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One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air...

Adam and Eve

Eve: "Adam are you seeing someone else?"

Adam: "No, you're the only woman on earth!"

Adam: "Now what are you doing?"

Eve: "Counting your ribs."

Adam and Eve

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race start?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the huma...

Adam and Eve

Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden, talking to God.

He says to God “You’ve given me life, the purpose of naming every animal, and plenty of food to eat. You’ve made me comfortable, kept me well fed, and a sense of purpose. However, I’m feeling quite lonely; is there anything you can do to...

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God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve?

It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!

Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage.

She didn’t have to hear about his mom’s cookin’ and he didn’t have to hear about all the other men she could have married.

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

What did Adam and Eve do on their first date?

They shared a side of ribs.

Adam and Eve blundered when they hit "Accept and Continue."

They forgot to read the apple terms of service.

Old Adam and Eve joke

Eve has had enough and kicks Adam out o the Garden of Eden for two weeks. Next day he's back. "What are you doing here?" she asks.

"My leaves up."

A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

German comments:



"Look at what perfection of bodies: she, slender and haired; he, with his athletic body, his profiled muscles. They must be Germans."



Frenchman replies:



"I don't believe it. The eroticism from the figures is evident! She, so feminine, he,...

If there is Adam and Eve, or Adam and Steve. It only seems fair the Eve gets a turn with both...

...That would make it Eve 'n Steven.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Russian replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothi...

Adam and Eve had been brainstorming with God for what felt like an eternity.

"Two dozen hours?" asked Adam.

"One seventh of a week?" suggested Eve.

God shook his head and sighed. "Let's just call it a day."

How do we know that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens?

They had one apple between the two of them, they had no clothes, and they believed they were living in paradise.

Adam and Eve

Adam bit the apple and feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind a bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, and an oak.

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Adam and Eve were talking to God....

He told them, "I have two things remaining to separate men from women and I'm going to let you choose." He looked at Adam, "I'm going to let you choose first...the first thing is the ability to pee standing up." Adam didn't hesitate...."Yes, I want that one!" God gifted man with the ability to pee s...

Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world

because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

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My girlfriend and I recently visited my grandmother and told her about the two cats we have. A day later, she sends me this email, and I figured I share since Reddit loves cats: The Story of Adam and Eve's Pets

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now
we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you ...

I'm working on a video game where you go back in time and kill Adam and Eve

it's going to be the first ever First Person Shooter.

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we'd still be in the Garden of Eden

They would have eaten the serpent

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adam and eve finally figured out the whole sex thing...

afterward, adam's kicked back, dazed.

god asks "son, where's eve?"

to which adam replies "she's down at the stream, washing up."

god groans "now i'll never get that smell outta those fish."

A husband and wife are sitting in church listening to a sermon about Adam and Eve...

A husband and wife are sitting in church listening to a sermon about Adam and Eve. The husband is taking notes when he notices his wife dozing off. He gently pokes her with his pencil and she wakes up. The Adam and Eve sermon continues but a few minutes later, he notices her dozing off again. Th...

When Adam and Eve found out that Abel was dead

they raised Cain.

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God has finished creating Adam and Eve

They stand before him and he says, “I have two things left but I don’t know who should get what.”
Adam asks “What’s the first one?”
God says “the ability to pee standing up.”
Adam immediately says “Oh! Yes please! I want that one!” Before Eve could utter a word.
God says “Done!” And Ada...

After Adam and Eve arrived in Eden, he stayed out late a few nights wandering the garden.

Eve became suspicious.
“Are you running around with another woman?” Eve fired off.
“What other woman?” Adam exclaimed “ You’re it!”
That night, Adam was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.”

Adam and Eve were in different parts of the Garden of Eden when the Lord ......

......... commanded Adam to go and squeeze Eve's hand.

"What's a squeeze, Lord?" Adam asked.

The Lord explained, and Adam went and squeezed Eve's hand. Then the Lord told Adam to kiss Eve.

Again, Adam was confused and asked for an explanation, which was given.

And Adam we...

So my wife asked me yesterday "What would you do if You and I were 'Adam and Eve'?"

I replied nonchalantly, **"I'd fap and go to sleep. That would solve most problems."**

P.S: A'yup, I slept on the couch. worth it? :/

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Adam and Eve are figuring out what's what one day...

Adam starts getting excited and Eve looks down, and says "that's it?". Adam replies "it's literally the biggest penis on Earth, what more do you want?"

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies,and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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Do you know why God made Adam and Eve white?

Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man.

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Adam and Eve

Were in the garden of eden and Adam says to Eve “Hey Eve lets go for a swim!” And Eve says “That sounds wonderful!”

So they start running towards the dead sea and God shouts down “No Eve, no Eve NOOOOooooooo!” And Eve dives into the water!

God says: Awe crap now I will never get th...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Latvian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Latvian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

"They must have been English," the Englishman offered. "After all, only a gentleman would share his last apple with a lady."

