UPJOKE
torahtalmudjudaismdeedactcommandmentrabbisedersabbathkaddishshabbatroshmohelmikvahmidrash

Mitzvah Jokes

Where did the dinosaur have their Bar Mitzvah?

Jewrassic Park

Dog Bar Mitzvah

A man walks into a synagogue with his dog. He goes up to the Rabbi and he says.

Man: Rabbi, I want my dog to have a Bar Mitzvah and I want to do it here

Rabbi: What are you, crazy? We can't do that!

Man: Please, I'll do anything

Rabbi: No, it can't be done

Man: Rab...

Why did Batgirl change her name to Batwoman?

She had her Bat Mitzvah.

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at a bar mitzvah?

Muscle. Tough.

Older Jewish joke: safari bar mitzvah

Mr and Ms Rosenberg are trying to think of something really special to do for their son's bar mitzvah. They have seen all kinds of themes and all of them seemed played. Finally they decided they would do a safari bar mitzvah. They would fly all the guests over to Africa, and do the bar mitzvah al...

My dad is Jewish but my mom is Christian so I’m half Jewish (oc)

Since I’m half Jewish I only get half of everything Jewish, 4 candles at Hanukkah, just a mitzvah, and such, as well as half the jokes. So, two rabbis walk into a bar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke about an old Jew.

For context, the Western Wall, found on the Temple Mount is the holiest site in Judaism.

Here is the joke:

An old Jew prays briefly at the Western Wall every morning.

A reporter says to the old Jew:

"What have you been praying for?"

The old Jew says: "I have been p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you sing at a twins bat mitzvah?

Happy birthday two Jews

A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.

The bumblebee says "Hey, little bro, how's it going?" and the honeybee says "Oh, so, so bad. It's been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there's next to nothing in the hive."

"I can give you a hot tip," says the bumblebee. "Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back y...

Why don’t Catholics do Bar Mitzvahs?

Their boys experience a manhood way before the age of 13.

(NSFW) What's one sentence you can say at a normal party but not a Bar Mitzvah?

It's lit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, there was this accordion player who just finished his 4th bar mitzvah of the week. He tossed his accordion in the back of his '92 Geo Metro hatchback and took off for home.

As he drove, he rolled the windows down (with a manual handcrank) because his air conditioning was broken.

He tried to play his favorite cassette tape, Polka Floyd, but the music screetched to a halt as the tape from the cassette got hopelessly tangled in the tape deck.

More than a li...

Jewish Dog

What do you call a coming of age party for a Jewish person’s dog?

A bark mitzvah.

Thanks to Lewis Black

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up...

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the riot at the bar mitzvah reception?

There were mazel tov cocktails everywhere!

When does a Jewish sapling become a tree?

At its bark mitzvah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a Bar-

mitzvah…things got really fucked up after that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A synagogue is having a major rat problem

Every time the rabbi holds a sermon, people can't help but notice that there are rats running every which way. The rabbi tries setting out rat traps, hiring exterminators, doing everything he can, but each and every week, the rats are back.

Finally after one sermon, as the room is clearing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew walks into a synagogue

A Jewish guy walks into a synagogue and goes straight over to the rabbi. He says: "Rabbi, I need help. I have a big problem with my son. I did all that I could to raise him in the faith. I took him to Sabbath services every Saturday, and sent him to Hebrew school after regular school every Wednesday...

Why'd the male Jewish dog feel the need to study up on his Hebrew?

He was about to celebrate his bark mitzvah :3

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Jews walk into a bar...

mitzvah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young tourist sees an old Jewish person praying in Western Wall

They approach him and ask "how long have you been praying here?"
the old man folds his Talit and answer "every day since my Bar Mitzvah so about 40 years".
"so what do you pray for?" they asked.
"for solidarity between jews around the world" he continues " for peace between muslims and jews...

What is it called when a jewish sheep turns 13?

A baa mitzvah.

At what point does a Lamb become a Sheep?

When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar...

...mitzvah, the Jew is showing the Muslim around and teaching him about their culture, the Muslim turns to the Jew and says "This is very nice, but the air is stagnant in here" the Jew thinks for a moment and asks "yes, we're in an indoor banquet hall and the windows are closed, it seems normal to m...

Two bees met in a field

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, “The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren’t any flowers, blooming so I can’t make any honey!”



“No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a B...

I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight

Turns out it was a bar mitzvah

How does a Bat Girl become a Bat Woman?

She has a Bat Mitzvah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is everyone picking on Jews?

A comedian was going into his favourite joke, "One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..." when a heckler from the audience interrupted.

"Moskowitz and Finkelstein! why does it always have to be two Jews? Can't you tell a joke with any other nationalities involved!? Why don't you mak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nazi walks into a bar

mitzvah. Shit gets really awkward.

A German man walks into a bar...

mitzvah and arrests every body.

A lawyer came to seek the advice of a rabbi concerning his son...

He said, "I don't know what to do. I raised my son in the Jewish faith. I taught him all of the religious traditions, threw him a large bar mitzvah, and raised him in a Jewish community but now he has become a Christian."

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask me. I also taught my son the Jewi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.