UPJOKE
latefollownoonmorningnightdayeveafterafterwardssubsequentlyaftsubsequentafterlinglatenessabaft

After Midnight Jokes

A drunk stumbles home after midnight, and his wife is angry.

"Where the hell have you been?"

He says, "I've been out looking for you!"

"Looking for me? I've been here all day!"

"Well, it figures, you'd be in the last place I look!"

My new neighbor practices the trumpet at 6 in the morning, then listens to thrash metal at max volume after midnight.

Don't worry though. I've let him know that if he stops doing the first thing, I'll let him stop the second too.

A guy wants a divorce

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, “ I just can’t take it anymore. Every night she’s out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.”

Judge asks, “what’s she doing?”

The guy answers, “Looking for me.”

I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.

It was a shot in the dark, but I took it

An attorney called the governor just after midnight,...

...insisting that he talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Jones has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the...

There were three ducks swiming in a pond one night after midnight and got arrested for trespassing. They were called to apper in court the next day

So the judge called up duck #1 and asked what were you doing in a pond swiming after midnight

The duck said "blowing bubbles"

So then the judge called up duck #2 and asked the same question and the duck said

"blowing bubbles".

Then the judge called up duck #3 and said l...

Room #39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss.

-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom, Dick, and Harry were in a bar

Talking through the late hours of the night into the morning. A little after midnight they got into an argument over the difference between irritation, anger, and frustration. Finally Tom bets the other two $50 that he can demonstrate that with just three phone calls. So they take the bet. They all ...

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

My local bar had a cat...

My local pub used to have a cat that would sit on the bar. All the regulars loved it. They would pet the cat, drunks would talk to it and it became an unofficial mascot of the bar.
One night just after closing time however, the cat was tragically run over by a truck outside the bar. It got mashe...

Witness

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witn...

ABBA songs Ramadan edition

Gimme gimme gimme a naan after midnight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have to take a shit, do so at 11:59 pm

You'll be done sometime after midnight. When someone asks, "how's it going?"

You can truthfully say, "Same shit, different day."

MIL joke

I agreed to drive my mother-in-law to the dealership, to see what she could get for her old AMC.
As soon as we pull up, a sales man comes over.
"Is that a Gremlin?"
"Not if I don't feed her after midnight."

The most dangerous thing about the World Cup being held in Russia

is ensuring the Kremlin doesn't eat after midnight

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping

They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.

Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
He wakes Watson up.

"Watson...

You think you've had a bad day?

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to confessions

He says "Oh father I've committed a grave sin and seek repentance"

The priest replies "my son, tell me what you have done and i will ask God to forgive you"

The man says "Father, the sin I've committed is so bad that I can only tell God myself"

The man insists that he must speak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella was being a brat...

Cinderella was being bitchy and bratty days before the ball and it pissed her fairy godmother off something furious. To teach her a lesson, the fairy godmother said;

"Look I'm not going to be heartless. You can go to the ball and dance with Prince Charming, but if you're back ONE MINUTE after...

Late night to the White House

Hillary Clinton phoned the president's office shortly after midnight.
"I need to talk to the president, it's an emergency!", exclaimed Hillary.
After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.
"So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?"
gru...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I promise just one beer

After a long day at work, a man goes home to his family to tell them he is going out for just one beer.
Wife: Honey, that's fine. But I swear if you come home shitfaced after midnight again its over!
Husband: I promise just one beer.
And out the door he went to his local watering hole. O...

Irish bank robbery

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers c...

A goodbye before you die

Clarification: this is a pretty popular joke, so sorry if you've already heard it.

A little girl is laying down in her bed, with her parents at her side, about to go to sleep. As she does every night, she says a prayer:

"Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night grandma and goodb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chaste wife went to a pet store...

... to buy her husband a pet for their anniversary. All of the pedigree animals were too expensive and she began to pout, visibly. One of the store's tellers asked what was wrong and she explained her circumstances.

“Well... we have a specially trained frog for $24.99”, he said.

She ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True Story

When I was going to college (in eastern european country), the dorms had only one toilet and they were locked after midnight. One night my friend wakes me up saying that he has stomach issues and cannot hold it in. We go to the window in the corridor and he puts his ass out of the window and eases h...

Easy For You

A man isn't feeling well. He goes to the doctor, who gives him a checkup and then says "I don't know how to break the news to you, but you have a incurable, fatal condition and you have less 24 hours to live!"
The man goes home and explains to wife about his condition. The have dinner, spe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date (nsfw)

She is given some words of advice and warnings by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same thing, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1. kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,
2. or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and ...

A bar owner and his dog

There was a bar owner that recently adopted a pet Labrador. The dog instantly became a good friend to the pub regulars and was not long officially made the pub mascot. The mutt became a part of the pub, and everyone who went there was greeted by the licks and unconditional love of the creature.
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.