"They surely were French," the Frenchman asserted. "They were so ho...

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Adam and Eve

When God made Adam he noticed that Adam was sad and asked what was wrong.

Adam - I'm lonely.

God - That's no good! How about I make you a companion? One that is gorgeous, give you mind blowing sex, will cook and clean, and doesn't mind it when you spend time with the guys or watch f...

Adam and Eve eat the apple

of the forbidden tree, God sees this and is very angry, "Adam!" he says, "for what you have done from now on by the sweat of your brow you will eat your food...." "And you Eve...you will pay with *blood*

But you can pay me in comfortable monthly payments

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God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.

"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up." God says

"Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift." Adam begg...

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God gave Adam and Eve 2 rules...

First was to never eat the forbidden fruit. Second, Eve can never, under any circumstances, learn how to swim.

After a few weeks in paradise, watching Adam swim in the pristine ocean, Eve decides she'd had enough. She follows Adam into the surf, and as she reaches waste-deep water the sky da...

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Adam and eve have problems

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a
few nights, Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on Earth.” The quarrel
continued ...

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God calls Adam and Eve and tells them he has two gifts...

"One is a penis, so you can piss standing up" says God.

Immediately Adam shouts: "Me! Me! I want a penis! I always wanted to piss while standing!"

So God gives Adam a penis. Overjoyed, Adam starts running around pissing on everything he can see. He pisses on the flowers and trees and a...

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Adam and Eve

It's the evening of the sixth day of creation. Adam and Eve are hanging out in the Garden of Eden having a grand time when God comes in, carrying a sack. God tells them "There's just a couple things left to take care of to wrap things up". God opens the sack, looks in and says, " first, we have the ...

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God was just about finished creating Adam and Eve...

...and told them "Okay guys, I've got two attributes left to give you--one for each of you. I'm going to let you choose which you each want. The first is, you get to pee standing up."

Adam jumps on that one right away. God says, "are you sure? You haven't heard the second one yet!" to wh...

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Adam and Eve joke

So shortly after God created Eve God calls Adam over for a chat.
"So how is everything going with this new female?"
"She"s fantastic God. There's just one problem. Smell this."
Adam puts his fingers up to God's nose and God takes a whiff.
"Fuck Adam, that smells terrible. Where on my gre...

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God comes down to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden...

... and says, "So, I was looking around Heaven the other day, and I stumbled on a few features I forgot to give your bodies. Now, there's two of them, and there's two of you, so I figured I'd give each of you one of them."

"Sure," say Adam and Eve.

"Okay," says God, "so the first one i...

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Adam and Eve have sex for the first time.

After, Adam is dozing off under a tree, and God asks him how did it go? Adam replies "That was the greatest thing ever! I can't wait to try it again."
"That's great to hear Adam." says God, " Where's Eve I want to ask her what she thought of it."
"Oh, she's just down in the river cleaning ...

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Adam, Eve and God's bag of parts

One day Adam and Eve were enjoying the garden and it's many luxuries, when they heard the voice of God.

"Alright you two, I have new parts for you, only have two for now."

He explained, approaching the two.

"First is a hose, I think I will call it a penis."

He explained,...

Three Nuns Die And Each Have To Answer A Question From God To Get Into Heaven...

God asks the first Nun, "Who were the first two people?"
She says, "Adam and Eve".
He says, "Okay, you're in."

God asks the second Nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?"
She says, "The Garden of Eden".
He says, "Okay, you're in."

God asks the third Nun, "What was the first th...

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Adam and Eve just had sex for the first time...

God comes down to Eden to check on them. He finds Adam, hanging out in the bushes.

"How was it?" God asks.

"Amazing," Adam replies. "I can't fucking wait to do it again!"

"That is great!" says God. "I designed it specifically for you. But... where is Eve?"

Adam answers, "...

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One day god comes down to earth to tell Adam and Eve that he has 2 gifts for them.

He says "The first gift is the ability to pee standing."
"Yes, yes, yes! I'll take that one! Says Adam.
Adam, happy with the gift of the penis, starts running and jumping around, peeing on everything.
Eve then asks God, "If that was the first gift, what is the second?"
"Brains, Eve. Brai...

Two gifts to Adam and Eve

When God was almost done creating Adam and Eve he said to them: "Alright I am almost done with you. I have two more gifts I can give you"

Adam and Eve go "what is it?"
God "the first one is the gift of peeing while standing upright..." Adam interrupts "Pick me me me!!! I want to pee standi...

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When God first made Adam and Eve, we learned a few things.

In the early days of the Garden of Eden, God didn't realize that he had made Eve much hornier than planned. She was constantly after Adam's junk. One day, after Adam couldn't get it up any more, Eve decided to look for fulfillment elsewhere.
She stormed off, and the first creature she saw was a d...

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God comes down to the Garden of Eden bearing gifts for Adam and Eve.

