UPJOKE
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Acted Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Him: Sorry I got drunk and acted like an ass at your wedding.

Her: IT WAS YOUR WEDDING TOO!

If only more game companies acted like blizzard.

I could probably kick my gaming addiction.

My girlfriend said that she wanted to split up because I acted too much like a detective

I said "good idea, we'll cover more ground!"

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

A lot of people are going to look back when the epidemic is over and wish they had acted differently

But you know what they say... Hindsight is 2020.

Did you guys hear about the banana that acted as a getaway driver?

He peeled out and split.

I was playing the squeeze box and a policeman told me to stop, so I acted accordioningly.

\*boom tish\*

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

An old guy at Walmart told me this tonight (and acted like it was a true story)

“I was at the bar last night and as the night went on, this fat chick got up on the table and started dancing. She moving all over on the table and finally I look up and tell her, “Nice legs!” She’s like, “Thanks, you think?” I reply, “Of course, otherwise the table would have collapsed by now!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back...

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

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