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Passive Jokes

The best method of passive aggressiveness is simply to include the person's name at the end of your sentence,

Kathy.

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

Sure passive income is great, but do you know how much you can make with passive aggressive income?

You know what, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it…

What do you call a passive communist country?

The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What makes pooping in someone’s yard not passive aggressive?

Eye contact.

We have a beautiful little girl

who we named after my mom; in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

when you're drunk,..

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:



Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation;

Cinnamon.



Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:



Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution;

Passive-aggressi...

What did the passive aggressive cheese say?

Queso? (K......so?)

My blind wife asked me to stop writing her passive aggressive notes and leaving them around the house.

I don't know if it's depression or what, but she said she was tired of feeling upset all the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To people who get pissed off about passive-aggressive criticism...

What else do you do poorly?

An engineering student is called into the Dean’s office…

The dean says “While we know you are doing well in your engineering studies, there some very troubling reports from your core curriculum professors. In English, your professor says you constantly use the passive voice in your essays; your art history professor says you are constantly confusing Carav...

Someone once told me that I'm passive aggressive all the time

I told him to please move on in life.

What did the passive aggressive Spanish cheese say?

Kay, so?



Sorry, heading to the gym and this is the best I can meunster.

What do you call a Passive Aggressive Ogre with one eye?

A Sighcylops.

WHAT DO WE WANT? PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?







Well, we're sure you're really busy with all of your important things.

So, we'll just have to wait, until you feel that we've waited long enough, and maybe then, you'll be able to find some time for others.

It's fine.

I'm sick of all these passive-aggressive posts.

You know who you are.

How many passive aggressive people does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't bother, I'll do it myself.

My wife and I are playing the passive aggressive thermostat game...

She is currently winning 73 to 68

Can you people please stop being so condescending and passive-aggressive?

Thanks!

I'm a passive aggressive driver.

I pass other drivers and then aggressively speed towards the next one.

There's a group of passive aggressive people that keep saying I'm a snoopy mailman

I know because they keep writing letters about it to their friends.

If someone does something to annoy you, DONT just be passive aggressive about.

Unlike SOME people I know.

What did the passive aggressive raven say to Edgar Allen Poe?

"...ugh nevermind"

What did one passive aggressive republican say to the passive aggressive democrat?

I don't know, let me go check my Facebook feed.

I'd tell you my passive aggressive joke...

But only a complete idiot would laugh at it.

1 in 3 homicides start with a passive aggressive note.

But of course you are too busy to read it.

How many passive-aggressive people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh never mind, I'll just sit here in the dark...

(Translated from my mother tongue) What does a man do when he wants to end a marriage passively?

He tries finding the expiration date on the marriage cirtifficate

What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could have all this by age 35:

- 6 figure passive income
- An empty calendar
- My forever home, paid off
- Vacation home in Maui
- 2 Teslas (S and X)
- Live-in nanny to help us with the kids

And yep I was right, I don’t have any of that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

What do you call investing your partners paycheck into a crypto currency they don't like?

Passive aggressive income

Entitled Parent Joke

So I was at a restaurant with my family and this woman came up with a child. She looked about 40 with blonde hair. The child looked about 5 with also blonde hair. The child was crying at the time and the woman started to nag at us. Apparently, the child wanted a dessert and, lucky for us, we were th...

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she wa...

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

Have a daughter named after my mother in law

Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English. He tells the horse,

"I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the ba...

I got pulled over by the Grammar Police.

The cop was pretty passive about the sentence he handed me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It...

For anyone who gets confused about proper grammar and style in writing

I offer from the Internet, the following tip sheet, "How to Write Good":

- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Prepositions are not the words to end sentences with.
- Be more or less specific.
- ...

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Passive-aggressive girlfriend.”

“Passive-aggressive girlfriend who?”

“IF YOU DONT KNOW IM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!!!”

"My boyfriend was slept with by you!" I heard one girl shout at another in the mall.

"Your reputation will be ruined by this! YOU'RE GONNA BE KILLED BY ME!!"

"Why is she talking like that?" I asked my friend.

"Oh, don't mind her," he said. "She's just really passive aggressive."

I went to see this acupuncturist, called "The dude".

He told me me Yin and Yang channels were out of balance. He said some of my meridians were open too much, and some were blocked.

I told him: "I've been feeling cold, slow, and passive recently. I think my Yang meridians are closed."

He said, "Yeah, well, you know, that's just like, you...

The love story of 6 and 9

Sit children, and let me tell you the tale of a guy who was caught in a predicament.

One day a guy was mowing his lawn. He was about a 6, so let's call him that. 6 was mowing his lawn until a dog came running down the street. 6 chased the dog until he caught him. He turned around and saw that...

Aligator boots

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and ki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When grammar nazis correct me, I start to make errors on purpose to mess with them.

You can say I'm passive, aggressive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wifi

A man hears his neighbors having sex very night, so In a fit of passive aggressiveness, he changes the name of his wifi network to "Icanhearyouhavingsex".

The next day when he goes to sign on to his wifi, he sees another network labeled "Wecanhearyounothavingsex"

If a dog is man's best friend, then a cat must be...

Man's snotty, passive-aggressive ex-girlfriend.

Chinese and Russian soldier

By the river, and on the Russian and Chinese border there was two soldiers standing as posts for some decade years. A Chinese on south side and the Russian on North side. One day the Russian started to make signals to the Chinese. The Chinese was puzzled. The Russian wanted to ask him if he was a pa...

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