He says "I have two gifts. First, the ability to write your name in the snow with your pee"

Adam leaps foreward excitedly shouting "Ooh me! Me me me!" And snatches the gift from The Lord's hands

The Almighty sighs and says to Eve "well I guess that leaves you with multiple orgasms."

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Adam and Eve

Adam and Eve are in the Garden while God is handing out different abilities. God realizes he only has two things left, and tells them so.
Pulling out the second to last item, He tells Adam and Eve it's the ability to pee while standing.
Adam immediately jumps forward and exclaims, "Oh, can I h...

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God shows up in the Garden of Eden looking for Adam and Eve.

Eventually he finds Adam alone and asks him, "Where is Eve?"

Adam says, "Well, last time i saw her she was taking a bath in the river."

God, looking annoyed, asks him how long she's been in there.

"I guess a couple of hours."

"Really, shit!"

"What's wrong?" asks Ad...

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After God made all the animals

He went to Adam and Eve he told them

" I have two leftover traits that I think you should have it, first I have the ability to urinate while standing

Adam, interrupting god said: " please let me have it, it will go very well with my member, this is made for man, please God please pleas...

When I was 8, I had a friend who was raised by atheists.

He once told me, “I don’t know where Adam and Eve is...”

“Are,” I corrected. “And they’re in heaven.”

“I don’t know where Adam and Eve are,” he corrected. “But my mom and dad sure do shop there often.”

Alice had fallen asleep in class when the teacher had called on her to answer a question

The teacher had asked the class "who created the world" she called on Alice who happened to be asleep. John who sat behind her poked her with a pencil to wake her up, she said loudly "Jesus Christ". "Very good" said the teacher

Class continued and the teacher asked another question "who made ...

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

OK. I apologize in advance if you've already seen this one. it's an old joke from the 70's, when there was a gas crisis, and they posted this question on billboards around the South.

So, what's the answer? The answer is that no know knows what Jesus drove, but we know that his Father drove a ...

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God went to the Garden of Eden to visit Adam and Eve...

... and found Adam sitting under a tree, relaxing.

"How's everything?" asked God.
"Good, thank you! This place is great!" said Adam.
"Where's Eve?" asked God, looking around.
"Well, we just had sex, and it was great," said Adam, "and so she went down to the river, to take a bath."...

A little prick in Church

This little elderly wife and her husband never missed a Sunday service in 35 years. I believe they even sat in the same pew. They were very special to the church and one Sunday, the church wanted to present a beautifully engraved plaque. Coincidentally, it was their 52nd anniversary, and additionall...

Three nuns get into a car accident.

All three die and are awaiting St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter arrives.

"All three of you must each answer a bible trivia question to proceed inside." He looks at the first and youngest nun. "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

"Easy. Her name was Eve." states the younge...

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Sherlock Holmes died

Sherlock Holmes died, and went to heaven.

Apostle Peter stands at the gate and asks him:

\- Who are you?

\- I'm the best detective in the world.

\- Alright then go and find me Adam and Eve in paradise , because there are too many people, and I can't find them.
...

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Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next...

A boy wanted to know where humans came from

He asked his mom and she said: "Humans are descended from monkeys."

Then he asks his dad and he said: "Humans came from adam and eve"

The boy was confused and replied: "But mom said we are descended from monkeys."

The dad laughs and says: "Son, your mom's family is none of my bu...

Adam and Eve were arguing.

On and on, she kept pestering him, asking, "Where have you been all night?"


"Just out walking," Adam insisted as he closed his eyes and prayed for sleep to overtake him.

It seemed like only moments later he was awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What ...

"Mom, how did humans come to exist?"

"Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve..."

"But dad said we came from apes."

"He was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."

Three nuns die in a car crash, and get sent up to the pearly gates of heaven. The gatekeeper sees them, and decides to have a little fun in deciding whether they may enter heaven, by giving them questions about the Bible. He explains this, and the first nun steps up to answer her question.

Gatekeeper: What were the names of the first two humans on earth?

Nun 1: Ooh, that's an easy one. Adam and Eve, of course.

The gates opened and the first nun walked in.

Gatekeeper: Next question: What fruit did Adam and Eve eat?

Nun 2: Ooh, that's an easy one. An apple,...

A Mother superior and two novices were killed in a bus crash.

They soon found themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter greeted all three.

"Welcome sisters, Mother superior. What a great honor to have you here." he said. Then a little more softly, he said.

"Unfortunately, we've had a few people slipping into heaven disguised as nuns. I'm afraid ...

The Story of Apple

It was an apple that kicked Adam and Eve out of heaven. It was an apple that made Newton discover gravity, and since then everyone has to study it. Nowadays, it's an apple that we spend all of our money and time. So through the history whenever human being got f\*\*\*ed it was because of an apple!

A little girl asks her father where people came from.

He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.

Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?" "That's...

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