asks her what ice cream she would like.

So she asks "I would like a gallon of vanilla, strawberry, sherbert, and Chocolate."

The gentlema...

What did the vegetarian body builder say after he found out he was gluten intolerant?

There ain't no whey!

Four rednecks are out deer hunting.

After reaching the land where they will be hunting, they pair up and head in opposite directions. At the end of the day Cletus and Billy Ray are walking back to the truck empty-handed when they see Bubba emerge from the forest alone, dragging a very large buck behind him.

"Where's Junior?" C...

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Son, you ain't catchin' nothin'

One morning, as the old man is sitting on his porch, sippin' shine and smoking his pipe he sees the young boy from up the road carrying a huge roll of wire, walking down the road.

>Hey, boy! Where you goin with all that wire there?

>This ain't just wire, mister. This here's chic...

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NSFW: A cowboy, hard on his luck, walks into a bar and sits down at a stool.

He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"

"Hell, that's for anybody that can do 3 things for me."

"...

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Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."



"Yes I do!"



"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"



"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, an...

Billy Bob parked his rig in Florida for a few days before driving back home. He was about to dive into the surf but figured he'd better check out the alligator situation with the townsfolk. "Nope, no gators here," a local as- sured him.

Billv Bob had swum out 50 led before his
brain kicked in again. "Hey. how come there
ain't no gators in here?" he yelled back to the
guy onshore.
"Because they're afraid of the sharks," came
the reply.

Why do night owls enjoy breakups?

There ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

A man is starving in the desert and sees a bacon tree in the distance

When he makes it over, a robber steps out and points a gun at him.

The man says, "whoa, I just wanted some of the bacon from the bacon tree!"

The robber grunts and says, "This ain't no bacon tree. This is a hambush!"

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

What be thou name sir knight?

Lost, King Arthur rode through a humble village on his way back from a quest. He finally came across a somewhat weathly looking man in the road and thought he'd perhaps give him directions.

Arthur:
"Sir Knight, what be thoust name?"

Man:
"Cumcisor... "
"Sir Cumcisor"
"An...

Baby you make me wish I was good at calculus.

Cauz they ain't no limit to how much I want to define the area under your curves.

Joe knows everyione

Joe and Paul entered a bar and everyone at the bar said, "Hi Joe, Hey Joe,
How ya doin' Joe?"
Paul said, "What, are you a regular here, Joe?"
Joe answered, "No, it's just that everyone knows me."
"Whaddya mean everyone knows you?" said Paul.
"I mean everyone in the world knows me," re...

I asked a girl back to my place to enjoy the works of Michel Houellebecq.

But she said she ain't no Houellebecq girl.

Yo mama so fat and ugly,

She may be a planet, but she ain't no heavenly body.

Boy gets engaged down south

Down South, a young man falls in love, and he rushes home to tell his Pappy about his new sweetheart.

Pappy sadly shakes his head back and forth and says, "Son, I hate to tell ya, but in mah youth, I sowed mah wild oats, and that girl is yer half-sister."

Brokenhearted, the young man c...

What did the candle say when it couldn't sleep due to his own candlelight?

There ain't no rest for the wicked

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further...

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One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.

Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone an...

Do you know why Turkeys make good warriors?

Because they ain't no chicken.

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HAR...

I like to keep my collar popped.

I ain't no collar back girl.

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A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

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Yesterday was going great. I had my fist in a butthole,

...til somebody said that ain't no way to show respect for the dead

I just bought a new InSinkErator that plays music when you turn it on.

It might sound crazy..... but it ain't no lie...baby, bye bye bye

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I heard Tim Howard's daughters are all still virgins.

Cause ain't no balls getting past him.

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