What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at a bar mitzvah?

Muscle. Tough.

Where did the dinosaur have their Bar Mitzvah?

Jewrassic Park

A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.

The bumblebee says "Hey, little bro, how's it going?" and the honeybee says "Oh, so, so bad. It's been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there's next to nothing in the hive."

"I can give you a hot tip," says the bumblebee. "Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back y...

A Jewish father was quite troubled by his errant son’s behavior, and went to see the rabbi about it...

“I brought him up as a Jew, spent a small fortune on his education and almost as much on his bar mitzvah. Then he calls me to tell me he has decided to become a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the rabbi. “Like you, I too brought my son up as a good...

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3 Jews walk into a bar...

mitzvah

Dog Bar Mitzvah

A man walks into a synagogue with his dog. He goes up to the Rabbi and he says.

Man: Rabbi, I want my dog to have a Bar Mitzvah and I want to do it here

Rabbi: What are you, crazy? We can't do that!

Man: Please, I'll do anything

Rabbi: No, it can't be done

Man: Rab...

Why don’t Catholics do Bar Mitzvahs?

Their boys experience a manhood way before the age of 13.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Russian Jew throw at his bar mitzvah?

Mazel tov cocktails

Why'd the male Jewish dog feel the need to study up on his Hebrew?

He was about to celebrate his bark mitzvah :3

(NSFW) What's one sentence you can say at a normal party but not a Bar Mitzvah?

It's lit.

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What do you sing at a twins bat mitzvah?

Happy birthday two Jews

A Jewish guy walks into a bar...

...mitzvah.

Two bees met in a field

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, “The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren’t any flowers, blooming so I can’t make any honey!”



“No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a B...

My dad is Jewish but my mom is Christian so I’m half Jewish (oc)

Since I’m half Jewish I only get half of everything Jewish, 4 candles at Hanukkah, just a mitzvah, and such, as well as half the jokes. So, two rabbis walk into a bar

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Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

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A synagogue is having a major rat problem

Every time the rabbi holds a sermon, people can't help but notice that there are rats running every which way. The rabbi tries setting out rat traps, hiring exterminators, doing everything he can, but each and every week, the rats are back.

Finally after one sermon, as the room is clearing ...

A lawyer came to seek the advice of a rabbi concerning his son...

He said, "I don't know what to do. I raised my son in the Jewish faith. I taught him all of the religious traditions, threw him a large bar mitzvah, and raised him in a Jewish community but now he has become a Christian."

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask me. I also taught my son the Jewi...

I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight

Turns out it was a bar mitzvah

At what point does a Lamb become a Sheep?

When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah!

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Why is everyone picking on Jews?

A comedian was going into his favourite joke, "One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..." when a heckler from the audience interrupted.

"Moskowitz and Finkelstein! why does it always have to be two Jews? Can't you tell a joke with any other nationalities involved!? Why don't you mak...

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A nazi walks into a bar

mitzvah. Shit gets really awkward.

A German man walks into a bar...

mitzvah and arrests every body.

How does a Bat Girl become a Bat Woman?

She has a Bat Mitzvah

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